Team Carter

Always On My Mind

2012-02-01T21:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Carter,

It seems as though I'm not the only one who has had you on my mind lately. The other day your sister came home with some writing on her arm. I was just about to tell her that we don't write on ourselves when I noticed that it read "Carter McMerrick".

I felt the air leave my lungs and felt the sadness creep its way into me, but it was soon replaced by pride. That little girl is so proud to be your sister, and she misses you as much as I do. We can't help it!

As I told you before, Mikey is very into making Powerpoint presentations right now. Well, he told your Daddy and I that he had made one as a surprise for us. When he showed it to us the tears started to fall. It started out with a slide that read "Carter's Hope"...then went to one that said something like "Team Carter Rocks!"...then to another that read "He is in the sky". This was his way of showing how much he loves you which is a big step for Mikey. He really is a closed book when it comes to you. He asked me today if we were going to the Operation Smile run this year. I told him that I wasn't sure because I couldn't get in touch with the race coordinator from last year.....that's when he told me that he thinks we should just do one of our own which is something that your Daddy and I have been talking about. Now we just need to make it happen!

We had your brother and sister's parent teacher conferences this week, and we are very pleased with how well they are doing. They are growing so fast. Jovie even got herself a loose tooth this weekend. It just seems as though it's going way too fast!

Here It Comes

2012-01-26T18:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Carter,

The last two days have been terrible for me. Just simply terrible.

There have been a few specific things that have certainly helped to make my days more terrible, but nothing that would normally push me down this far.

I've been wondering what exactly is my problem?? Sure, I haven't slept that much. Sure, it's been pretty busy at work with this testing I've had to administer. There's been a few other things happen, but really.....what is it??

So I did a bunch of thinking, and soul searching, and I think I figured it out.

That day is coming.

Sure it's only two months away, but it's coming.

Your third birthday is coming.

I've come to realize that without even thinking about it....it's like my body knows that the first of the year is "YOUR" time of year. This is the time of year when you were born, and not too long after that is when you left us. This was the hardest time of the year for me last year, and it appears that it's the same again this year.

I just miss.you.so.much.

I miss your little laugh.
I miss the way you would swing your leg and hip back and forth to roll yourself over.
I miss the way you'd make all kinds of racket with your bead bar.
I miss the way you would look at me like "I'm doing it momma!" when you would drink your bottle.
I miss the way you would give that special smile to your Daddy, and nobody else.
I miss giving you baths, and changing your clothes, and changing your diapers, and hooking up your G-Tube, and changing your tender grips, and suctioning your nose and mouth, and the huge delicate dance all of those things took.

I miss all of it. All of the scheduling of appointments, and welcoming the therapists into our home, and learning all of the different ways to help you learn new skills. I loved living in the world where you were, and now I still love this world, but it isn't the same. It never will be.

And that's OK.

It really is OK because I KNOW that you are someplace where you can run and play without the wires and the tubes.

It just seems a little less OK during this time of year.
But I know that the days of feeling more OK are just around the corner (so no panicked calls from my friends, ok?).

Love you Little Guy!

Are You Related?

2012-01-23T19:02:00.000-08:00

Dear Carter Jay,

I was going through some pictures the other day, and came across this one of your brother.

It reminded me so much of one of my very favorite pictures of you!

I can't get over how much you guys look alike! You had so many of your cute little differences, that it's kind of cool to see you two looking so similar here. I think the smile he is giving is also a lot like one that you gave a lot!

We had a good weekend, but it ended pretty sour. Your sister got the stomach bug....and she got it bad! She is doing much better now, but I was pretty worried about her there for a little while. Your brother was so concerned and kept on coming upstairs to check on her. At one point he told me that he was saying the Hail Mary prayer for her, and he hoped that God would help her. What a sweetie! So far nobody else has gotten the bug, but I know how these things work and don't think we are completely out of the woods yet.

Although the weekend ended yucky, we did accomplish a lot on your room. I think it's almost ready to reveal! I must say that it feels even more like your room now than it did when you were here. Maybe that's because it seems to be covered with you right now, and while you were here, you only came in here a handful of times because your Oxygen just didn't reach easily.

I am pleased with the way that Carter's Hope has started, but we could definitely DEFINITELY use some more Stories Of Hope to share. I am planning on doing a big giveaway sometime in the next couple of weeks to officially kick it off. I'm so excited about it!

I have emailed the Race Director for the Operation Smile race, but haven't heard back from him quite yet. When I do, I'll post the info.

I love you so much little sweetie pie!

Has It Really??

2012-01-19T17:24:00.000-08:00

Dear Carter,

Has it really been this long since I last updated your blog??

It seems as though time is just flying by these last couple of weeks. It's mostly because I've been very busy at work, and then this weekend we decided to give your room another make-over. I'm going to reveal it very soon!

Things have been going ok. Just a lot, Lot, LOT of missing you. I have been having a hard time sleeping again....my mind has just been racing with memories of you. For some reason it just barely occurred to me that you would have been THREE years this old this year. I simply can't even comprehend this. It doesn't seem possible that it has almost been two years since I last held you and kiss your sweet cheeks. Even with all of these feelings, I have felt my faith grow even more recently, and have definitely found myself growing more comfortable with our new priest. I do think that he has a good message to spread.

Not much else has been going on around here...I did a little spiffing up of Carter's Hope, and I like the way it's coming along. I do have quite a bit more work to do, but as Colin's mommy told me..."slow and steady". I have a very good feeling about where it's going, and I'm not going to give up!

We had a snow storm, and the whole family participated in making your very own snowman. He sure was cute while he lasted! Too bad there isn't much left of him now. At least we got a cute picture!

I love you so much my little sweetie....so much it hurts, BUT I know that with every single breath I take....it is one breath closer to you. I love you.

Memory Candles

2012-01-09T16:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Carter,

Earlier this year, we were surprised with a fabulous gift on our front door step. It is a light that says "Lit in Memory Of Carter". Since we received it, it seems as though we ALWAYS have that thing lit. I'm not sure why, but having a candle lit for you has always made us feel as though you are here with us.

We decided that we really wanted to give something like this to our family members, so that you would always have a candle lit somewhere. We gave two of these bigger blocks to your Grandmas and Grandpa, and then we made some smaller candles holders for your aunts and uncles. I am so pleased with how they turned out.

They were super easy to make too! I just printed off the saying on a piece of vellum. I found some adorable star vellum paper at Hobby Lobby along with these craft blocks. Since I am seriously challenged when it comes to mod podge (and I know it's tough to use on vellum anyway), I used spray adhesive and it worked perfectly! Next, Daddy got these candle flicker lights at Lowe's which we just stuck up through the hole in the bottom. Now, we just have to flip a switch to get your candle going!

For the smaller candles, I printed off the same saying and wrapped it around a glass candle holder. Then I put one of those flicker tea lights in there. They turned out adorable, but I didn't get a picture before I gave them all out. Everybody was very excited to get these, so I'm glad that we were able to give them out. I hope you can feel the love that everybody has for you!

HAVE FAITH

2012-01-08T13:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Carter,

I've been a Detroit Lions fan for my entire life. It has something to do with your Grandma always liking them while I was growing up, and also being from Michigan....but whatever the reason, I have definitely "bled Honolulu blue" for as long as I can remember.

Being a Detroit Lions fan is hard.

It's really hard.

Especially when you live in Utah where there aren't too many of us.

A few seasons ago, they were the first team to go 0-16 in NFL history. We have not been good AT ALL for a LONG time. We've never even been to a Super Bowl. So when we made it into the playoffs this year, I was more than ecstatic. At least we made it to the playoffs....at least we're improving.... at least we made it this far!

We were dubbed the major underdogs, but I still believed that we had a chance. I still thought that we might beat those pesky Saints and head to Green Bay.
\
Last night as your Daddy and I watched the game, I sat on the edge of my seat, and in the beginning it actually looked like we had a chance. This was about the time that your great-aunt sent me a text telling me that they were looking good. We chatted back and forth for a minute, and after I made a comment that I hoped they kept it up, she sent me back a two-word message which struck a chord with me.

HAVE FAITH.

At that moment I felt the tears coming. I felt like this message was meant for me in more ways than just football. It was as if I suddenly had a "Faith Refill" of sorts.

You see baby boy, it's not that I have never had faith, or that I've somehow lost my faith.....it's more like at times I FORGET that I have it. I get frustrated at some of the emotions I feel.

I feel like a lot of the things I do with your blog, or with Carter's Hope, or even our work with Operation Smile aren't going to work out, or that they're going to fail. I need to have more Faith that God called me to do these things for a reason. This has been proven to me just over the last weekend when I had a few more stories submitted for Carter's Hope that are from people that I don't even know.

I feel like when I get really sad and depressed about you being gone, it's because maybe I simply don't have enough faith. I know in my heart that this isn't necessarily true because I am human. I'm going to be sad for you....you are my baby, but these are just some of the thoughts that go through my head at times. I need to HAVE FAITH.

And even though my team ended up losing, I still have the faith. I have it for them in the years to come, and I have had it "refilled" in my own life just because of those two words that were texted to me.

Thank you Darlin'

One Word For 2012

2012-01-06T18:31:00.000-08:00

Dear Carter,

Your new website, Carter's Hope, is still coming right along. We could certainly use some more stories of hope if any of our readers would like to participate :). You can click the link on the sidebar over there <--------- to find out more info. I just posted our second story, and have a few more ready to go! I'm so excited and nervous at the same time.

