tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79126810336586184682024-03-14T08:34:59.389-07:00Team CarterTeam Carter Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00364088148612828851noreply@blogger.comBlogger563125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7912681033658618468.post-91285536756747214652014-02-11T08:41:00.001-08:002014-02-11T08:41:49.252-08:00My Words Will Be Your Light - To Carry You To MeDear Carter,<br />
<br />
It's been a LONG time since I wrote you a letter. Since July I see. Probably too long, but I have a feeling that you hear me talking to you ALL.THE.TIME, so I won't feel too guilty about it. It just seems like I'm not sure where this blog quite fits anymore. I'm no longer a part of the special needs community, and although I do fit into the grieving parents community.... I don't like being there (who does?). I get so caught up in all of the good stuff we try to do for you, that it seems like something has to give....and the blog has been the thing to give. I can promise to try harder to update, but just can't be sure if I can keep it, so I'll just say that I'm going to just keep on keepin' on and know that you understand.<br />
<br />
For some reason, this last week has been a hard one for me. I "think" that it might have something to do with the Winter Olympics, but I really can't be sure. It could also be that I haven't been quite as busy this week as I am used to. I am constantly trying to do something to keep busy. It's my coping mechanism, and this week has just been a little less busy. Instead of trying to relax, I tend to tense up even more because my mind is allowed to wander to missing you. It's kind of funny how this one all started. Last week, I woke up
one morning and realized that I had had "that dream" again. It's the
one that haunts me about three times a year. It's the one where you are
still here with us, but we are racing against time to find the right
doctor who can help you stay with us. Usually it's something silly that
is standing in our way. In the end, I always wake up right before we run
out of time. <br />
<br />
I tend to think that it is a blessing that I know to wake up at that moment.<br />
<br />
It seems like I just wake up and that weight of missing you is so heavy
on my shoulders, and it's something that takes awhile to get used to
again. <br />
<br />
But I always get used to it again.<br />
<br />
And I am getting used to it again. So no worried phone calls please, I am totally OK. I actually have a purpose with this post.<br />
<br />
Last night we were watching the Olympics, and watching the Men's Mogul skiers. I had totally forgotten about my favorite skier.<br />
<br />
TOTALLY FORGOTTEN ABOUT HIM!<br />
<br />
How could I forget about Alex Bilodeau?! I need to have his jersey or something (do they make skier jerseys? haha!). <br />
<br />
Anyway, as he won a Gold medal AGAIN, I was reminded of one of my most favorite blog posts from almost exactly 4 years ago. Here it is:<br />
<br />
<i>"Sometimes I wonder how having a sibling like Carter will affect Mikey
and Jovie. I think that it's a worry that most special needs parents
have.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>At first, I was very concerned about how much they would miss out on
with having a brother with limitations. In the VERY beginning, I
started thinking that there would be no way that we could go on a family
vacation, or that we would miss out on fun things because of Carter. I
know that these things are unrealistic, but I have to admit that it was
something I would think about. How would Carter affect them?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I sat down with a friend who assured me that those things would still
happen, and that my kids were definitely going to be better people for
it (thank you Gretchen for that conversation). She even told me that she
was thankful that her kids would be able to grow up knowing Carter. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>It's true that we haven't done too many things this Winter while we're
trying to keep Carter healthy, but we've still had a lot of family fun. I
now know that having a child with disabilities is a new kind of normal
and we're still going to be able to do all of those things that a
"normal" family does. I honestly don't worry about it any more, although
there may come a time when I do again.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>These thoughts came into my mind again this week while we were watching
the Olympics. Of course, I'm talking about Alex Bilodeau. Who is Alex
Bilodeau? If you don't know, I'll happily fill you in.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Alex Bilodeau is a Men's Moguls skier who recently won the first gold
medal for Canada on home soil. The reason why I'm drawn to his story is
that he has an older brother who has Cerebral Palsy. There are so many
interviews, and so many quotes about how having an older brother with a
disability affected his life so it was hard to choose just one: </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>"I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have the same perseverance if I didn't
grow up with him," said the 22-year-old from Montreal. "I'm someone who
never quits, even in training. I'm going to fight until the last moment,
until I crash really bad."</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>"In training, it's just like competition and I'm fighting until I
can't go any more and until I'm on one ski or something. Even then, I
try to pull it back. I grew up with the mentality, `If my brother would
have that chance, would he take it? Would he try more?' I always – I
always – come to that same answer and it's, `Yes, he would try more.'
That's why I can do it."</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>"He wakes up in the morning and he's got that big smile; he goes to
bed and he's got that big smile," Alex said. "And you look at him, and
he's got all the right to complain. How many times do we complain in a
day? I don't even think I can count mine. That's when you put everything in perspective and you say I should just shut up and swallow and go train."</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>"My brother is my inspiration," Alex said that night on TV, tears welling. "He taught me so many things in my life."</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Wow. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I can only hope that Carter can give the same inspiration to Mikey and Jovie.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>But you know what?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I don't need to hope, because I know that it's already there. I can see
it when they look at him. I can see their compassion growing. All I
can do is thank God for giving us this wonderful gift. "</i><br />
<br />
When I read that, I felt a smile on my face. For them the circumstances have obviously changed, but one thing is still for sure. Carter has impacted their lives for the better. In ways that we probably haven't even realized yet. Jovie was quite young when we lost Carter, so sometimes I think that her memories are built on the memories we tell her about, but he has still impacted her life. She holds different priorities than most kids her age. Mikey still remembers little C very clearly, and he has more compassion than I would have believed him to have otherwise. He is very serious about helping with the Operation Smile 5K, and wants to do his best at the Festival of Trees to raise money for the hospital.<br />
<br />
Somehow, knowing that Mikey and Jovie, and even I, and Michael, and our family, and friends, and everyone else who has been changed by Carter has been changed for the better in one way or another makes losing him not worth it, but somehow OK. <br />
<br />
It will never be worth it, but I am OK with it being just OK.<br />
<br />
Here is a song for my little guy, I love you Bubba Jay!:<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/budTp-4BGM0" width="480"></iframe>Team Carter Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00364088148612828851noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7912681033658618468.post-75565025217352159872013-06-11T17:50:00.001-07:002013-06-11T17:50:17.171-07:00What's Been Goin' On?!Well, obviously I've neglected your blog ONCE AGAIN. I'm not even going to make any promises to keep up on it because I'm just so dang busy that I KNOW I won't be able to keep it. The truth is I've been updating on Facebook a lot more these days which has just caused the blog to take a backseat. I have been working very hard on something FOR you, so I'm not really feeling badly about this. It's just that sometimes, something has to give. I have realized that there are some people who check this blog who would love to hear this exciting news though, so here it goes. <br />
<br />
Here is an article I recently wrote for your Daddy's newsletter:<br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Having a newborn in the NICU and with complex medical issues
was much different than what we had been used to with Carter’s healthy brother
and sister.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It wasn’t very often that we
would hear somebody say something positive about our little guy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was a lot of negative…a lot of focus on
the things that he couldn’t do…on the things he wouldn’t do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, we always ALWAYS fought for
Carter, and fought to stay on the positive side of things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We loved HIM for being HIM.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Surgeries for cleft lips and palates aren’t always for
cosmetic reasons.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some of these babies
have a hard time creating suction to eat, and Carter was one of those
babies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He had to have a G-Tube placed
to give us a way to feed his tiny body.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">One day we had to go to a class to learn about how to take
care of the G-Tube.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The class was full
of several couples, most of whom had premature babies who were having<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>trouble with feeding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>During that class, one of the moms asked us
