December 31, 2012


Dear Carter,

Well, it's that time again.

The time to start another year learning how to be a mommy to a baby up in Heaven.  I feel as though I've made a LOT of progress, but there is still so much I need to learn and work on. 

Every year it seems that I make resolutions, and this year will be no different.  I'm making only one resolution.

I want to be better.

I will be better.

Better at what you ask?  Better at everything.  Even if it's the slightest improvement.... I just want to be better. 

So there you have it baby boy, my New Year's Resolution.  Here's to 2013, and praying that it's a good year for our family. Nothing will ever top our 2009 when you were born, and we got to spend the majority of our year with you.

But maybe, this year will be a little better than last?

Only time will tell.

Happy New Year Sweet Pea!

December 23, 2012

The Festival Of Trees - The True Spirit Of Christmas

Dear Carter,

Have I mentioned to you how much I LOVE the Festival Of Trees?!? 

I feel as though it happened so, SO long ago, yet it's been less than a month.  This year we decided to go ahead and try our hand at the large trees.  I think that we did a pretty darn good job for our first year! You were actually represented by seven, YES SEVEN! items that were decorated and donated in your memory.  Each year it just keeps getting bigger and better!

When we got there, Daddy got to work putting the lights on your tree.  We had a lot of them!

We were sure to add a LOT of personal "Carter" touches to this tree.  Remember when Under Armour donated a whole bunch of stuff for your display??  This hat was in there, and you could personalize it with any number you would like.  We chose to use "CJ" for Carter Jay instead.  I loved how the elf is wearing a hat!

Then we had some fun with the blocks under the tree!
 All of the elves either had a headband, hat, or backpack to sport your Under Armour stuff.
Just like you always used to sport!

 We are so blessed by the best friends who continue to help us with this each and every year.
We love you and miss you so much Baby Boy!

 Grandma Geri donated a small tree, a centerpiece, and helped her cousin with another five foot tree.  She sure does love you!

 Cousin Monica, Uncle Marty, Aunt Nelva, and Cousin Erika worked on a tree for you.  It turned out adorable!
 Aunt Stacy and Cousin Samantha decorated a beautiful 12 Days Of Christmas tree. So cute!
 Aunt Nancy made a pinecone wreath that got a LOT of attention by a bunch people.  It's spectacular!

 And of course your brother and sister with their little trees.
Your Daddy and I went back on Opening Night, and I am thrilled to tell you that ALL of your items sold.  We even got to meet the people who purchased your Large tree for a whopping $4080!  When everything was said and done, Team Carter managed to raise well over $5000 in your memory.  We are so proud to do this for you every year, and already have plans for next year. 
Thank you so much for showing us the true meaning of Christmas, and even though this time of year is much tougher for us with the missing you, doing things like this makes it so much better.
I miss you my sweet little darling.  I hope that  you have the perfect Christmas celebration, and even if I don't get the chance to tell you so on this blog, know that I am constantly thinking of you and missing you with all of my heart.

December 4, 2012

My Club

Dear Baby Boy,

Today was one of those days that stirred up some feelings that are kind of hard to describe.

I realized that I'm part of an exclusive club, heck, maybe I'm even the president.  Nobody wants to be a part of my club, and I don't blame them!  It's every parents worst nightmare.  I don't even want to be part of it!  If only I had the power to change that.

There are some days when I completely forget that I'm in the child loss club...not that I forget about's just my new normal not having you here.  Its hard to even remember the days before losing you, and I hate that.  I want so badly to go back to those days. Before I only had ornaments like these to remind me of your sweet smile.

Then there are days like today when I am not feeling well (dang head cold), and it makes me extra emotional. Today, I feel like I amthe poster child for the worst, and just a depressing reminder to those who fear that they may someday gain membership.  I try so hard to stay positive about all of remembering that you aren't in pain, that this is the hard part, and a small portion of the journey.  But there are always days like today when I just want to go back to being a normal Mommy......not the one that represents the worst possible outcome.

I love you my sweet boy, and I know tomorrow will be a better day.  It always is, right?


December 2, 2012

Your Big Brother

Dear Carter,

Mikey and I have this thing where we lay in his bed at night, and he reads to me.  A couple of months ago, in the middle of a Magic Treehouse book, he turned to me and said "Momma, I want to ask you something, but I'm nervous".  Considering that Mikey never gets very serious about anything, I was anxious to hear what he had to say. 

"Would it be OK if I did my own tree for Carter this year?"

I was absolutely shocked.  We had been planning on your brother and sister doing a combined tree for you, and had I had no idea that Mikey had even given it a second thought.  Of course I was thrilled that he wanted to take on this project.  He decided to make a tree about his favorite story, The Grinch.

We shopped for all kinds of crazy ornaments to make it into a WhoVille tree, and I do believe that your brother was pleased with the outcome.  He even had some crazy twinkle lights!
 That is one proud big brother!  He loves you so much my sweet baby.

Both your brother and your sister's trees sold!  Whenever you ask them why they made their trees, they say "To help other kids like Carter".
How did we get so lucky?

December 1, 2012

Your Girl!

Dear Carter,
Wow, you are so lucky baby boy!  You have a sister that loves you with all of her heart.  I used to worry that she would forget you because she was so young, but she hasn't seemed to at all.  In fact, she talks about you all.the.time.  She draws you pictures all.the.time. And so, whenever she has a chance to do something for her baby brother, this girl is all over it!
Jovie decided that she wanted to do her tree in the theme of birds.  After yesterday's story, I'm sure that you understand why.  Birds have a very special meaning to your girl.
She decorated every inch of this tree.  I only helped by wiring on the ornaments...she was adament that the birds had to be equally spread out, and even the star had a lot of thought put into it.  She thought that it looked like a little birdie had put it together.  So sweet!
Here is the final product.  It turned out simply perfect!

 And of course since we only had a short time with this tree, we took a LOT of pictures to remember it.  I can't believe how big she is getting.
 We even took an impromptu picture of the Beefcake.

Good job Jovie Jo.  We are so proud of you, and your love for your baby brother!