I've been reflecting on 2011, and overall it really wasn't too bad of a year. It started off a bit rocky when Grandpa Jay went to be with you, but then we got to participate in the Operation Smile 5K, which reminds me that I should contact the organizer of that race....it's coming up!! We added this cute little guy to our family....good thing he's cute because we dropped $100 on him today at the vet for an ear infection (what?!?!).

We went on a really good vacation to California which was excellent since Daddy got a promotion soon after that and had to be gone for a lot of the Summer at classes required for his new job.

Then we got to go on that fun mini-vacation to Park City. Daddy and I got to go on our dream vacation to see our teams play each other in Denver.

Then we had a successful year at The Festival Of Trees, and I got a job.

It's been simply a crazy year. After all of that, I'd have to say it was a good year for our family, but on the flipside it seems as though it was a not so good year because you weren't here with us.

I've seen a lot of blog posts with people writing down one word that they would like to define their 2012. I have no idea what this year will bring, but I immediately thought of one word.

and that word is BREATHE.

I just need to keep on breathing. At times the missing you feels so overwhelming that it literally feels as though it is squeezing my chest....making it impossible to BREATHE, but the thing is....it gets better if I just keep on breathing.

And then I always remember that with every single breath I take,
It brings me one breath closer to you.

I love you sweetie.

The Little Tree

2012-01-05T16:40:00.000-08:00

Dear Carter,

I'm still playing catch-up from my blogging break. One of the coolest things that we did during the Christmas season was helping your brother and sister make their own tree for you at The Festival Of Trees.

Mikey's certainly not much of a shopper, but he was very patient in helping to choose the ornaments, lights, and tree skirt for your little tree. They decided on the theme butterflies and stars because it matched the logo from

They have watched me design it, and were excited to find stuff that matched. Those two are smart kids I tell ya!They wanted to paint something to put on the tree, but all that we could find were these wooden stars. They went to work!

Then we let them start decorating. When they were finished, there were about thirty ornaments on two branches and the rest of the tree was bare. I REALLY wanted to leave it like that baby boy, but after some talking, Jovie and I decided to work together to spread them out a bit.

And this is the tree we ended up with.

And since I got out all of the backdrops and stuff, we decided to take a few other family shots

Of course we couldn't leave out Santa Pug.

Your Daddy and I decided that we wanted to try very hard to win that little tree back, so when we went to Opening Night, we put a bid on it and won! Of course we needed to find a very special home for that little tree, and thought that it should be with your Great Grandma Erbes. She was thrilled, and so are we! It's good knowing that this special little tree will always be in our family.

I love you my little sweetie. Carter's Hope has gotten a lot of positive feedback, but man there is still a lot of work to be done. I'm working on it though, and can't wait until it starts picking up a bit more.

Santa Pug

2012-01-04T17:01:00.000-08:00

Dear Carter,

What is the first requirement for a good Santa Pug?? Why, one curly tail of course.

Oh yes I did! I am normally not one for dressing up my animals (ok, so that's not completely true), BUT when Daddy told me that he saw this costume at the pet store, I knew that just for my own amusement Brutus HAD to have it!

And he actually didn't seem to mind it. And I just noticed that in the picture above that it looks like he's eating a foot.

I guess that's just what Santa Pugs do.

The Candle Lighting At The Cemetery

2012-01-03T20:31:00.001-08:00

Dear Carter,

One of the nice things that your cemetery does is a candle lighting ceremony at Christmastime every year. We've didn't go last year....I can't remember why, but I kind of wish that we would have.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it.

It was hard to walk up to your headstone and see this.

It just seems as though we should be able to hold you and kiss you and snuggle you during the Christmas season. Not see a candle lit on your headstone, but this is just our life now and we have to keep on walking this way.

As we were leaving, I took a long look over the cemetery and saw this.

And suddenly I didn't feel so alone because every single one of those people are missed.

One Of My Resolutions

2012-01-02T15:04:00.001-08:00

Dear Carter,

A few weeks ago, our new priest gave a talk about how you should never EVER waste the gifts and talents that are given to you by God. I took a lot of his words to heart because I honestly feel like being your mommy was one of those gifts, and at times I don't use it at my full potential. Recently I avoided a tough phone call in which I could have really helped the person calling with the knowledge that you gave me, and your Daddy reminded me that by doing that I am indeed wasting the gift that you gave me as well. This has been a common thread in my life lately, and mostly it's just because I tend to "shut my heart off" because talking about you and thinking about you hurts too dang much. It doesn't make me feel any better to just ignore it though, so it's time for me to just bite the bullet and go for it. After thinking about this for awhile, I decided that one of my New Year's Resolutions would be to finally launch Carter's Hope.

There are a lot of reasons why I've been dragging my feet on this. I would have to say that it's mostly Fear. Fear that it wouldn't work....fear that it's just a dumb idea.....fear of it failing. I need to just put my trust out there that I am doing the right thing. I do feel as though God called me to start this site awhile back, and although it took me awhile to finally do it....it's done.

So, here you go baby boy! Your new foundation. Carter's Hope!

To Carter's family and friends: As of right now it is a site meant to offer support to new parents finding themselves in the world of Special Needs, show them that there are a lot of positives about it....show them that having a child with Special Needs can be an AMAZING BLESSING! I really REALLY want it to grow into something more as we move along with this. Possibly a way to help these new parents in our local hospitals and beyond. I'm hoping that the followers of our blog will support us in this by sharing their stories about their journeys in this very amazing place we all call Holland, and also by helping us to spread the word about it. I will be publishing Carter's story on Carter's Hope tomorrow, and already have a few others in the works. If any of you would like to join in, you can find out how by clicking the link on the new site titled "Submit My Story". I would also LOVE to hear any ideas that you may have on how to make this better. Thank you so very much for your continued support of Carter and our family. We are beyond blessed!!

Gifts

2012-01-01T18:33:00.001-08:00

Dear Carter,

I'm sorry that I haven't updated your blog lately. I've just been busy enjoying time with your brother and sister while they've been out of school, and doing a bunch of organizing and house cleaning. We've had a lot of family time which has been healing for your Daddy and I. I felt as though I was so behind on everything ever since I got a job, and this last week I have gotten ahead on all of it....it feels good!!

Things around here have been going ok. There's a lot of stuff to update about, and I promise to do that throughout the week. It was a bit of a tough Christmas because we were missing you, but I would say that it seemed a little bit more normal than last year's did. We just miss you and wish that you were here with us rather than having a birthday party with Jesus, but we know that you had an amazing holiday up there with him.

I have had a few things happen over the last week or so that has made me realize that in many MANY ways I am wasting the gifts that you have given me by choosing me to be your mommy. I have decided that I am NO LONGER doing this, and will rise to my full potential. I feel like I have so much more that I could be doing, and I promise you that I am going to start doing it! What does this mean exactly? I have to be honest in saying that I'm not 100% sure, but I can tell you that I have stopped dragging my feet on a few projects, and absolutely promise to do more writing on this blog. I feel like I owe it to you. I owe it to your brother and sister to give them this journal to reflect on when they are old enough to appreciate it.

I love you so much baby boy, and I only hope that I make you proud.

Iron

2011-12-11T11:37:00.001-08:00

Dear Carter,

I have to admit it. There are some days when I simply can NOT wait to get to church, and there are others when I tend to drag my feet. There is a pattern here, and typically the dragging of the feet is because I just know that I'm going to be reminded of your funeral. On the other hand, some weeks this is welcome because it's the last place that I felt like we were really "with" you. Sometimes I don't even understand how my crazy mind works!

Our lesson in church today was about how we can be compared to a piece of iron. Some may think of God as a hammer, or an axe, or a saw....just trying to form us into what he would want. The piece of iron will withstand those tools, so instead we should see God as a tiny flame. It may take some time, but that tiny flame will GENTLY bend the iron. Isn't this just so true? Sometimes it may take more than a tiny flame to mold me to do what He wants, but hopefully He is patient with me. I also have to say that losing you didn't feel like a tiny flame to me, but God knows what he's doing.

I started to think about how God has placed certain people into my life, knowing that even if they may not help to "mold" me at that moment, maybe they possibly could later in my life. It became even more obvious to me as I was going up to get my blessing, and found that my High school counselor was the one who would be giving it to me. If you didn't know it before baby boy, I was a bit of a trouble maker in High School. I got bored, and decided that I didn't need school during my Junior year. My High School counselor did everything he could to help me to stay in school, but I was just too stubborn (and maybe a bit lazy), and instead missed most of my Junior year which I had to make up during night school in my Senior year.

So here he is, fifteen years later, and he gave me a blessing today....and I was remembering the long talks we had about how you can't give up.

You just can't give up.

And those words affected me more today than they did back then. I kept on remembering his positive attitude, and how he would tell me that he believed in me and he knew that I could do it. Not that I feel like giving up on life (no panicked phone calls please), but more like I want to give up on trying to be unselfish about wanting you here with me....about not being angry that you aren't here.

Although he certainly wasn't talking about my journey without you, it felt as though that was the case as I was reliving those conversations today. Today, he had no idea who I was as I received my blessing and walked back to my seat, but he somehow gave me a much needed pep talk.