if our son was a preemie too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My husband
answered no, and told her that our baby had a cleft lip and palate which made
it hard for him to eat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was at this
point that the nurse teaching the class (whom we had never met before) spoke up
and said “and he is the CA-UTEST baby EVER!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We were surprised because it seemed as though this nurse had visited a
lot of babies, but Carter had made an impression on her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She proceeded to tell us that her daughter
was also born with a cleft lip, and she had just completed a mission for a
charity named Operation Smile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was
the first time that somebody had given Carter a compliment without really
knowing him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was the first time
that we began to see that we weren’t alone in this part of our journey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was the first time that we realized the
cleft really wasn’t all that scary, or different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was the first time that we realized that
while we had the option to repair his cleft. There are many people in the world
without the option. This was the beginning of our love for the charity
Operation Smile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">About a week before Carter’s birthday, we found out about a
5K/One Mile Walk that supported Operation Smile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we saw that it actually fell on his
birthday, we knew that we had to participate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>A bunch of people from Team Carter met up at Timpanogos Park, and ran or
walked to show our support.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even Carter
was there being pushed in his stroller and showing off his new smile.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQVsGYancldFQ5mB_3j3637ddKVxaKrzRuzKeAwYHQWV9KcHHLSzdtytME4BbcaPpaV5fl72IqpasMlfIy0bs7H9ydcEjQTIn-vbOxllY0TRpM6rPRSxY20crJPzyxq6k1eWDviNun9JAv/s1600/ry=400.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="290" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQVsGYancldFQ5mB_3j3637ddKVxaKrzRuzKeAwYHQWV9KcHHLSzdtytME4BbcaPpaV5fl72IqpasMlfIy0bs7H9ydcEjQTIn-vbOxllY0TRpM6rPRSxY20crJPzyxq6k1eWDviNun9JAv/s400/ry=400.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"> Two
months after that perfect day, he passed away and our lives have never been the
same.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">When the time came for the next 5K/Walk, we knew that we had
to keep on keepin’ on in his memory and we participated for the next two
years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span> </div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This year it is going to be a
little different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This year, Team Carter
has been put in charge of the race and we’ve decided that since this charity
helps kids, we should offer a race for kids.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We are proud to announce that the 6<sup><span style="font-size: x-small;">th</span></sup> Annual Operation Smile
5K/One Mile Walk & Kids’ K Run will be held on August 10<sup><span style="font-size: x-small;">th</span></sup> at
Jensen Park in Syracuse. We hope that Carter will be proud, and that we can
give kids a new smile with every mile.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">If you are interested in participating, or even just making donation, you can find out more information at <a href="http://www.operationsmilerun.com/" target="_blank">A Smile For Every Mile</a></span></div>
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Team Carter Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00364088148612828851noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7912681033658618468.post-77092202920911356792013-03-28T09:18:00.001-07:002013-03-28T09:18:02.389-07:00Your Fourth BirthdayDear Carter,<br />
<br />
It was brought to my attention recently that I haven't blogged in a long time. As in a REALLY long time. Once again, I've gotten all caught up in the day to day life, and the blog has slipped through the cracks. Normally, I would have felt guilty about that, but I've decided that sometimes I just have to let a few things go for a bit. It's not that I haven't been working on projects FOR you, or FORGOTTEN about you.....it's just that it doesn't seem quite as important anymore to write on here about it. Things are starting to slow down a bit, so maybe I can get rolling on this again, but I'm not making any promises. <br />
<br />
Let's see......so much to catch you up on. Well, we surprised your brother and sister with a trip to Disneyland in February. It was so fun to keep such a big secret, and we all had a blast! As always, we spent some time on the beach and felt you with us. We even saw Dolphins from the pier!!<br />
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I think that our favorite part was probably the new Cars Land. We are Cars fans though!</div>
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Jovie's Birthday was a few days after we got back, and on that very day we found a perfect match for our family. Introducing Pugsley!!</div>
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Then, not long after that, your Grandma Sherie finally retired from her job!! It's so exciting to know that she doesn't have to worry about working anymore.</div>
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So that's what our family has been up to....along with planning a very special event coming up in August. More on that later ;)</div>
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Yesterday was your fourth birthday. We decided that the best way to celebrate your sweet life was to light off sky lanterns at your gravesite. We were shocked by how many people showed up, and we are so thankful to our friends and family for making this such a beautiful way to remember you. I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.</div>
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On our way home, Jovie asked what happened to the lantern once we couldn't see them anymore. Mikey's reply "Carter collected all of them and hung them in his Heaven house.". And now I'm crying all over again. </div>
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Happy Birthday my sweet little one. It's one more birthday that makes me closer to seeing you again. We love you and miss you with all of our hearts, and I hope that we are making you proud with the work we are doing for you.</div>
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Team Carter Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00364088148612828851noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7912681033658618468.post-25765452611946324742013-01-21T20:00:00.000-08:002013-01-21T20:32:27.924-08:00End Up Here?Dear Carter,<br />
<br />
When I was a kid, I used to play in this Watermelon field that was right down the street from my house. We used to have all kinds of fun in that field. We would pretend that we were on a Safari in the jungle, or hunting wild animals (snipe hunt anyone?). That field was the home of many adventures, and oddly enough, that field is where I am sitting right now. In your room.<br />
<br />
Who knew that I would end up here? Wouldn't it be interesting to go back in time and tell myself, "hey, your house is going to be right there when you grow up". It kind of already baffles my mind, and I'm the one who has followed the steps to get here. There are so many other instances in my life when I have these kinds of thoughts.<br />
<br />
Your brother and sister's school? Well, that is actually where I went to school. Right now I teach technology there with a couple of people who worked at that school when I was a student. What do you think it would be like if I could go back in time and tell myself, "those people right over there will be your co-workers someday". It's kind of a crazy idea to think about isn't it?<br />
<br />
What about a couple of years before your Daddy and I started dating. We both worked at McDonald's together, and were at complete opposite ends of the social spectrum. Your Daddy was more of the "Prep", and I was more of the "Bad Girl Rocker Chick". If you would have told me that I was going to one day marry Mike, I would have told you that you were crazy (and I'm sure he probably would have thought the same thing).<br />
<br />
Now, if you would have told me five years ago that I was going to be given the hardest job in the entire world, I would have wondered what you are talking about. Yet, here I am being the parent to a child in Heaven. Truth is, it definitely is the hardest job in the world, but I wouldn't change anything because in order to have this job, I had to be your Mommy. Now that's something to be proud of.<br />
<br />
I wonder what I'll want to tell myself five years from now. <br />
Team Carter Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00364088148612828851noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7912681033658618468.post-50268284495436441952013-01-16T19:13:00.001-08:002013-01-16T19:13:53.577-08:00Let It SnowDear Carter, <br />
<br />
It snowed here like crazy last week. So much so that school got cancelled. I must admit that I was secretly crossing my fingers and hoping they would cancel school because there is not much that I like more than hanging out with our family in a warm house especially when we have no where to go. It was a nice change of pace, although it has been exceptionally cold and I am starting to crave that spring like weather. <br />
<br />
Not much else is happening here. Just trying to stay warm and getting ready to gear up for your Operation Smile 5k this Summer. <br/><br/><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9y4nOsBs8V4onShyr9wezmepIP-L702OMXPbDEtzR4FCayC4wRW5RyRzetF3clJIUcAFY9MSGu9DUi10Mb-4gJIwhP96m_x8yuKyr6WwizSZ0pfSBnyuaI_oFX8S-8TBAwMh67krhXPkP/s640/blogger-image-626111960.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9y4nOsBs8V4onShyr9wezmepIP-L702OMXPbDEtzR4FCayC4wRW5RyRzetF3clJIUcAFY9MSGu9DUi10Mb-4gJIwhP96m_x8yuKyr6WwizSZ0pfSBnyuaI_oFX8S-8TBAwMh67krhXPkP/s640/blogger-image-626111960.jpg" /></a></div>Team Carter Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00364088148612828851noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7912681033658618468.post-81196358879134075022013-01-08T19:38:00.001-08:002013-01-08T19:38:09.052-08:00The Little ThingsSometimes it's the little things that can just tear my heart out.<br />