Festival Fun

2011-12-07T19:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Carter,This year we decided to approach the festival a bit differently. Last year we took your brother and sister on one of the busiest nights, and they didn't really enjoy it too much. This year we took them during the day, and it worked out perfectly because Jovie had a dance recital which fell on the day we had planned on going. She was thrilled to dance at the Festival, and she practiced and practiced. It really showed too because she rocked it!!When we got there, we took a trip around the building to take a look at all of your trees. They loved them all, and were especially excited to see that we had won the tree they had decorated.

After looking at a few other trees, we decided to try out the Kid's Corner where Mikey got put inside of a big bubble.

They both made a phone call to an Elf at the North Pole (sooooo cute!!)

Jovie got a quick manicure before her performance...

and then she was all ready to go!

I think that they both had a great time down there, and I hope that they look forward to it again next year!

Oh Christmas Tree 2011!

2011-12-05T18:58:00.001-08:00

Dear Carter,

This post is going to be picture heavy, but it's because you had so many cute trees at the Festival! It's still hard for me to believe that it is all over and done with. I have to be honest in saying that with it being all over, I'm not really feeling the Christmas spirit any more. I'm sure it will come as it gets closer, but for right now I'm just not feeling it. We did decorate your grave today, and I hope you like the little tree we put up there. Your sister and I decorated it today, and we think it turned out so cute! I have a few more things I'd like to put up there, but the ground was a bit to frozen to get the posts into....tomorrow I'll be sure to bring a hammer.

As for the Festival Of Trees, all of your trees sold. The first one to get more than one bid was the one that your brother and sister did for you. It was called, Carter's Hope and the theme was butterflies and stars. We actually did a whole photo shoot of our family with our tree, and we plan to use those pictures for our Christmas cards this year. I'll be sure to share those soon! Here is the adorable little tree.

They even put your little picture in it.

We decided that we just couldn't let go of this tree since it was your brother and sister's very first one, so Daddy bid on it and won it! We gave it to Grandma Erbes to enjoy. It is adorable!

The next tree was your cousin Samantha's Sweeter Than Candy tree. She says that she named it that because you are Sweeter Than Candy which is so SO true!

Your Aunt Stacy, Aunt Nelva, and Cousin Monica were also there to lend a hand. The tree was so fancy and just beautiful! We are very proud of her for doing this. She raised all of the money for it on her own.

The next tree was your Grandma Geri's Frosty The Snowman Tree. Your Great-Aunt Nancy helped her with it too. This was their first tree, so they were nervous, but as you can see they had absolutely nothing to be nervous of! It turned out adorable, and the lady who purchased it was thrilled with it.

Finally, here is the Team Carter "We Are All Misfits" tree. We had a lot of help from our friends, and we appreciate them so, SO much! There is ABSOLUTELY no way we could have done this without them. We came up with the idea for this tree the day after last year's festival, and it took us this whole year to get it just right.

I am going to do a separate post on our trip down to the festival tomorrow. Just know that I love you and miss you so very much. Sometimes I'll just be working along, and all of a sudden I feel as though I've been kicked in the gut. I suddenly hear the words in my head "he's really gone". I can't believe it has been as long as it has. I just plain miss you little guy. I love you, and am praying that you know that, and that I'll somehow feel some comfort in knowing that.

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

2011-12-01T18:22:00.001-08:00

Dear Carter,

Today starts the 25 days of Christmas. It really seems as though it has crept up on me this year which is silly since I've been decorating your tree for so long.

On Tuesday night, your Daddy, Aunt Stacy, Cousin Samantha, and I headed down to Opening Night at The Festival Of Trees. They all look so much different with the lights dimmed and the clutter cleaned up off of the floor. When we saw your trees for the first time that night, we realized that we hadn't really gotten the full effect of them until that moment. The bidding started, and there was a LOT of pacing and walking by your trees over and over again to see if they had received a bid. I can happily report that ALL of your trees sold, and every penny of those donations will be donated to Primary Children's Hospital. Despite the butterflies in our stomachs, it really was a delightful night, and I'll definitely want to go back again next year.

On Wednesday, we were blessed to have the opportunity to see Jovie dance at the Festival. She did a fabulous job, and we couldn't be prouder of her. She knew the full weight that she was dancing for you, and she practiced her little heart out. I'll definitely have to post a video of it when I get it on the computer. Afterward, we took a look at all of your trees, and let your brother and sister explore the rest of the festival. They got to have their picture taken with Santa, and do all of the fun kid activities that they missed out on last year. We really wanted them to remember this festival as a fun time, and something they will look forward to every year.

As happy as I am to participate in this festival every year, it was still hard to leave your tree there knowing that I most likely will never see it again. We've been working on it for a year now, and it feels weird not having it here. I guess that just means that we need to start on your tree for next year. We are definitely trying to give back one tree at a time!

The Festival Of Trees

2011-11-28T18:08:00.001-08:00

Dear Carter,

Today was decorating Day for The Festival Of Trees. It's hard to think that this tree which we've been working on all year long is finished! I almost feel like I don't know what to do with myself! To say you were well-represented would be an understatement. Your trees are beautiful....exactly like you. Each one has it's own little elements which make it ever so special. You were so loved little guy....and now everybody knows it!

I still won't give away the full trees until Sunday, but even from these pics you can see how much time and effort went into these.

Each time we finished up a tree, it seemed that we would end up having to talk with this very nice volunteer. After our second tree, she finally commented that she felt like she kept on seeing Carter's people everywhere. She asked about you, and I tried to give her the very basic details of your life. She continued to ask questions, and after asking her how she became involved in the Festival, she told us that she was actually a Resident doctor at your hospital. I went into a lot more detail about your life, and I just KNOW that she walked away from our conversation thinking about what she could learn from your story. She even made the comment that she feels like knowing kids like you is what makes her a better doctor. See baby, you continue to touch people's lives! Even the ones who didn't know you while you were here!

The festival is a magical place. Most of the people who do these trees are doing them in memory of somebody. I even got up the courage to introduce myself to a fellow blogger who has lost two girls to a similar condition to you. Although I wish that we weren't all in this boat together, it made me feel a little less alone. When you see how many trees were donated this year, and think about the hours upon hours of work that went into each of them, you realize that there is still a lot of good that can be done in this world. I feel so very blessed to be a part of it. I miss you so much baby boy, but I feel as though we made you proud today. I can't wait to get back down there tomorrow to see it all again tomorrow....to feel that magic again.

The Day Is Finally Here!

2011-11-27T19:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Carter,

I can't believe that The Festival Of Trees decorating day is finally here! We go down there tomorrow to represent you for the second time. I have a mixture of emotions about it. Mostly I'm excited and happy, but there is also that mix of wishing that I was doing this while you were here. Of course, I probably wouldn't have ever done it if you were here, but still.

Your brother and sister finished up their tree this weekend. It turned out just darling! I don't want to give away too many details because I really REALLY want people to go down and see it in person, but I will give a very small tease....here is your picture on your little tree. It just melts my heart.

They had a good time putting this together. The theme ended up being butterflies and stars...almost exactly like your Carter's Hope logo! We did a mini-photoshoot with the tree this weekend, and I promise to share the results after the Festival. Tonight as I was filling out the story cards for your trees, I decided that it would be best to get Mikey and Jovie's perspective on why they did this tree for you. The breakdown is that they love you very much. They miss you. They think that you are like a butterfly because you can spread your wings, AND they think that you get to play with stars now. Oh how I hope and pray that is true! I KNOW that it is, but I still keep on praying.

Again, I have to thank all of our wonderful friends and family for supporting us on this. It's hard to believe that you will have FOUR trees at the festival for you, AND a wreath as well. I know there is no way that we could have done this without all of the donations and help that has been offered to us. I think that you will LOVE the end result. I know that I do!

For those who are thinking of going down to the festival, it is going on from Wednesday to Saturday. You will find Carter's trees in the Small trees section. He has thre five-foot trees, and one three-foot. He also has a wreath up there. I would love, Love, LOVE it if you would share a picture of your family with his trees. Thank you again for all of your support!

Thankful For New Opportunities

2011-11-21T19:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Carter,

Isn't it funny how one thing can lead to another, and you can watch God's plan unfold? As you know, I've been filling my days with volunteering at your brother and sister's school by working on the PTA. It's been good for me to meet new people, and open up my world a little bit. I tend to get stuck in a rut, and start to feel the bitter pain of missing you when I spend too much time alone. I try my hardest to keep busy and stay around people...it's not that I'm avoiding the pain, it's just that sometimes it seems like too much. I can't stand how much I miss you.

As I told you before, I wrote a grant which our school received. Well, in doing so, I have gotten to know the principal of our school. A couple of weeks ago, both your brother and sister forgot their backpacks, so I had to run them into the school while Daddy waited for me in the parking lot. As I was walking through the hall, the principal approached me and asked if I was looking for a job. I told him that I was eventually, but I wasn't planning to until next year because your sister is still in half-day Kindergarten. After learning a bit more about the job, your Daddy and I thought that it would probably be best for me to go ahead and apply. The hours are perfect for our family....not too many, and the same days off as your brother and sister. Well, after two weeks of back and forth I finally got offered the job! I started my first day today!

To say I was overwhelmed would be an understatement. My job is officially an ESL (English As A Second Language) tutor, so I have an area that is set up as a classroom where I will work with students who are struggling with English. Ironic considering I went to college to get a degree in English teaching but never finished. I am taking over for somebody who left a couple of weeks ago without any direction as to where they left off. There are piles and piles of materials to sort through to figure out how I can best help these kids. It's going to be tough at first, but once I find my own path I believe it will be AMAZING! I'm so excited for this new opportunity, and thankful to God for leading me onto this path. As I was feeling a little overwhelmed today, I kept thinking to myself that I have overcome much tougher obstacles, and I can do this too!