<br />
Jovie brought home a paper from school today that asked if there were any siblings who needed to sign up for Kindergarten. The school sends it out every year as a way to round them up. I have to admit that although you wouldn't have been in Kindergarten, it stung to see that. I will never be able to fill out that paper with your name and something as simple as that just breaks my heart. <br />
<br />
On the other hand, sometimes it's the little things that can just make my day. Like, when someone mentions you, or someone asks a question about you. <br />
<br />
Who knew that little things would seem so big. Team Carter Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00364088148612828851noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7912681033658618468.post-17980727634376190292013-01-07T17:21:00.001-08:002013-01-07T17:34:01.210-08:00Hard GoodbyesDear Carter,<br />
<br />
Today brought one of those tough goodbyes that we knew would be coming... I just didn't think it would be today.<br />
<br />
We said goodbye to our sweet little Dachsund, Bud, today. He really was a good boy, and has been with your Daddy and I since we started dating. It's weird to think that he's not here anymore. Jovie is the one who is taking it the hardest by far, but I think that she will be ok. She always considered that little dog as hers. I don't think that she will be without a puppy for long.<br />
<br />
So, I believe that all dogs go to Heaven too which makes me think that you are playing with a new puppy tonight. Give him a kiss from all of us.<br />
<br />
We love you both. <br/><br/><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbqbUw5Vx5lw8FQGHQoObQlzkDMc6jNOi336z6Wkhuy_HePclegUeIo8O7Mje-kRal5URVH5hKzRbCmnfaPO_9Rdw-_zJNWjcgXAdaYyir3AEu2rcakvQGJlPmkHiZzKGJQ8jpYm3Qk74O/s640/blogger-image--680521476.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbqbUw5Vx5lw8FQGHQoObQlzkDMc6jNOi336z6Wkhuy_HePclegUeIo8O7Mje-kRal5URVH5hKzRbCmnfaPO_9Rdw-_zJNWjcgXAdaYyir3AEu2rcakvQGJlPmkHiZzKGJQ8jpYm3Qk74O/s640/blogger-image--680521476.jpg" /></a></div>Team Carter Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00364088148612828851noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7912681033658618468.post-45929809358533501512013-01-06T18:24:00.001-08:002013-01-06T18:24:51.922-08:00Seven, really??Dear Carter,<br />
<br />
I can't believe we are a week into January already. I've been keeping with all of my little projects, and it's been good for me. I really feel like I am on top of things for the time being..... Now let's see if I can keep it up.<br />
<br />
Today, I worked on planning Jovie's birthday party. I simply can NOT believe that she is almost seven. Her birthday isn't until the middle of February, but we are going to be very busy for those first few weeks, so I thought I'd better get a jump on it now. <br />
<br />
She's so dang cute, and was all about making lists of the guests she would like to have, the food, the activities.... Maybe I just need to put her in charge of Mikey's party this year! This is her first "friend" party, so I think she's a bit extra excited.<br />
<br />
If only she knew what we have planned for her the week before (I can't wait to spill the beans!!)<br />
<br />
I love you my sweetheart. My next project is something very cool for your birthday. <br />
<br/><br/><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmFF2V0ZerJgtb3w_H215dMgW54nLxtpRRY_UOShF_lUH-HAw4iC9-3heY0GOpLVDtAkaX5jVicOY_WgT0A-xSrHu_1E36JcsPg3CXP-3dQgeM8xntp80wQy8pmTobamlPsVMe_rb3zn_K/s640/blogger-image--1043179540.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmFF2V0ZerJgtb3w_H215dMgW54nLxtpRRY_UOShF_lUH-HAw4iC9-3heY0GOpLVDtAkaX5jVicOY_WgT0A-xSrHu_1E36JcsPg3CXP-3dQgeM8xntp80wQy8pmTobamlPsVMe_rb3zn_K/s640/blogger-image--1043179540.jpg" /></a></div>Team Carter Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00364088148612828851noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7912681033658618468.post-72794779541046972022013-01-05T21:26:00.001-08:002013-01-05T21:42:39.873-08:00A World Of BarbieDear Carter,<br />
<br />
Today was another freezing cold day which made it the perfect opportunity to snuggle up with your big sis and watch a Barbie movie.<br />
<br />
The thing about Barbie movies is that they are soooooo magical. Usually the lead character (who isn't usually named Barbie) has some sort of magical power. In this particular movie, she had a hairbrush that could change her entire hairstyle with a swipe over her head. This is the kind of world that Jovie lives in. Where movies like this could really "maybe" happen in real life. Although lately I've noticed that she's trying hard to decipher what is real or fake. <br />
<br />
As cheesy as it sounds, it's kind of nice to cuddle up to her and live in her world for a little while. I loathe the day when she grows too old for these types of movies. Why does she have to grow up so fast? I really need to be BETTER at slowing down with her and seeing the world through her eyes because it won't be long before her world won't be so innocent anymore. <br />
<br />
I knew that there would come a day when I would lose you.... I just thought that I had more time. Don't we always?? I remember rocking you and smelling you and listening to you and kissing on you and cuddling with you and thinking to myself that I needed to imprint every single second with you in my mind. And you know what?? I kind of did although there are certain things that seem a little fuzzy now. It only takes a small trigger to bring it all back to life. I feel like from now on I need to do the same with Daddy, Mikey, Jovie, and all of my family and friends. I need to make every single second count because life flies by so dang fast. Of course this is easy to say., and a little harder to do because sometimes day to day life gets in the way, but I am telling you that I am going to try. <br />
<br />
I'm going to keep trying to be better. <br/><br/><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsNO5VvbXxC25rTBDkTAF-W6oY2qk638amW-vFmpz_m-2znerv0qf2pdF-wDgDwE4ybbJbsgG6b_N4luYs8vda0YueJm-DNVrytTsuJWeiexHIEf01_QOvXVMTijQAoCm7pWwoxHuxn-Sv/s640/blogger-image-1481448937.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsNO5VvbXxC25rTBDkTAF-W6oY2qk638amW-vFmpz_m-2znerv0qf2pdF-wDgDwE4ybbJbsgG6b_N4luYs8vda0YueJm-DNVrytTsuJWeiexHIEf01_QOvXVMTijQAoCm7pWwoxHuxn-Sv/s640/blogger-image-1481448937.jpg" /></a></div>Team Carter Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00364088148612828851noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7912681033658618468.post-36130642805309017882013-01-04T18:15:00.002-08:002013-01-04T18:15:33.063-08:00Techno Freaks!Dear Carter Jay,<br />
<br />
I'm cracking up over this picture I took at dinner time today. Do you think our family likes technology a bit much?? Trust me when I say that this is not allowed at every dinner, but sometimes we all just need a break from each other so we can eat in peace. Could those two be any more alike?! <br />
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<br />
I often wonder what kind of milestones you would have reached if you were still here with us. Would you benefit from the use of an iPad? While you were here, they were just barely becoming accessible and now it seems that most everyone has one. What about later in life? Will they develop a new way to fix a damaged trachea? What kind of life would you have lived had you been born in a different time? You certainly wouldn't have been with us as long as you were if you were born a century ago.<br />
<br />
These are the kinds of questions that go through a grieving mommy's brain. All of the "what ifs" and "how comes". I let myself go there sometimes because it gives me the opportunity to make up a better outcome for you (not better for you because I know that you are completely healed now, but maybe a better outcome for us?). Sometimes it hurts a little too much to think of all of the "what ifs" and I have to distract myself with something else, but they are always ALWAYS there. If even just a whisper.Team Carter Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00364088148612828851noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7912681033658618468.post-20132275877418540212013-01-03T20:27:00.001-08:002013-01-03T20:27:34.823-08:00My OrchidDear Carter,<br />
<br />
I have this thing where I really like to buy plants at the end of the season when they are 80% off, and they look so sickly that you just aren't sure if they are going to make it. Some of them do, and some of them don't, but there is something in the thrill of the chance. Can I really bring a plant back to health? Back to the way it was before??<br />
<br />
I bought this orchid at the end of the season last year, and it's doing well. I'm anxious to see if it will bloom. I give it all of the proper attention, and will continue to, but sometimes it's just up to the plant if its going to bloom or not. There's nothing more I can do.<br />
<br />
Today while looking at my beautiful Orchid, I started to wonder if this is how God thinks of me. I think that he surely gives me all of the proper attention, but now it's just up to me to bloom. He knows that there have been several points in my life when I have been on the 80% off rack just hoping that He would take a chance on me.<br />
<br />
And I have no doubts that He always does. <br />
<br />
And He has a way of making me whole again. I just have to put forth the effort to hold up my end of the deal and bloom.<br />
<br />
I'm working on it. <br />
<br />