I hope that you know how much we love and miss you baby boy. I keep on having these moments of remembering the bad lately, and just keep on praying that I'll start concentrating on the good again very soon. I feel like I need that, and I believe it will happen....maybe decorating your tree in exactly ONE WEEK will help.

Thankful For Tough Days

2011-11-13T10:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Carter,

Today has been one of those tough days for your Daddy and me. Your Daddy watched an inspiring video about a boy with Cerebral Palsy, and there were a lot of similarities between you and him so that triggered some emotions. I took your brother to church today, and while I was there I felt like I was in one of those movies where the lead character keeps on getting flashbacks of some terrible tragedy that happened in their life. My mind kept on flashing on different parts....your funeral, the times when I had to give you CPR, the time when the doctor told us there was nothing more he could do, the times when you were so sick and you struggled to take a single breath. All of these things kept on replaying in my mind, and I kept thinking to myself, "why, WHY do I do this...why can't I just remember the good stuff?". As the mass continued, the message was to not waste your gifts or talents that God gives you. I feel like you were certainly a gift that was given to me, and I often wonder if I am using my talents to continue your work in the ways that I should. All I can say is that I'm going to try harder. I feel guilty that I haven't gotten your Carter's Hope site up and running yet, and I need to get moving on it. It just seems like I have been busy with everything stuff...important stuff...but still just other stuff.

When I got home, I was looking through some files on my computer. My other laptop died, so I've been using my older one which is the one I had when you were here. I came across some more videos of you that I had forgotten about. Here is one of my favorites.

I just love how your pants are huge, and you're having so much fun. I am thankful to have found these, and wonder if I wouldn't have had a tough morning, how long would they have been missing? By watching the videos, I was also reminded of how hard it was for you here on Earth. I see you struggling to breathe, and it comforts me to know that you no longer have to work so hard. I just love you baby boy, and as much as I hate these tough days, I know that there will be some good days to follow.

Thankful For Lessons Learned

2011-11-09T19:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Carter,

Yesterday I was driving your brother and sister home from their church class and we were jamming to some Christmas songs. We've been listening to them for awhile now because they help us get in the mood to work on your tree....at least that's how we are justifying it!

Anyway, Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer came on so Mikey and Jovie just started belting it out as loud as they could. After it was over, Mikey told me that he really wanted to watch the movie. I told him that we definitely would this weekend. He started talking about the movie and about his favorite parts, and then told me that there was one part that he really didn't like. I asked which part it was, and completely expected him to say something about one of the songs or something. Instead, he made me the proudest momma ever!

He told me that he didn't like that Rudolph's dad didn't like his nose the way it was.

I felt my heart swell, and the tears come to my eyes because this is exactly what I had hoped he would have learned from you. That we love people for who they are, no matter what their differences are....and I have to admit that I am a bit stunned that at only eight years old he has obviously got it. You did that for him baby boy. You not only taught him that very important lesson, you taught it to all of us.

I am even more glad that we chose Rudolph as your theme, and I hope we make your proud with our tree. I love you my little sweetie!

Thankful For Tea Parties

2011-11-07T20:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Carter,
I read to your little sister every night at bedtime, and on Saturday night we read the book, "The Word's Biggest Tea Party". It's about the ponies from My Little Pony and how they decide to throw a huge tea party. At the end of the story, I noticed a recipe for a kid friendly tea and an idea sparked in my head. I asked your sister if she would like to have a tea party with me, and saw her eyes light up immediately. She gave me a big nod and began spouting off question after question.

"And I can drink the tea"
"Yep!"
"Can Brutus come?"
"Yep, and you can invite two more of your little friends"
"Can it be Peacotty and Thunderbolt?"
"Sure"
"What is tea?"
"It's a hot drink...kind of like coffee, but we'll make it sweet so you'll like it"
"Can we drink it out of the snowmen cups?"
"If you want to"
"Can we have treats?"
"Of course!"

She went on and on and on until finally I had to put an end to it, and just tell her that it was time to go to sleep. Of course she called me into her room about twenty minutes later to tell me to remind her if she forgot.

I told her that we would do it on Monday, but that she'd have to make me an invitation...and one for Brutus of course!

There are so SO many times when I feel like my life, or rather the lives of my kids, feel like they are just speeding by. If there is one thing that you taught me, it's that I can't take any of these moments for granted. I have to try my best to just slooooooowwwww way down, and do these types of things more often. This has been easier said then done, because when Monday came around, and I still didn't feel very good and just wanted to sit on the couch, I really wanted to postpone the party....but I forced myself to get up and start making the tea....and you know what?? It was a blast! We listened to Christmas music, and had our treats (which ended up being Halloween candy), and chatted about what movies she wants to watch for Christmas. It was a nice relaxing afternoon with my girl. She's growing up, and it won't be long until she'll be at school all day long and I won't get the opportunity to do these things with her.

I think we'll do it again tomorrow.

Carter Love and NyQuil

2011-11-06T18:54:00.001-08:00

Today one of the things I am thankful for is NyQuil. I have been sick all weekend with a nasty cold, and I can't seem to shake it. I took the NyQuil about ten minutes ago which means I have about five more minutes to get this post done before it won't make any sense.

The second thing that I'm thankful for is the Carter love that I still see in people. I get asked all of the time if we are going to order more shirts, and after folding the laundry this weekend and realizing that our shirts are just plain worn out, I've decided that it's definitely time.

So, here's the deal. The shirts are going to be the same design that we did before. I may change it sometime in the future, but this one still seems fitting to us. They will be a white tee, and will cost only $6 each. We aren't making any kind of profit off of this, and if more people order than we expect, that cost may go down a bit.

If you would like one, then please send me an email at teamcarterjay at gmail dot com, and we'll work it out. Sorry, but there aren't any kids' sizes this time. We're going to be ordering Adult Smalls for our little ones for now.

I want to get this order in by the weekend, so I'll need to know soon. I know a lot of us would like to sport our new Carter gear during the Festival Of Trees :)

Thank you so SO SO much for all of the Carter Love! We are surrounded by the best support system ever, and I KNOW that we wouldn't have made it through the last couple of years without it.

Thankful For Friends

2011-11-04T21:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

Today I am so very thankful for friends. I honestly don't think that I could have made it through the last couple of years without the support they offer me daily. Tonight I got to take four of my closest and dearest friends shopping for the rest of the decorations for your tree. I had the best time, and just love them so SO much!

We went to several stores, and came home with quite the haul! This tree is going to ROCK the Festival Trees...there's no doubt about it! Thank you so much to Becki, Gretchen, April, and Stephanie. I just love how much you love Carter, and I can't wait until Decorating Day to see this project come together!

Home Sweet Home

2011-11-03T18:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

I missed my post yesterday! Your Daddy is on vacation this week too, so we've been doing a lot of family movie nights this week. Hopefully your brother and sister don't start to expect them every night!

Today I am thankful for having a nice home to live in. It has been bitter cold the last couple of days, and I can't even imagine having to stay outside all of the time. While we were in Denver, we saw several homeless people who were making up their own beds right in the alcoves of the shops on the streets. I know that this is a growing problem in the United States, but I am just not exposed to it around here as much.

I am praying for all of those people that we saw on the streets today because it looks like Denver is getting pounded with snow again, and I can't imagine what they could be doing. I hope that God finds a way to take care of them and keep them warm. My heart really goes out to them.

30 Days Of Thanks - Denver Trip

2011-11-01T18:36:00.001-07:00

Dear Carter,

I'm going to try to do the 30 Days Of Thanks challenge during the month of November. Of course there are so SO many things that I am thankful for, so these are in no particular order.

Today, I am most thankful for your Daddy and the trip he took me on this weekend. I am not lying when I say that many MANY of my dreams came true on this trip, and a lot of them were completely unplanned. I truly think that God was looking out for us on this trip!

As most people know, your Daddy and I are huge HUGE football fans. Your Daddy is a Denver Broncos fan, and I am a Detroit Lions fan. The thing about our two teams is that they only play each other every four years, so we don't encounter too many problems with our rivalry. They only play in Denver once every eight years, and we had planned to take a trip to see them play each other eight years ago, but as luck would have it your brother was due about two weeks before the game. Our next plan was to go to Detroit for the game four years ago, but it ended up falling right as we were building our house. When the schedule came out this year, we knew that this was our chance and made plans for our trip. It has been a long LONG time coming, and was worth every moment. Your brother and sister got well taken care of by your Grandmas and Aunt Stacy.

We flew out on Friday night, and met Mommy's friend, Jenny, for dinner and a night on the town.

It was excellent to hang out with her, and it reminded me of just how much we miss her. Thank you so much to Jenny for showing us around....we had a blast!!

The next day we took a trip to the stadium to check it out. We really are geeks when it comes to football, so it was fun to walk around while it wasn't busy. Here is a view from the stadium.

Your Daddy liked seeing his Bronco fountain!We spent the rest of the day shopping, and just enjoying the city. It was good to have a mini-vacation where at least on one day we had no plans, and could just relax.