And I hope the little Orchid is too. <br/><br/><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDyKf1CT8EPv7w4QM6TFHK0LMOQ6KNpLTeU4HQpQdIp4mNgsnLbFFqYdWS35AvJMgdLdefCp2mwANSqOreVbF_BeRhF7DBlwca2N0ZEM9S86kdHHgmpL_M1zYI-TL4p_O9qdjqTyJ4dlC8/s640/blogger-image--352664284.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDyKf1CT8EPv7w4QM6TFHK0LMOQ6KNpLTeU4HQpQdIp4mNgsnLbFFqYdWS35AvJMgdLdefCp2mwANSqOreVbF_BeRhF7DBlwca2N0ZEM9S86kdHHgmpL_M1zYI-TL4p_O9qdjqTyJ4dlC8/s640/blogger-image--352664284.jpg" /></a></div>Team Carter Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00364088148612828851noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7912681033658618468.post-73691272583457854062013-01-02T18:37:00.001-08:002013-01-02T18:38:58.858-08:00My Fortune<div id="dE_H" style=";width:100%; height:100%; ;">Dear Carter,<div>The new year is under way now, and I can't help but think that the fortune I got in my cookie yesterday was no accident.<br />
<img id="imgb2a4a6eb-5787-4838-beaa-90312beba42b" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-onVoArSxJpQ/UOTu6Xnml9I/AAAAAAAAFfQ/ujInBEaVaUM/%25255BUNSET%25255D.jpg" style="height: 375px; width: 500px; "></div><div><br />
</div><div>It's true that life has a lot of fine things that I used to overlook, and of course maybe there have been times when I have taken my friends for granted. I'd like to think that you changed that for me though.</div><div><br />
</div><div>Through your life, and especially through your death, I have really learned to appreciate the small gifts that God has blessed me with. I have also learned who my true friends are, and it's sad to me that it took losing you to really learn those lessons. Almost everything I do any more is about "making memories". After all, when this is all over, that's all I will have left. Of course I still get tied up in the trivial things, but I am certainly trying to do better with always concentrating on what's really important.</div><div><br />
</div><div>Like I said before, it's all about being better.</div><div> </div></div>Team Carter Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00364088148612828851noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7912681033658618468.post-56750207260668425402013-01-01T07:29:00.000-08:002013-01-01T07:29:48.988-08:00Goodbye 2012<div id="dE_H" style="height: 100%; width: 100%;">
Dear Carter Jay,<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This year treated our family pretty good. The only thing that would have made it better is if you could have been here with us, but since that can't happen....it was as close to great as we can get. As the year comes to a close, I wanted to share a few of my favorite highlights. we have so much to be thankful for.<br />
<br />
There were a lot of exciting changes. A lot of exciting accomplishments that your brother and sister made. Your Daddy continued to find his footing in his management job too, and even won an award for "Most Improved Territory". He's very humble, and won't take credit for the award, but we know better. He totally deserves it! </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I started out the year working at your brother and sister's school as a tutor. Unfortunately my funding got cut this fall, and I went back to being a stay at home mom for a little while. I'm excited to say that I'm working at the school again as a Computer Lab Manager. While I still miss my old job, this one is pretty dang good too, and the best part is that I get to be near your brother and sister all day long.</div>
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At the beginning of the year, we took a family trip to San Diego. I LOVE going to the beach because I always picture you up in Heaven as my little surfer boy. This trip brought some much needed relaxation, and their were several moments where we felt closer to you. There were so many memories that will always be held close to our hearts.</div>
<img id="img382f1f05-0420-49b7-a8f3-38ed2b567215" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-7x-pwSMgeoU/UOJ_RNwy7tI/AAAAAAAAFdU/tevEKO6slK8/%25255BUNSET%25255D.jpg" style="height: 334px; width: 500px;" /><br />
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On your birthday, we sent you several balloons with little messages on them for you. I hope that you liked them. </div>
<img id="imgbc26b46f-48b6-411f-9ef7-5e86e84ac399" mvc="false" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-zzkBBCcgXbE/UOJ_SKhI9lI/AAAAAAAAFdc/vA18SZ_NA9g/%25255BUNSET%25255D.jpg" style="height: 751px; left: 310px; opacity: 1; top: 435px; width: 500px;" /><br />
<img id="img5d86a72c-8f0b-4e6e-a67b-38290c1279bc" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-XveX3hammG4/UOJ_StdlKHI/AAAAAAAAFdk/9LAzv9ZTNyE/%25255BUNSET%25255D.jpg" style="height: 334px; width: 500px;" /><br />
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Not too long after that we entered into the world of camping. We spent several weekends over the summer in our little tent trailer. It was so much fun!</div>
<img id="img0666110b-f6c7-4cb6-a465-33fbfae85f74" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-G0BAYmdqnzY/UOJ_Tlwn5zI/AAAAAAAAFds/WrxY32J6GWo/%25255BUNSET%25255D.jpg" style="height: 334px; width: 500px;" /><br />
<div>
Jovie joined a competition dance team, and although she hasn't competed yet, she loves it!</div>
<img id="img8c2a8c47-ed79-4a9e-bbfa-7e3426fbe717" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-3yARgkutqfw/UOJ_UVG-5-I/AAAAAAAAFd0/Vlh06FYfjbQ/%25255BUNSET%25255D.jpg" style="height: 751px; width: 500px;" /><br />
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Your Grandpa retired, and we threw him a party. Way to go Grandpa!!</div>
<img id="img69896619-9d1c-4dbe-ab96-65df29391c14" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-RDSbbdbLgcE/UOJ_VJCRqWI/AAAAAAAAFd8/EAtmoeAkgIA/%25255BUNSET%25255D.jpg" style="height: 334px; width: 500px;" /><br />
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Mikey finally found his niche and joined a swim team. We are so excited to see where this path will lead him.</div>
<img id="img743a7065-dac9-41e3-bf6d-e34e56aa3bb4" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-FmZvRRM_UCQ/UOJ_V3MhxCI/AAAAAAAAFeE/4CGI4bsubTs/%25255BUNSET%25255D.jpg" style="height: 375px; width: 500px;" /><br />
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I had the opportunity to visit my Grandparents, Aunt, Uncles, and Cousin back in Michigan. I hadn't been back there in over ten years. It was a huge blessing to reconnect with family, and I hope I can do it again soon.</div>
<img id="img81a53df1-e7cb-415a-ac1a-0f3aa13d6056" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-GXp6ZNc8sK0/UOJ_Wmq5m0I/AAAAAAAAFeM/WNkLEXJ3ULE/%25255BUNSET%25255D.jpg" style="height: 375px; width: 500px;" /><br />
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I left Michigan to meet Daddy in Chicago. He was there for a work convention, but we still had a little bit of time to play. I LOVED Chicago, and would go back any time!</div>
<img id="img1b06878a-5313-4d42-a424-5d1f0fc579da" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-u6czr6XVa5w/UOJ_Xx24w_I/AAAAAAAAFeU/AtY4_QOQxqk/%25255BUNSET%25255D.jpg" style="height: 668px; width: 500px;" /><br />
<div>
We all packed up and took a trip to Montana to see Grandma Mary. It was a quick and relaxing trip.</div>
<img id="img842ec2e2-a850-4170-bc83-330183b13433" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-ZwaT-wXEkj0/UOJ_YpTm-zI/AAAAAAAAFec/fZORXx4Ldd8/%25255BUNSET%25255D.jpg" style="height: 500px; opacity: 1; width: 500px;" /><br />
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Then of course we ran in the Operation Smile 5k in memory of you. The most exciting part is that in 2013 we will be taking over the race. I hope we can continue to make you proud baby boy!<br />
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Finally, we had seven items donated to the Festival Of Trees in your memory, and they raised over $5000. It was our biggest donation yet!</div>
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Most of all, we missed you like crazy. You can see it in your brother and sister's faces when they got their first "Carter" sweatshirts. We pray that next year will be another good one for our family, and we will continue to find ways to include you in everything we do. We love you. </div>
</div>
Team Carter Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00364088148612828851noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7912681033658618468.post-19916587083519848702012-12-31T13:36:00.000-08:002012-12-31T13:36:18.642-08:00ResolutionsDear Carter,<br />
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Well, it's that time again.<br />
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The time to start another year learning how to be a mommy to a baby up in Heaven. I feel as though I've made a LOT of progress, but there is still so much I need to learn and work on. <br />
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Every year it seems that I make resolutions, and this year will be no different. I'm making only one resolution.<br />
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I want to be better.<br />
<br />
I will be better.<br />
<br />
Better at what you ask? Better at everything. Even if it's the slightest improvement.... I just want to be better. <br />
<br />
So there you have it baby boy, my New Year's Resolution. Here's to 2013, and praying that it's a good year for our family. Nothing will ever top our 2009 when you were born, and we got to spend the majority of our year with you. <br />
<br />
But maybe, this year will be a little better than last?<br />
<br />
Only time will tell.<br />
<br />
Happy New Year Sweet Pea!Team Carter Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00364088148612828851noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7912681033658618468.post-82641587743965728462012-12-23T21:00:00.000-08:002012-12-23T21:00:20.952-08:00The Festival Of Trees - The True Spirit Of ChristmasDear Carter,<br />
<br />
Have I mentioned to you how much I LOVE the Festival Of Trees?!? <br />
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I feel as though it happened so, SO long ago, yet it's been less than a month. This year we decided to go ahead and try our hand at the large trees. I think that we did a pretty darn good job for our first year! You were actually represented by seven, YES SEVEN! items that were decorated and donated in your memory. Each year it just keeps getting bigger and better!<br />
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When we got there, Daddy got to work putting the lights on your tree. We had a lot of them!<br />