The next morning was game day, so we got up early and went to breakfast. Now here is when things got a little exciting. I have to preface this by saying that we booked this hotel using Hotwire. It's a website where you purchase a room, but you don't know exactly where you will be staying until after you've paid. You only know the type of hotel your reservation will be comparable to. We found out we would be staying at The Westin which we were nervous about since the reviews online weren't that great. We were pleasantly surprised to find out this was quite a nice hotel and fancy in comparison to our past hotels.

After breakfast, we were walking through the street mall and came upon a booth where the Denver Bronco Cheerleaders were signing posters. We had them sign one for Team Carter, and decided that it would be best to take it up to the room before we went on to the stadium. As we were walking up to our hotel, we saw that there were a few busses parked in the front, and when we went in there were about 10-15 Lions fans waiting in the lobby. Of course we thought to ourselves..."could it be? Is the team here??". Daddy ran up to the room, and I waited in the lobby when sure enough down the escalator comes a few of the players. I surely thought my heart would beat out of my chest. I know that these are just people, but I cheer on these people every single week. I have to admit that I got starstruck. When your Daddy came back down, we were passed by Linebacker, Bobby Carpenter. Then a few seconds later, Coach Jim Schwartz started coming down the escalator with a few other players. I was within inches of all of these guys, and it was AWESOME! Daddy yelled out "Mr. Schwartz", and he waved back at him (even though he was wearing a Broncos jersey ha!). THEN a few minutes later, our Quarterback Matthew Stafford came down the escalator. The pictures we got our horrible because we had the settings messed up and everything happened so fast, but Matt is the guy in the gray sweatshirt. More and more came down...some I could recognize, and some I couldn't. This is a picture of me next to the escalator. One of my favorite players ever, our kicker, Jason Hanson is the guy in the gray suit on the left. There are a bunch of linemen behind him.The guy carrying the box is our Defensive Tackle Ndamukung Suh. Be still my heart!!We saw some cornerbacks and other wide receivers. The only player that I did not see who would have been hard to miss is Calvin Johnson (he's six foot five!). I think he must have came out before we were there. To think that I slept in the same building as my whole team is CRAZY to me, and that I was within inches of most of them is even better! We even got to meet Detroit's Hall Of Fame fan, The Crackman. He gave us a signed card too!I think about all of the things that had to come into play for this to happen, and can only be thankful to God for making it all happen. It was complete chance that we got that hotel...complete chance that we came upon the Denver Cheerleaders which caused us to go back to the hotel. We would have never have even known!

Once we got to the stadium we watched a couple of the Denver Broncos walk in. The only one we recognized was Brady Quinn. Then we took a few photo opps before the gates opened.Your Daddy even took a moment to "Tebow" in front of the Broncos.Once the gates were opened, we got to watch the players warm up. We were on row nine, so we had a close view!

At the beginning of the game, they released a TON of balloons. All we could think about is how much fun you would have with them up there in Heaven. We love you my little sweetie!

The game ended with my Lions really laying it on The Broncos, but your Daddy was a good sport about it. We really had the best time, and the best part was knowing that even after everything that has happened in the last couple of years, we can still have good things happen to us....for this we are thankful.

The Carnival

2011-10-28T16:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,
Last weekend was the school's annual Halloween Carnival. This year I got to help put it together and saw the "behind the scenes" and let me just say....there's a lot more that goes into planning these school carnivals than you would think. I only helped with some very minor details, and I was still tired!

Your brother and sister have some cute costumes this year. Jovie is of course Rapunzel, and Mikey is a Ninja. They seem to really like their costumes, and had fun dressing up for the costume parade.

The carnival had a little spook house, and a whole bunch of games with prizes. We had a ton of fun, and the best part was that Daddy got to come too! He was out of town last year, so he didn't get to come.

Your brother and sister get to go to another carnival with their cousins this weekend, so they're certainly getting their fill of Halloween activities.

A Peacock Education

2011-10-27T15:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

Your big sister is just a crack up! This is what she was working on while your Daddy and I were watching Football. What do you think? Is she a TV personality in the works?

The Right One

2011-10-25T16:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

Well, Halloween is just around the corner! Daddy and I are taking a trip a little later in the week, so we need to be sure that we get all of the Halloween traditions done before we go. A couple of weekends ago, we took a trip to the Pumpkin Patch to pick out our pumpkins. At first Jovie thought that she might like this one, but after we allowed your brother to get one of those HUGE ones, she changed her mind and got herself a huge one too!

Your brother and sister are so cute....they were very particular about finding the Right pumpkin for you, and Jovie really wants to carve one to put on your grave. They are still thinking of you and loving you baby boy, and I KNOW that will never EVER end!

I am enjoying the change of seasons so much. The colors are just stunning, and it's I honestly think that a little bit of change like this is good for me. It's when I get stuck in a rut of the same routine that I can feel the sadness creeping in.

I love you my sweet boy. I wonder if there are different seasons in Heaven too?

My Story About Janet

2011-10-24T16:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

As I explained before, I have somehow landed myself on the PTA board at your brother and sister's school. I used to work at a Junior High School, so in some ways this all feels like second nature to me. I love being in the school system, and am hopeful that next year I can find a job in one of our local schools again.

When I went to interview for the position at the Junior High, I was introduced to the Assistant Principal, Janet. I hit it off with her immediately (possibly because she knew your Grandma, but that's beside the point). My job was to mentor students who were struggling, but I was also an "assistant" to her in many ways. I learned many MANY things from her, and she became MY mentor and a very dear friend of mine. She was one of those people who has certainly helped to shape my life in many ways. Janet was AMAZING at writing grants, and finding people to donate money, so when I am raising money in your memory, I often think to myself "what would Janet do?".

I worked for Janet for about five years, and just before your big brother was born, I noticed a bit of a change in her. She started struggling with different aspects of her own life, and she just didn't seem like herself. At the time, all of these changes were subtle, but now looking back they are just pieces of the big picture. A couple of years later, she transferred to a different school and I didn't see much of her for awhile. I ran into her a few months later and was surprised at how "different" she was toward me. She acted as though we were just passing strangers, and I was absolutely crushed. I felt as though we had a special relationship....one that would never change especially after not seeing each other for only a couple of months. I remember crying and crying over it because my heart was simply broken.

A few months later she was diagnosed with Dementia.

Suddenly everything seemed so much clearer to me, and I no longer felt heartbroken over the way she had treated me, but instead began to mourn the loss of my friend. She deteriorated quickly, but her influence still continued to shape me for years to come...in fact she continues to do so even through everything we went through with you. I frequently recall certain things she would say to me when things were tough.

When I first joined the PTA at the beginning of the Summer, I was asked if I would be interested in applying for a Healthy Lifestyles Grant for our school. I thought about Janet and how much I had learned from her, and decided that it would be an awesome way to honor her. When I finished writing it, and turned it in...I thought there was no way we would get it.

But we did. It is only for $1000, but still...we got it!

And I know....I KNOW that it's all because of the things that this woman taught me, and I also KNOW that when I received an email from the people awarding the grant that stated that they wanted to bring a "big check" to present to us that this was also all part of Janet's sense of humor. Oh she was a funny one, that lady!

I was devastated when she left us to go to Heaven shortly after you did last year, but in my mind I knew that she had really been gone for a long time. At least now she can begin to teach you the things that she taught me, and I hope that you listen to her baby boy because she is one of a kind!

I love you Janet....thank you for your friendship. Take care of my sweet boy.

Visitors

2011-10-23T18:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,
I'm still doing a bit of catch up here, but I'm slowly getting there! This weekend was pretty low-key. Daddy was out of town all last week, so we just hung out at home and enjoyed having our family "mostly" complete again. We've been watching a lot of movies lately. This weekend we watched the new Pirates Of The Caribbean. Poor Jovie was a bit upset when the mermaids turned out to be not so nice. We definitely don't deserve the parents of the year award....ha!

A few weeks ago, we were surprised when we heard that some of your biggest fans were coming to Utah for a visit. Pat and Ken are related to your Grandma Geri, and they've always shown so much love and support to us ever since you were born. They send encouraging cards, and have even sent letters to your brother and sister from their cute little Grand-Dog Chico. We are blessed to call them family, and were very excited to finally meet them. We had a barbeque at our house, and it turned out just lovely. I feel as though I've known these two forever, and just love them even more now. They drove all the way from Denver just to deliver the most adorable little dress that she had sewn for your auction. Aren't they just sweet?

The Tease

2011-10-20T22:15:00.001-07:00

Dear Carter,

I've been promising a sneak peek to some of your fans, so as promised, I'll be posting a pic at the bottom. It's not much AT ALL, but I can't give away too much because I want people to go to the Festival to see your tree in real life! We have been blessed with many donations from several people, and I just can't get over how cute this tree is going to be! I simply can't wait to see it come together!

I got some very exciting news yesterday, and I'm hoping it all pans out. Jovie is going to be performing at the festival this year! She is so "eggsited to dance for Carter at the festibal". I'm so proud of her for how much she loves you and doing things for you. It's exactly the way I want her to be!

Things have continued to be busy for me around here. I have been doing a LOT of volunteering at the school, and am relieved that we have a few days off. I wanted to be sure to do something fun during our break, so your Grandma and I took Mikey, Jovie, and Raiden to see the movie, Dolphin Tale. It's such a cute movie with a really good message. I give it two thumbs up! The kids seemed to really enjoy it too! They are becoming quite the movie fans, and I don't mind one bit...I've always loved watching movies and it's even better when you have adorable kids to watch them with.

So, here is the sneak peek at your tree. Sorry, I am under strict orders from Daddy to not show any more than this. Let me just say this....Bumble is my favorite!

Drum Roll Please

2011-10-18T18:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

What a day! It started off with finalizing our Scentsy fundraiser. I can't believe how much we were able to raise. Are you ready for it?!?!

$536!

I seriously can't believe it! That's a HUGE amount! Much MUCH more than I could have ever dreamed of! Thank you so much to our family, friends, readers, and Carter supporters for making this happen. Of course, we also have to thank Adie Mitchell for her overwhelming generosity. Not only did she help us to raise the money for your tree this year, but her family purchased your first tree and gave it to us. We are beyond appreciative to her. Thank you! Carter's tree is going to be AMAZING! Trust me on this one!

So much love for you baby boy...even from people who never got the chance to meet you. I'm simply overwhelmed with pride, joy, and love tonight. It's good to be your mommy!

Candle

2011-10-17T19:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

As I promised, here's the picture of our little surprise that we found on our doorstep on Saturday morning. I switched out the lights for the picture so you could see it really good. Isn't it beautiful?! It also came with a butterfly frame to put your picture in. I just love it all! Thank you so much Price family. You always think of the things that we don't, and I know it's because you live in this same world of child loss with us. I wish that we didn't have to be here, but grateful that we have people like you to guide us through it.

We have a candle that we keep on our mantle which we light on days when we are really missing you, or when we have a family event. We have actually just started on our third one because we burn through them so quickly. I like to stare at that little flame and think about you. Sometimes I think that you are a lot like that little flame. I think about how you make my life so much brighter. You may have been a tiny flame baby boy, but you sure did create a lot of light!

Things have still been busy around here with school activities. Your brother and sister only have three days of school this week, so it will be fun to hang out with them on their days off. We plan to work on their Christmas tree for you. I'm loving the Festival Of Trees right now, and the feeling that doing these trees for you gives me. I am so grateful that your Aunt April had the brilliant idea to get involved last year. I think that it's truly what helps me the most to get through the holidays. I've even found myself listening to Christmas music a few times just to get in the mood to work on the trees.

I've also finally returned to church after my long absence after Monsignor Bonnell left. It was really hard to go back because then it would mean that he really was gone. I know that it's silly to put so much weight on the fact that he's no longer there, but I feel like in a way he held a candle to guide me on my faith journey. I go to church to be closer to God....not to be closer to a priest, but it's hard when your comfort zone has been taken away. I am slowly...and I mean slowly....adjusting to our new priest. He has made several changes, some of which I think could be good for our parish, and others I'm just not sure about. I guess mostly I don't understand some of them. I'm trying very, very hard to give him a chance though. Maybe in time he will help to lead me, and if not I will continue to attend and find my own way.

I love you so much baby boy. I plan to show you pictures from our Halloween Carnival tomorrow. It was so much fun!

Blessed!

2011-10-15T18:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Bubba,

Look at this treasure I found while making yet another archive of your pictures. I'm just so afraid that I'm going to lose one! I just love the way that you are holding on to your little monkey for dear life in this picture. You are actually watching your very favorite crib toy as well. I "think" that this one was taken in the PICU a couple of days after your heart cath. I just love your precious little cheek.

Today was the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. We woke up to a nice little treasure on our doorstep. I'll post a picture of it tomorrow, but let's just say that it just made our day! Thank you so much to whoever left us with this wonderful gift (although I'm about 99% sure who it was). We just LOVE it! It was the perfect gift for today! We are quite simply blessed.

On a day like today, I can find it so easy to fall into that sadness of missing you. I mean, it's a sadness that is always there and lingering, but it would be easy to just fall into it and crawl back into bed. I decided right away when I woke up this morning that I was NOT going to let that happen. I have friends who are going through today without nearly as much time as we got with you. Instead, I am going to thank God for the blessing we were given by having 14 months with you. I am going to feel blessed that you are healed again....that you can walk, and play, and run with all of the other little angels up there. I am going to feel blessed that God gave me the strength to take on this attitude today, and I am going to feel blessed that I will ALWAYS be your Mommy no matter if I can hold you or not.

I love you my little sweetie pie. You are heavy on my mind and heart today, but for this I will feel blessed.

About You

2011-10-13T20:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

Here we go! I'm starting with the letter "A" again because I have no idea where I left off before.

I've recently gotten myself involved with the PTA at your brother and sister's school. I have to say that the very best part of it has been meeting new people. I can honestly say that I've made some new friends from it, and I love it! I never EVER thought of myself as a PTA person, but here I am...the Health and Safety Commissioner ha HA!

The thing that comes with meeting new people is how to approach the subject of you. Whenever you get a bunch of mommies together, of course the obvious questions are going to be "How many children do you have, and what are their ages?" I still haven't quite figured out how to answer this question without making the other person uncomfortable, but I don't feel comfortable excluding you. Over the last couple of days alone I have answered this question, and of course had to tell your story immediately following when the eyebrows get raised. At the moment that I'm talking about you, I can keep it together. I even got asked today if I felt comfortable talking about you, and my reply is always "Of course! I am SO incredibly proud to be your mommy!" I don't want it to be about me...I don't want the pity stares. I just want people to know about you!

I'd be lying if I said that the emotions of missing you, and even having to talk about you like you aren't here, get to me later in the day. As hard as it is, I look at this as a good thing because telling your story keeps you living in a way...telling your story refreshes my emotions and feelings for you when sometimes I tend to become numb to it all....telling your story is letting somebody else know that you were here and that you made a difference.

I love you so much baby boy, and as long as people keep on asking, I will continue to share your story....

I will tell them all about you!

Disconnected

2011-10-12T20:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

I've been busy lately with working on stuff for your brother and sister's school, just trying to be a better mommy, a better wife, a better person. I've accomplished quite a lot over the last couple of weeks, but once again that means that I've neglected your blog a bit. It's not that I didn't want to blog, but when my computer crashed it made it even harder to get on here and do it. I have plenty I want to say...I just need to sit down and say it! I'm thinking of starting over on the alphabet challenge because it seems that those were the times when my thoughts would come out the most clear. I don't know. I know that I want to blog....I want your story to continue...I just need to find the right words to get it out there.

I've put your Carter's Hope website on hold just for a little bit. It seemed like too much with the auction, your tree, and everything else. I just want it to be perfect, and as soon as it's at least close to perfect I'll be putting it out there. It's going to happen soon...I promise! I just need a little more time, a little more prayer, to figure out which way I'm supposed to go with it.

I had several moments of just heart wrenching missing you today. It always comes in the moments when I least expect it. I broke down and let the tears fall for awhile because I haven't let that happen in awhile. It always makes me feel a bit better, and it did!

Your Scentsy fundraiser has a couple of more days left, and I am EXTREMELY pleased with it's progress. One thing is for sure....your tree (or rather trees) is going to be amazing!! I'm going to be sharing a sneak peek very soon!

I love you my little Bubba Jay. Keep on Keepin' On!

Trying To Reconnect

2011-10-11T19:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

Just a quick update to let you know that I'm still here. My computer crashed which is making it hard to do much online at all. I'll be back again very soon with TONS of updates!

Remember, we have just a few more days left in our Scentsy fundraiser. Go Carter!!

Clearing The Air

2011-10-03T16:41:00.000-07:00

So, it's possible that I've managed to confuse the heck out of everyone with all that Team Carter has going on right now. Here is a post where I hopefully clear everything up, but if you still have questions....please, please don't hesitate to contact us.

First of all, the Scentsy fundraiser is going very well. We have several orders being made, and are overwhelmed by the huge response. Scentsy really is a great product, and we are getting a GIANT 40% of the sales to put toward Carter's Christmas tree. We are able to take orders until about October 14th, so there's still plenty of time! If you would like the items shipped to you, then simply click on the picture below, and do your shopping. If you live locally and would like for me to deliver your items, then let me know by emailing me at teamcarterjay at gmail dot com, and I will get you an order form.

We've had several other people ask how they can help with the Christmas tree without ordering Scentsy. I have put a Chip-In button over there <------------------- . You can make a secure donation through that and ALL of those proceeds will be spent directly on the Christmas tree. I know that a lot of people enjoyed sending stuff for the tree last year, and that is fabulous as well! We appreciate ANY and ALL help that you may offer. We are planning to put some small toys, books, Christmas CDs, and Christmas DVDs under it this year...especially if they are Rudolph themed. We could also use some Rudolph decorations, so if you are interested in doing something like this please email me and we'll make arrangements. I can't even express how much we appreciate each and every one of you and your willingness to help.

Finally, today was the start of Carter's Second Annual online auction which benefits Operation Smile. If you have a moment, please check it out because there is some darling stuff on there! Last year we made enough to give three kids brand new smiles. We hope to meet that goal again this year.

I just have to say THANK YOU again to all of you for your continued words of encouragement, comments, love, and prayers. I feel blessed to have this blog...to have this place where I can write about my little guy and in a way keep him alive. Thank you.

What I Miss

2011-10-02T08:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

Your poor big sister got some kind of bug, and has the sore throat/fever/cough thing going on all night. She doesn't seem that much better this morning, so a trip to the doctor might be in order.

Last night, I had to wake her up in the middle of the night to give her some medicine, and I thought to myself... "I really REALLY miss this". Now, please don't misunderstand, I want your sister to feel better as quickly as possible...but I really REALLY miss having to get up in the middle of the night to give you your medicines, or start your feeds, or change your diaper.