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We were sure to add a LOT of personal "Carter" touches to this tree. Remember when Under Armour donated a whole bunch of stuff for your display?? This hat was in there, and you could personalize it with any number you would like. We chose to use "CJ" for Carter Jay instead. I loved how the elf is wearing a hat!</div>
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Then we had some fun with the blocks under the tree!</div>
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All of the elves either had a headband, hat, or backpack to sport your Under Armour stuff.<br />
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Just like you always used to sport!</div>
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We are so blessed by the best friends who continue to help us with this each and every year.<br />
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We love you and miss you so much Baby Boy!</div>
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Grandma Geri donated a small tree, a centerpiece, and helped her cousin with another five foot tree. She sure does love you!</div>
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Cousin Monica, Uncle Marty, Aunt Nelva, and Cousin Erika worked on a tree for you. It turned out adorable!</div>
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Aunt Stacy and Cousin Samantha decorated a beautiful 12 Days Of Christmas tree. So cute!<br />
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Aunt Nancy made a pinecone wreath that got a LOT of attention by a bunch people. It's spectacular! <br />
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And of course your brother and sister with their little trees. <br />
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Your Daddy and I went back on Opening Night, and I am thrilled to tell you that ALL of your items sold. We even got to meet the people who purchased your Large tree for a whopping $4080! When everything was said and done, Team Carter managed to raise well over $5000 in your memory. We are so proud to do this for you every year, and already have plans for next year. </div>
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Thank you so much for showing us the true meaning of Christmas, and even though this time of year is much tougher for us with the missing you, doing things like this makes it so much better.</div>
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I miss you my sweet little darling. I hope that you have the perfect Christmas celebration, and even if I don't get the chance to tell you so on this blog, know that I am constantly thinking of you and missing you with all of my heart.</div>
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Love,</div>
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Momma</div>
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Team Carter Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00364088148612828851noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7912681033658618468.post-60149418477958691582012-12-04T19:03:00.001-08:002012-12-04T19:03:47.088-08:00My Club<div id="dE_H" style=";width:100%; height:100%; ;">Dear Baby Boy,<div><br></div><div>Today was one of those days that stirred up some feelings that are kind of hard to describe.</div><div><br></div><div>I realized that I'm part of an exclusive club, heck, maybe I'm even the president. Nobody wants to be a part of my club, and I don't blame them! It's every parents worst nightmare. I don't even want to be part of it! If only I had the power to change that.</div><div><br></div><div>There are some days when I completely forget that I'm in the child loss club...not that I forget about you.....it's just my new normal not having you here. Its hard to even remember the days before losing you, and I hate that. I want so badly to go back to those days. Before I only had ornaments like these to remind me of your sweet smile.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); "><img id="imgda6b2ba2-ccc2-4b22-8ffc-0218353bd341" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-Nj2m7uRaxwU/UL65jyl7QOI/AAAAAAAAFaQ/TCuoGOaiPAg/%25255BUNSET%25255D.jpg" style="height: 500px; width: 500px; "></span></div><br><div>Then there are days like today when I am not feeling well (dang head cold), and it makes me extra emotional. Today, I feel like I amthe poster child for the worst, and just a depressing reminder to those who fear that they may someday gain membership. I try so hard to stay positive about all of it...by remembering that you aren't in pain, that this is the hard part, and a small portion of the journey. But there are always days like today when I just want to go back to being a normal Mommy......not the one that represents the worst possible outcome.</div><div><br></div><div>I love you my sweet boy, and I know tomorrow will be a better day. It always is, right?</div><div><br></div><div>I</div></div>Team Carter Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00364088148612828851noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7912681033658618468.post-38867605085243454982012-12-02T16:43:00.000-08:002012-12-02T16:43:29.564-08:00Your Big BrotherDear Carter,<br />
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Mikey and I have this thing where we lay in his bed at night, and he reads to me. A couple of months ago, in the middle of a Magic Treehouse book, he turned to me and said "Momma, I want to ask you something, but I'm nervous". Considering that Mikey never gets very serious about anything, I was anxious to hear what he had to say. <br />
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"Would it be OK if I did my own tree for Carter this year?"<br />
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I was absolutely shocked. We had been planning on your brother and sister doing a combined tree for you, and had I had no idea that Mikey had even given it a second thought. Of course I was thrilled that he wanted to take on this project. He decided to make a tree about his favorite story, The Grinch. <br />
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We shopped for all kinds of crazy ornaments to make it into a WhoVille tree, and I do believe that your brother was pleased with the outcome. He even had some crazy twinkle lights!</div>
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That is one proud big brother! He loves you so much my sweet baby.<br />
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Both your brother and your sister's trees sold! Whenever you ask them why they made their trees, they say "To help other kids like Carter".</div>
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How did we get so lucky?</div>
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Team Carter Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00364088148612828851noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7912681033658618468.post-90709370560711709212012-12-01T18:25:00.000-08:002012-12-01T18:25:00.275-08:00Your Girl!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Dear Carter,</div>
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Wow, you are so lucky baby boy! You have a sister that loves you with all of her heart. I used to worry that she would forget you because she was so young, but she hasn't seemed to at all. In fact, she talks about you all.the.time. She draws you pictures all.the.time. And so, whenever she has a chance to do something for her baby brother, this girl is all over it!</div>
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Jovie decided that she wanted to do her tree in the theme of birds. After yesterday's story, I'm sure that you understand why. Birds have a very special meaning to your girl.</div>
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She decorated every inch of this tree. I only helped by wiring on the ornaments...she was adament that the birds had to be equally spread out, and even the star had a lot of thought put into it. She thought that it looked like a little birdie had put it together. So sweet!</div>
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Here is the final product. It turned out simply perfect!</div>
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And of course since we only had a short time with this tree, we took a LOT of pictures to remember it. I can't believe how big she is getting. <br />
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We even took an impromptu picture of the Beefcake.<br />
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Good job Jovie Jo. We are so proud of you, and your love for your baby brother! </div>
<br />Team Carter Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00364088148612828851noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7912681033658618468.post-82704394945289606312012-11-30T18:39:00.000-08:002012-11-30T18:39:00.942-08:00Three Little Birds
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"> Last summer, we were surprised to find a couple of very odd
birds hanging out right by our driveway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Every time somebody would walk by them on the sidewalk, the birds would
run away and act as though their wings were broken.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After a bit of research, we realized that
these birds were called Killdeer, and they use this act to entice you away from
their eggs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These birds will put on a
crazy show to get the predator away from their nest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If only they were smart enough to not lay
their eggs in such a vulnerable spot. Like the middle of our parkway.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Our
kids became attached the birds quickly, and named them Popcorn and Polly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We would watch out the window as the birds
would take turns keeping their eggs warm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>At one point we watched as one sat in the hail and rain to protect the
eggs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was quite the show of
parenthood that left me impressed, and wanting to somehow build a shelter to
protect them even more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, we
could only sit back and watch nature take its course.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Over
the period of about a month we kept a watchful eye on the Killdeer’s four
little eggs, and we anticipated the day when they would finally hatch.
Unfortunately, the day came when we found the eggs destroyed and the parents
screeching over the loss of their babies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was a moment that I won’t soon forget. With each screech I wanted to
somehow convey to the little Killdeer birds that I knew their pain. That I know
what it’s like to lose a child, but of course it is silly to try and tell that
to a bird.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>With
that experience not far from my mind, I was a bit disappointed when this spring
we found a Robin’s nest in our hanging planter by our front door.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t even fathom having to go through that
experience again, and hoped beyond all hopes that these little birdies would
make it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of the major worries was
that this particular hanging planter would typically fall if the wind blew too
hard. With each storm we would watch with worry as the planter would sway back
and forth, but would somehow hold strong. Finally, one day those little eggs
hatched, and not long after that we could see the babies’ heads poking out on
top of the nest.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7cgWBJuca0O-hABCpUQuImbSEjVN7fYKDM801aYy23LoC21NUroP-yXoWOlaCfKJxLnHZIGm8UVLDiPJTOjivroqIw-ukbxIhoxVyFNukDQZTq4ngJs_TFeyAvK3zczvuL5hFB2B2bYz1/s1600/470039_4050107420729_1735325960_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7cgWBJuca0O-hABCpUQuImbSEjVN7fYKDM801aYy23LoC21NUroP-yXoWOlaCfKJxLnHZIGm8UVLDiPJTOjivroqIw-ukbxIhoxVyFNukDQZTq4ngJs_TFeyAvK3zczvuL5hFB2B2bYz1/s320/470039_4050107420729_1735325960_o.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Several
weeks later we came home from a vacation to find the babies perched on the top
of their nest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They stretched their
wings, and looked around nervously. Finally, they were startled and jumped out
of the only place they had ever known.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They hopped and flew, hopped and flew until<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>they got the hang of it. At that moment, we
knew that at least for now, they had made it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We knew that even though sometimes things don’t work out the first time,
there is always hope for the second time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We learned that with those bad things, hope can show up
unexpectedly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can even show up on
your doorstep.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
Team Carter Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00364088148612828851noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7912681033658618468.post-62004266603621220432012-11-29T18:07:00.001-08:002012-11-29T18:07:17.794-08:00The Third Christmas<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Dear Carter Jay,</div>
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It seems as though the days are just flying by! Your brother and sister are growing so fast, and with each and every day that goes by, I realize that it makes it that much longer since I last held you in my arms.</div>
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It occurred to me today that this is the third Christmas without you.</div>
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It occurred to me that it seem so, SO unfair that I only got to share one of these special holidays with you.</div>
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It occurred to me that it is time to put your special little Christmas tree in your vase at your grave,and it just seems wrong.....because we should be setting it up in your room for you to see.</div>
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I just can't believe that it has been that long, and I miss you more every.single.day.</div>
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BUT with those feelings also comes the realization that you MUST be so much happier where you are. That you can move around without wires and tubes, and that you get to spend these holidays with Jesus......how cool is that?</div>
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I can't even imagine. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEksBBnde9XndSyLqwtAfgVrYMNncIx0DrGyb3acDNO_U5f6VcE6DKzC_Gi5UlsN6FS89vmk_8d8d-Te8kBMoBKxhDd56wA2psxfXQinwA8gRO2wCPvwuIqZXU2eH1pwbOj_9Dj_I3MK3E/s1600/pics+014.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEksBBnde9XndSyLqwtAfgVrYMNncIx0DrGyb3acDNO_U5f6VcE6DKzC_Gi5UlsN6FS89vmk_8d8d-Te8kBMoBKxhDd56wA2psxfXQinwA8gRO2wCPvwuIqZXU2eH1pwbOj_9Dj_I3MK3E/s320/pics+014.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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One of the ways that we keep you alive during the holidays, is by decorating and donating a tree to The Festival Of Trees in your memory. The amazing thing about this festival, is that typically every.single.tree is done in memory of somebody, and most of the time it is a child. While we are at the festival, we can just look around and feel not so alone in our journey.</div>
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Everyone there is missing someone as much as we miss you.</div>
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I have so much more to tell you about the festival, but for tonight I just wanted to say Merry Christmas to my baby boy. We love you so very much.</div>
<br />Team Carter Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00364088148612828851noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7912681033658618468.post-12539787831676091962012-10-14T18:15:00.002-07:002012-10-14T18:15:39.124-07:00Montana<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Dear Carter,</div>
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I'm going a little backwards here on my journaling, so bear with me while I catch up ..... yet again!</div>
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In August, we took a trip to Montana to visit Grandma Mary and Aunt Patti. We started out early in the morning, and were lucky enough to catch this sunrise somewhere over Idaho. It made me think of you as always.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd1H9OJW1SQrNXqD90vTDLrp1GDxL9sd9XW8XWhcIjnwSEgewxS4aAlD7zf7R0xFdJhRSiRScUIEA5aFKID3OLvSsoorPJaYbr_0UlWMbbtVCtcF4pGSOZecivXSpoloplipqsyBd8ulA4/s1600/iphone+016.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd1H9OJW1SQrNXqD90vTDLrp1GDxL9sd9XW8XWhcIjnwSEgewxS4aAlD7zf7R0xFdJhRSiRScUIEA5aFKID3OLvSsoorPJaYbr_0UlWMbbtVCtcF4pGSOZecivXSpoloplipqsyBd8ulA4/s320/iphone+016.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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After our drive, we got there just in time to enjoy a late lunch/early dinner. I LOVE this picture :)</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3-qbPeLBQFy2SnizPGrbOMLq8JDXAim99DKyvCKWxSr1vo4dDHNSvVuEO67kXEPDygPBotb0jgiyYgAIGE6FNnLoENstcPFRZQhfic9NVMd-ei2fjnz7OEvYPqyY_QWy9L1pVoYsXBplL/s1600/iphone+018.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3-qbPeLBQFy2SnizPGrbOMLq8JDXAim99DKyvCKWxSr1vo4dDHNSvVuEO67kXEPDygPBotb0jgiyYgAIGE6FNnLoENstcPFRZQhfic9NVMd-ei2fjnz7OEvYPqyY_QWy9L1pVoYsXBplL/s320/iphone+018.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
Then we took a trip over to Grandma's where Mikey and Jovie had a blast teaching Grandma how to use an iPad. She loved the Talking Tom app and kept on laughing even harder every time the cat repeated what she said which caused a big cycle of Grandma chuckling, the cat chuckling, Grandma and the kids chuckling harder, the cat chuckling harder...you get the picture. I think this is probably the time that your brother and sister will remember most from the trip.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpB62QCaIlxmDI4mqfdG06kkbYtKLbChtl0cCmmpsBnEdg4b6RC9nkmxLObCwmVaU4LbOODmDhUrhVelbDAo02fN5b7BIs5SMgzH13iLrfPjFo544UAdUrAj4NrrQpYlTbB_gTljBsgW8Y/s1600/iphone+019.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpB62QCaIlxmDI4mqfdG06kkbYtKLbChtl0cCmmpsBnEdg4b6RC9nkmxLObCwmVaU4LbOODmDhUrhVelbDAo02fN5b7BIs5SMgzH13iLrfPjFo544UAdUrAj4NrrQpYlTbB_gTljBsgW8Y/s320/iphone+019.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
Your brother and sister also liked playing some chess in the hotel lobby. So cute! <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKtCGIqI5iyGB9DpKOLszuYdaXFzoERbFVU85tKZXdLB9DD8Wx2-uIBUUAJ3EdeKlu7mplcrDQyhnawtit9jAC6G4hKONZE5w570rrHCWWHXvGyXeNB0Wcc96VNHc7SbSAz-Mv3WQ8aHFc/s1600/iphone+021.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKtCGIqI5iyGB9DpKOLszuYdaXFzoERbFVU85tKZXdLB9DD8Wx2-uIBUUAJ3EdeKlu7mplcrDQyhnawtit9jAC6G4hKONZE5w570rrHCWWHXvGyXeNB0Wcc96VNHc7SbSAz-Mv3WQ8aHFc/s320/iphone+021.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