I miss the way you would do your little boogie woogie dance and roll back and forth while making sounds with your little "singing" voice....and how that would cause your monitor to beep relentlessly (I have video of this to share soon!).

I miss the calendar that hung on our cabinet that was full every single month with doctor's appointments and therapies.

I miss the way you would laugh at your Daddy....only he could get you to do it!

I miss the way that you would play with your bead bar, and the noise of your hand rubbing back and forth along the beads.

I miss how when I would bring you into bed with me in the middle of the night, you thought it was hilarious to continually hit me in the face and grab my hair and ear. Good thing you were adorable, or I might have found this annoying!

Oh, there are so many things that I could just go on and on and on.

I miss your therapists, and the friendships we made.

I ran into your Occupational Therapist the other day which has happened several times since you went to Heaven because he also works at your brother and sister's school. It was nice to talk to him and catch up, but it was so different this time.

In the past, I have had a hard time talking with him because it would leave me a blubbering mess. This time, I didn't even shed one tear. I just enjoyed the conversation, and went on with my day (a little sadder, but not completely falling apart). I keep thinking about it, and on one hand I'm a bit proud of myself....on the other it makes me feel absolutely terrible that I have developed that "scar" of sorts over my emotions that relate to you and him.

I guess one of my major fears is that I might develop that "scar" over other things that spark emotion about you. I don't want to become numb to the missing you because in some weird way, that is what keeps me close to you. I don't want to have no emotion over seeing things that remind me of you because those things remind me of you. It's a delicate balance that I'm trying to find. One that will probably be never-ending.

Smelling Good!

2011-10-01T14:16:00.000-07:00

We've been working hard to find ways to make your Christmas donation to The Festival Of Trees just amazing! We have some truly excellent ideas in the works, and I can't wait to see it all come together! I'm not sure if we can really do any better than we did last year, but we sure are going to try!
We feel very blessed to have been given an amazing opportunity to raise funds for your Christmas tree this year. Adie Mitchell, who actually bought your tree and gave it to us last year, is a Superstar Director with Scentsy. She has offered to let us run a fundraiser where a HUGE, GIGANTIC chunk of the sales will go to your tree. 40%! Can you believe it?! She is one generous gal, and we love her for it! This is an excellent time to get some adorable gifts, and help out an amazing cause at the same time! Remember, all proceeds from Carter's Christmas tree will benefit Primary Children's Hospital where Carter spent much of his life.

So, if you feel the need to do some shopping, now would be the time to do it! Just click on the link above, or in the sidebar, and it will take you to our party home page. Be sure to check out the "Combine and Save" options to get an even better deal. If you are local, you can avoid paying shipping by contacting me at teamcarterjay at gmail dot com, and I'll get you an order form.

I can't even tell you how much we appreciate all of the support from our readers, family, and friends. Thank you so very much! We love you guys!

Better....Really? Yes!

2011-09-29T19:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

I have a bit of a confession to make, and I've got to be completely honest...

lately I have been feeling like a great big giant failure.

There are some things that have happened recently which have made me come to realize that I have been slacking a bit in life. I haven't been a very good blogger which is not acceptable because this really is my only form of journaling...I haven't been keeping in touch with some of my friends which is just sad because they are important to me...I haven't kept promises that I have made...I haven't even been going to church which is completely terrible because it affects my relationship with God.

I can try to sit here and say that it's all because I miss you so much, but honestly that is just no excuse. God has given me this life as a gift, and I need to live it, and enjoy it, and make the most of it even with my broken heart. I have to "Keep On Keepin On" for your brother and sister and daddy. They deserve so much better, and I am telling you that I am promising to be better.

I want to be a better wife, a better mommy, and a better "Carter's Mommy". I want to be a better daughter, granddaughter, and friend.

I need to be a better child of God.

So, this is my proclamation of sorts that I AM going to do better. Because you are worth it my sweet boy, and I love you so very much.

Hope Again

2011-09-27T06:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,
Lately I have had quite a hard time with missing you. Even though I know...I KNOW that we did the absolute right thing in letting you go to Heaven, it's still hard to not feel that it would be so much better for us if you were here with us right now. You going to Heaven was the absolute best thing for you, but it has to be the absolute worst thing here. I praise God for giving us the strength to make that decision, and now I am praying to him to make me feel the peace with it again. I was there before, and I know it will come again...I just have to be patient.

We have several plants from your funeral, and I'll be the first to admit that I'm not very good with houseplants. Several of the plants haven't quite made it over the last 17 months (really, is that how long it's been since I held you last?!), but there are still five or six that are doing well. I was sad that none of my Peace Lillies had bloomed since the original blooms had died. I have been trying my hardest to nurture these babies because I really REALLY just wanted to see them bloom again. I've done research....moved them to different parts of the house...done growth dances (ok, maybe not that part), but I feel like I've done everything I can to get these plants to bloom with no avail.

I was absolutely thrilled (and I mean it!!) when I noticed this on one of your plants yesterday. I swear it seems like it came out of no where! I didn't even see it coming! It just put everything into perspective for me again. When we started out this journey of losing you, I really did have a lot of hope and peace which could easily be symbolized by the bloom, but over time those started to die away flower by flower. Maybe God and I are working hard to try to nurture my peace back to health. Maybe we are trying to look at things from different angles and doing growth dances (ha ha, yeah I really put that in there again), and just hoping for some spark to appear again. Maybe in time it will, and maybe it already has...I just haven't quite noticed it yet.

This was something that I really needed...a gentle reminder that I really can have hope and peace again.

The Day Rudolph Attacked

2011-09-23T21:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

I went to another DoTerra Party tonight...I really am liking the essential oils and wish that they were around while you were here because I believe they could have made you a bit more comfortable, but that's a whole other post.

Anyway, toward the end of the party, I got a phone call from your Daddy. He normally texts me when I'm at something like this, so I knew that something must be wrong. I slipped out and answered my phone. Here's how the conversation went...

Daddy: "where are the tweezers?"

I immediately go through all of the possible reasons why he might need tweezers, but I would have NEVER guessed it.

Me: "on the right side drawer of the bathroom vanity (immediately follows the big question)...why?!"

Daddy: "Mikey has a tiny bell stuck in his ear"

Me: "What?!" believing that I had to have heard him wrong

Daddy: "Mikey has Rudolph's bell in his ear...I think he might have to go to the emergency room"

Me: "I'm on my way"

Grandma and I left right away (we were only about a mile away), all the while wondering if DoTerra actually sells an oil for "ringing in the ears". When we were about halfway home, Daddy called me back to say that he got the bell out.

So, here's the story.

Mikey was in your room watching TV when he noticed that a tiny bell (really, it was SO tiny) had fallen off of a Rudolph decoration that we had for your tree. He took it into the living room to show Daddy, and Daddy told him to put it on the counter. Well, I'm not exactly sure what happened here, but Mikey's story goes that he was just "trying" to listen to the bell, and he dropped it in his ear at which point he panicked and tried for the next ten minutes to get it out (while probably making it even worse) until he finally resigned and asked Daddy for help.

It was shoved in so far that Daddy could only see the very tip of it where the string had been holding it to Rudolph.

Daddy got it out using a dental pick (did you just cringe, because I did). Crisis averted. No trip to the Emergency Room needed.

But your poor, poor brother. When he got on the phone with me to tell me he was OK, he just burst into tears. THEN he greeted me with a big hug and a much needed cuddle. Daddy saved the day, but Mommy got to reap the benefits.

And it's possible that after this entire traumatic experience, he's sleeping peacefully next to me right now.

And I don't mind one bit.

Never, EVER a dull moment.

Oh How I Love

2011-09-18T17:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

Whenever I see this picture, I think of it as you checking out your Fantasy Football team. Ha! Really, you were watching a little movie, but still the Fantasy Football reference doesn't seem like too much of a stretch in this family.

Oh how I love this time of year. It helps me so much with the missing you. Your Daddy and I have always had a bit of an obsession with football, and now we can see it starting to rub off on your brother a little...although football hasn't surpassed the video games in his world, but we're making progress.

For the last two weekends, we've spent most of our time at home watching football, eating yummy food, and just being together. Today our friend, Mike, even came over to watch a little bit with us and it was a blast! Just like how it used to be when Daddy and I first got married. I'm thankful that the season started when it did, and that it's been a good distraction for us.

I was wanting to get your Carter's Hope website up and running for tomorrow, but it's still not going to be ready. I've had some major issues with setting up the hosting and such and it looks like they're finally fixed, but they won't take affect for up to 48 hours. I'm anxious to get this baby rolling, so I'm hoping that this is the last snag I run into.

I love you so much sweetie pie!

It's Coming!

2011-09-16T20:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

I'm beyond excited! I ran into a little snag while I was getting the Carter's Hope website up and running, and it's finally ready to go! Wahoo! Baby boy, you're about to make another huge difference in the world! I love you so much, and am looking forward to see where this leads. I'm hopeful that we will find new ways to offer support to special needs parents out there!

The website is going to kick off on Monday, and after it gets going, we'll be doing a few giveaways to help us spread the word. It's going to be fun!! To all of the special needs parents out there, we would love Love LOVE it if you would share your stories on the website, or offer any other ways that you think we could help. Please feel free to email me!

We have a bunch of other stuff going on too! Your second annual Operation Smile auction is happening at the beginning of October. If any of our readers have handmade items to donate, we would love to hear from you! There will be more info on the auction coming later this week.