The next day we got to go on a little outing with Grandma, Aunt Patti, and Cousins Landyn and Erin. Your brother and sister thought that is bumpy tree was pretty cool.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5OMOcDJpHihyXWl-_A8frYBcE1Ze39LSD2Q5Lsn70Je0GVPWj5hkyN8cWzLueeAQgaQuxmHmBJi8DgRDUhOLwg2OLX0Jy-cMWXGNpoQBsh5q_MRrW9a1Yb3T893fXMYfW9ea8GcCy3a6e/s1600/iphone+022.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5OMOcDJpHihyXWl-_A8frYBcE1Ze39LSD2Q5Lsn70Je0GVPWj5hkyN8cWzLueeAQgaQuxmHmBJi8DgRDUhOLwg2OLX0Jy-cMWXGNpoQBsh5q_MRrW9a1Yb3T893fXMYfW9ea8GcCy3a6e/s320/iphone+022.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
On our last night there, we brought Grandma back to the hotel to watch your brother and sister swim in the pool. We had such a nice time with our family, and look forward to the day when we get to make the trip again. <br />
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I just know that you were there too!Team Carter Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00364088148612828851noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7912681033658618468.post-37132880561032027862012-10-09T15:21:00.001-07:002012-10-09T15:21:29.498-07:00The HesitationDear Carter,<br />
<br />
It's been awhile since I wrote, but here I go again on another blogging streak. Once I stopped working, and the kids' started school, I thought for sure that I would have plenty of time to catch up on all of this kind of stuff...but wouldn't you know it?? My time got filled up with other things. <br />
<br />
The good thing about it is that you would think that it would keep my mind off of you, but instead it seems as though my time has been filled with all things you. Which has a certain kind of awesomeness to it, and I'm absolutely loving it. We got some very exciting news about a new project we are taking on for you, but I'm not quite ready to tell you about it until there are some loose ends tied up...let me just say that I'm truly believing that it was no accident that the funding for my job fell through because I am going to be pretty dang busy!<br />
<br />
I still need to catch you up on all of the fun things that have been going on around here, but I thought that today I'd just speak my heart. I am going to be completely honest right now and say that I've been quite worried about this guy right here.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOix-YG4pvGQDYX2vHxtPKIb0FyYNM5Z5z233CEaE7HoJsLziQzItucttduF2CGWBF8ZFl4wD7Cnu6AJiGA-PK592RwN_-Ou126TQOXcG4yzQQGjOzBrhPDie6Mi-Z8vlciBOzRcqhB5PE/s1600/IMG_4653%5B1%5D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOix-YG4pvGQDYX2vHxtPKIb0FyYNM5Z5z233CEaE7HoJsLziQzItucttduF2CGWBF8ZFl4wD7Cnu6AJiGA-PK592RwN_-Ou126TQOXcG4yzQQGjOzBrhPDie6Mi-Z8vlciBOzRcqhB5PE/s400/IMG_4653%5B1%5D.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
He has had quite a lot of moments of losing his temper ever since he started third grade. I don't blame the teacher at.all. I think it's more like the some of the other kids in his class rubbing on his nerves the wrong way, and him not being able to handle it well. <br />
<br />
Now, when people think of your brother, I don't want them to think of the kid who freaks out at the drop of the hat. I want them to see him as the kind young man that I see. The one who is constantly making sure that his dogs are fed, that his sister is walked to and from the school building, and the one who is always, ALWAYS giving his momma extra hugs when he can tell that she needs them. I want that sweet little boy to shine through, but the truth is....he doesn't always. He has his faults too. <br />
<br />
Lately I've had to have a few talks with him about his temper, and after changing a few things in our routine, we have all noticed a BIG improvement. I can see that he's working hard to control himself and I'm proud of him for doing so well. BUT when I noticed that he was struggling, I couldn't help but think that it has something to do with all of the things he has had to endure in his young life.Your brother and sister have gone through so much more than any kid should have to. They have felt the loss of their baby brother, and it has certainly shaped who they are today. Some of it has probably given them scars that I don't like to think about, but in other ways I think it has made them better people. <br />
<br />
I am shown this every day when I drop them off at school. Without fail, Mikey will shut the car door behind his sister, and take a few steps away before turning around to run back to the car and tell me that he loves me one last time. This is the kind of person that you have shaped him into. The kind that wants to be sure that the people he loves know it. <br />
<br />
While he and I were reading the other day, he stopped in the middle of the page and told me that he really wants to do his own tree for you this year. So, that's exactly what he's doing. He and Jovie are no longer doing a combined tree for you, but instead, each is doing a three foot tree. Mikey's theme is The Grinch, and Jovie's is still birds. I can't be more proud of your brother and sister right now. They love you so much cutie pie.Team Carter Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00364088148612828851noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7912681033658618468.post-21787072095329228902012-09-29T19:11:00.001-07:002012-09-29T19:11:29.333-07:00Operation Smile 5K & iPad RaffleDear Carter Jay,<br />
<br />
Today was one of those really good days when I missed you so much that it hurt, but I knew that you were somehow right there with me.<br />
<br />
Today was our third year participating in the Operation Smile 5K. The very first year that we participated, you were right there with us in your stroller. It was a blast, and we even took you out for lunch afterward. I hadn't been back to that one and only restaurant you had been in until today. <br />
<br />
Last year, the race fell on the day before your birthday. It was freezing, FREEZING, cold, but we still had an amazing turnout with about 40 people from Team Carter. Here is something I wrote about it for Daddy's work newsletter. <br />
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<span style="font-family: Times-Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times-Roman; font-size: small;"><div align="LEFT">
<em>As we took the 90-minute drive up to Timpanogos Park, I couldn’t help but remember that almost exactly one year earlier had been the happiest day of my entire life. Not too many people can pinpoint the exact day on which their life felt absolutely perfect, complete and fulfilled. But I sure can. One year ago we were driving to this same park with Carter bundled in his car seat. All of our children were with us. Our family was together. Our family was complete. Everything was absolutely perfect. It was Carter’s first and only birthday,and we had quite the celebration planned. It started with a walk/run event which benefited Operation Smile, an organization that funds cleft lip/palate surgeries in third world countries. It seemed right that we participate in this event since Carter was born with both a cleft lip and palate.</em></div>
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<em>One year ago, Carter’s stroller was strapped full of his medical equipment. With the help of some of our railroad family, we navigated his stroller through the one mile path. We walked that mile proudly, but this year was different. I still walked that mile with pride, but it was a different kind. We were participating in this event as a memorial for Carter, not with him. Even though he wasn’t physically </em><em>there, I was proud to think that our baby boy was indeed smiling down on us.</em>
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</em></div>
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<em>When we arrived at the park, it was cold. It was bitter cold. A storm had blown through early that morning, and buried the running trail with snow. I was amazed to see that despite the terrible weather, there were at least 200 people who had come to support this wonderful charity. More than 40 of those people were there to represent Team Carter. To say that the running path was treacherous </em><em>was an understatement. There were parts that were a mix of sharp rocks, ice and snow. Before the race started, the director announced that the participants would have to walk in some areas. It reminded me of the beginning of Carter’s life when a doctor informed us of what our baby’s life would be like. It was also a treacherous path, so we walked through the tough parts. As the</em><br />
<em>
runners lined up at the starting line, there were a lot of complaints about how cold it was and how terrible this run was going to be. Those were soon silenced with the thought that nothing had ever been easy in Carter’s life, so why should this be? The gun fired and the race was on. The journey to the finish line had begun, and what a hard journey it was. Many of the people found it difficult to breathe in the cold air, much like Carter struggled to breathe through his damaged airway.</em><br />
<em>
There were several trips and falls, but each time the runners jumped back up and continued</em><br />
<em>
on, just like Carter had continued to Keep On Keepin’ On. It seemed as though each runner who crossed the finish line had some sort of injury. Skinned knees and bruises were in abundance, but the</em><br />
<em>
runners beamed with pride at what they had accomplished. I’d like to think that at the end of Carter’s race, he beamed with pride at everything that he had accomplished. I know that I did.</em><br />
<em></em><br />
So, after the way the weather was last year, the race was moved to September which means that it's been a year and a half since we last did this race. Since the Fall is such a busy time of year for most families, we didn't have quite as many people there this time which was completely OK with us because we knew that all of them were there with us in spirit. </div>
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Your Daddy and I ran the 5K together this time, and while I know that I held him back, I'm so glad that we got to cross that finish line together. After all, he is the only one who completely understands the emotions and thoughts that I have every single day when it comes to you. He is the only one who when we finish this race, will know how hard this journey really was. I love him so much.<br />
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Next, we got to draw the winner for the iPad 2. We'd like to congratulate Jackie Heeter on winning, and also thank EVERYONE who purchased tickets. Team Carter raised a HUGE $1708 to fund all of your trees in The Festival Of Trees this year. We are absolutely FLOORED by everybody's generosity, and we hope that we make them and you proud. <br />
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After the race, we went back to that restaurant that we took you to 2.5 years ago. It's the first time that we had been back, and while it was hard to walk through those doors without you, it felt good to just remember you. <br />
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I hope you know how much we love you and miss you, and also that we do all of this stuff because of you. I wouldn't have EVER had my eyes opened to such a wonderful charity if it wasn't for you baby boy. Thank you so much for opening up that whole other world for me. Thank you so much to all of Team Carter for continuing to work in Carter's memory. <br />
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<br />Team Carter Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00364088148612828851noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7912681033658618468.post-74579451528976042622012-09-21T18:14:00.000-07:002012-09-21T18:14:03.164-07:00Your Beautiful Trees!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Dear Carter,</div>
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Well, I just got back from a week's trip without your brother and sister. I missed them soooo much, and couldn't wait to get back home to them. I'd been looking forward to this trip for a very long time, and now that it's over, I feel like it's time to get into tree making mode. I've got lots of posts scheduled about the trip and all of the goings-on of our family, but for today I felt like it was appropriate to announce the themes for your trees this year. </div>
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This year we are making TWO trees in memory of you. For the "Team Carter" tree we decided to enter into the large tree category for the very first time. This means that not only do we have to decorate a larger tree, but we also have a larger area under the tree to work with. It took us a little bit of time to come up with a theme, but I think that we've finally nailed it (even though Daddy came up with this name last year!). Before I give away the theme, I have to say that we got this HUGE box in the mail today that was donated to us by Under Armour. We have been loving the Under Armour stuff because it is something that reminds us of you. Remember, you used to wear your Under Armour headband to hold your hearing aid in place. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRAvKVZWCmKTv2VObF4xDgC8qrU21ZnpwTQOt41WUAxw4z7gRumaetvkoLtm2WM6z8v-QWNMjTSJIUD6f-bTtf-p3sE8h2OCGtsTH22E6RcHd-bsn_qzSq29IDxYtkMtK8GqOW_6C7n9hy/s1600/ry%253D405.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRAvKVZWCmKTv2VObF4xDgC8qrU21ZnpwTQOt41WUAxw4z7gRumaetvkoLtm2WM6z8v-QWNMjTSJIUD6f-bTtf-p3sE8h2OCGtsTH22E6RcHd-bsn_qzSq29IDxYtkMtK8GqOW_6C7n9hy/s320/ry%253D405.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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I couldn't believe how much stuff was in the box, and feel very humbled by their generosity. Just look at all of this stuff!!!</div>
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So at first we thought that we could somehow work our way around the Under Armour saying which is Protect This House, but that didn't quite work. So we decided to go with the title<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">"Small But Mighty"</span> </div>
because, well, you were small but mighty in our eyes. Our theme this year is going to be elves and the North Pole. I can't wait to show you how we're going to incorporate all of this Under Armour stuff into the tree. It's going to be amazing!! <br />
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Now, your brother and sister decided to step up to a larger five foot tree. Since we have had so many encounters with birds lately (once again I'm a bad blogger and need to update on this), they have decided to go ahead and do a tree in the theme of birds. The title of their tree will be:<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">"Don't Worry About A Thing"</span></div>
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They are thinking of doing it in something similar to this:</div>
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I hope that you like our ideas for your trees. The only thing that matters is that we make you proud with them, and I truly think that we will. We love you so much our little sweetie, and miss you more than anything.<br />
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Team Carter has a lot going on right now. If you are interested in purchasing tickets for the iPad raffle, you can click on this link right here: <a href="http://teamcarter.chipin.com/carters-ipad-raffle" target="_blank">iPad Raffle</a><br />
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We will be actually holding the drawing on September 29th at the Operation Smile 5K when a lot of Team Carter will be present. Thank you so much to those who have already donated...we appreciate your generosity!!Team Carter Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00364088148612828851noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7912681033658618468.post-28098681377413463072012-08-30T13:27:00.000-07:002012-08-30T13:27:15.824-07:00When One Door Closes...Dear Carter,<br />
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Today has just been a no good very bad day. Plain and simple.<br />
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Of course it could be a lot worse, I've been there, but it's still been a no good very bad day.<br />
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I was told on Tuesday that there was a possibility that there wouldn't be a job for me at your brother and sister's school this year. I've been stressing and waiting to hear, and finally got the news today. There is no job for me.<br />
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Although it's because of student numbers vs. funding, I still feel as though I've been fired. It's like a great big kick in the gut after all of the hard work I've put into that job. My heart is broken because I really REALLY loved that job. I loved the relationships I've built there, and having somewhere to go and something to do every day. It kept my mind off of the missing you.<br />
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Now I'm back at that crossroads, and I'm just not sure which direction God is wanting me to go in. I am trying hard to keep the mindset that all of this happens for a reason, and that there is a purpose to this....but I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around it. It's just too soon. I'll get there quick, I promise.<br />
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To add to all of this stress, your Grandpa's dear friend went to Heaven late last week, and then this morning your Grandma and Grandpa's doggie, Sadie, joined you as well. Please keep Grandma and Grandpa close to you right now. They need lots of love. <br />
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The good news is that I will be around a lot more to work on all of your stuff. I love you so much my little sweetie....just waiting for the sun to shine again.Team Carter Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00364088148612828851noreply@blogger.com2