Things around here have been quite busy. Daddy has been working a lot just trying to get himself used to his new area. He's getting the hang of it!

Jovie is just loving Kindergarten. She hurries home to do her homework, and usually finishes it all on the very first night. The Beefcake got into a little trouble this week when he literally ate her homework. Luckily, her teacher was very understanding.

Mikey is just plain growing up. It kills me the way he walks around with his hands in his pockets like he's a grown man. Second grade has been fun for him so far, and he's loving having so many friends in his class.

I've been doing a lot of "Mommy" stuff lately. For some reason I've been on an organization/meal planning kick. It's out of my typical realm, but it feels good to get some of these projects done. It just makes me feel good. I feel like it's a good use of my time.

I've been missing you a lot lately, but it's not hurting as much for right now. Probably because I've been so busy working on your tree and your website. I've been visiting your grave a lot more, and keeping it cleaned up and decorated. Look for some new Fall decorations coming this week!

It's That Time Again!

2011-09-12T20:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

It's that time of year again when I've started getting to work on your Christmas tree. In most ways it feels like we just barely did this yesterday! I printed off our donation letters today, and plan to hit up the local businesses this week. I already made a stop at one shop today and am crossing my fingers that they say Yes!

Daddy and I have some serious plans for the little tree of yours. I think that it's going to turn out just simply adorable! I can't wait to get our second year under our belt! What's even more exciting to me is that your brother and sister are going to be creating their own tree for you this year. It's going to be a small tabletop tree so that they can decorate it themselves before we take it down for decorating day.

To Our Readers,

I've been getting a lot of questions about ways that people can help. I'm going to list a few ways, but please PLEASE don't feel pressured to do any of them. We appreciate just your positive thoughts and prayers, and I mean it!

The first way is to just attend the Festival Of Trees. This is actually how the charity makes the bulk of their money. It's an amazing sight to see, and completely worth it!

The second way would be to send an ornament for Carter's tree. We had a TON of donations last year which resulted in a tree truly made with love! I have gotten a lot of responses that people really enjoyed searching for the perfect ornaments, so if you would like to help...please send me an email to teamcarterjay at gmail dot com so we can work something out. We could use ornaments/figurines in the theme of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, and Butterflies (for Mikey and Jovie's tree).

The third way would be a cash donation through our ChipIn page. Now, I KNOW that some people don't feel comfortable doing this, and I don't blame you one bit! I'm only putting it here for convenience for the people who have asked how to make a cash donation. All cash donations will be used to purchase things such as lights, ornaments, and supplies for our little tree. Here's the link, and I'll be placing it on my sidebar as well.

Thank you so much for all of your kind words and support. It's true that I've had a rough couple of weeks, but I do think I'm finally on the end of it. It's time to get to work for my baby boy!

What Is Wrong With ME?

2011-09-11T15:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

While we were at the car wash, it somehow became my job to entertain the people while they were getting their cars washed. It's not like I whipped out my juggling act or something, but I just made conversation. Trust me when I say that me juggling would probably be quite entertaining, but it wouldn't be because I was good at it!

A lot of the people who came to the car wash were friends of ours, but there were certainly quite a few people who stopped by due to the awesome job by our advertising crew! There was one family who had their car washed because they saw the words "chromosomal disorder" on our shirts. They had a little boy (who was simply adorable!) with Down syndrome. As I was chatting with the mom, she asked me what your diagnosis was.

I was absolutely stunned when for a few moments, I honestly could.not.remember.

I searched my brain for the correct numbers from the chromosomes that were a little different, but they didn't come to me. In fact, as I was stumbling over my words...I even threw out the number 13 before it hit me that it was your numbers 10 and 2 that made you so special.

All night long I felt absolutely horrible about it. I mean, how in the world could I forget something so SO important?? How could I not spout off that information like I used to?? Not only did it make me feel horrible, but it panicked me. If I can't remember something as important as that, then what else am I forgetting?! I hope and pray that there isn't something else.

After thinking about this for a few more days, I am feeling a bit better about it. I mean, does it really matter what your diagnosis was? What should matter is that you were loved so very much by your family...that you continue to change the world...that YOU won't be forgotten even if the smaller details are.

I don't want to forget the smaller details, and trust me when I say that I'll be reading through the blog and doing my best to remember everything that I can about you. I don't want to feel that panicky feeling again.

I love you so much my sweet baby boy, and I'm proud to say that you are my son.

Oh My Goodness!

2011-09-09T21:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

Your cousin, Samantha, is one amazing girl! She put together a car wash for you today, and it was nothing less than AWESOME! Check it out baby boy...it's even advertised on the Sonic sign!!

The manager even put a jug out to collect donations, and it already had some money in it when we started. Amazing!

Even your brother, sister, and cousin Justin got in on the helping. Tonight I couldn't be prouder of them. Both your brother and sister are coming down with a cold, but that didn't stop them from participating. They worked so SO SO hard tonight. They were washing cars like crazy, and holding up signs for the people going by. My heart is swollen with pride. They sure do love you, and are learning what it means to do these types of events for you. I love it!

I feel badly that I didn't get more pictures, but I put it away early when it almost got wet a couple of times. Trust me when I say that this car was was BUSY. There was a line a couple of times, and we had to shuffle around cars to fit them all in there.

By the end of tonight, your sister was soaked. She scrubbed those cars like nobody's business. Poor little girl is already crashed in her bed under two blankets (so is your brother!). I hope they feel better tomorrow.

Your brother being silly!

This was at the very beginning when we were waiting for cars to start rolling in...this was the only time when we were standing around.

Never trust this boy with the hose. He looks good doing it though!

After it was all said and done, your cousin raised $251 for your Christmas tree. That doesn't even include the Sonic coupon cards that she has sold so far.

Thank you so SO much to all of the members of Team Carter who came out to support us. Thank you to Sonic, and their manager Jaime, for allowing us to do this. We hope that we can continue to work together. I am in awe at how well they treated us, and how many people paid more than the $5 we were asking for our charity. Tonight my heart is full.

Love you baby boy.

Dirty Cars!

2011-09-08T06:43:00.000-07:00

If you need your car washed, stop on by Sonic in Clinton TOMORROW between 5 and 7. All proceeds benefit Samantha's Team Carter donation to The Festival Of Trees.

Even if you don't need your car washed, just stop by to say Hi!

Also remember that Samantha is selling Sonic Coupon cards that should work nationwide for $5 each. If you're interested in one of those, send me an email and I'll ship it out to you.

We love you!

Announcement!

2011-09-07T07:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

I've been working like crazy on the little Christmas tree over the last couple of days. Mostly just contacting businesses to see if they are willing to donate. I haven't heard a "Yes!" yet, but I haven't really expected to from the businesses I've contacted so far.

I can't remember if I've announced the theme for our tree yet, so I thought that today I'd make the big announcement. We've been planning this since last year, and are excited by the possibilities this project could bring.

So, announcing the Team Carter tree of 2011...

"We Are All Misfits"

I've had a lot of people asking how they can help, and I'll be posting a list of things we need very soon. I also welcome ANY and ALL ideas on this tree. I've got a few swirling in my head, and can't wait to see it all come together. I have had so much feedback from everyone last year that they enjoyed donating a piece of our tree, so of course we will keep up with the effort.

Thank you so much for your support. Sending many prayers and love.

Oh Beefy

2011-09-06T17:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,
Poor little Beefy had to have a surgery last week. He went in to have a hernia repaired, and...well....um.....I'm sure you can figure out what else. The vet told us to keep him calm for 3-5 days since he would have a lot of pain from the hernia repair, but beyond the first night he seemed absolutely fine. We tried our best to keep him calm, but by the next morning he was back to his crazy self. It's a good thing too because nobody in our family was happy while he was sick. Gotta love our puppy!!

Your brother and sister have been enjoying school. Jovie absolutely loves being in Kindergarten, and is thrilled whenever she gets to see her big brother at school. I have been volunteering in their classrooms a lot which I really like because I get to know their classmates. I think they are both going to have really good years.

I also wanted to let our readers know that this Friday is the Car Wash that Samantha has set up to benefit the tree she is donating for Carter. If anyone is interested in contributing, it will be at Sonic Drive In in Clinton from 5:00-7:00. She is also selling Sonic coupon cards which should be valid nationwide for $5 each. If you are interested, please send me an email and we'll work something out. I can ship it to you! As always, thank you so much for your love and support.

The Good Cry

2011-09-05T13:24:00.001-07:00

Dear Carter,
Yesterday, I had a rough morning. I kept going through those last few days with you in my head, and wishing that we could just go back to the times like these. I could feel those emotions building for a few days now, so it wasn't all that shocking to me when I just broke down and had a good cry.

It all stemmed from a dream I had of you the other night. I've been begging and BEGGING to dream of you, and now that I finally did, it wasn't in the way I had hoped. It was all about you being in the hospital...about those last few days. I felt myself getting on one of those waves of trying to figure out how in the heck I am supposed to survive in this world without you.

The good cry did a lot of good. I feel like that wave is over for now, and I feel refreshed and ready to go to work for you. I just want you to know how much I love you and miss you.

Oh Yes I Did!!

2011-09-04T21:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

Last weekend, our family decided to take a quick trip outta here, and it was excellent! It's amazing to me how just going an hour away can feel like a REAL vacation. We started out by driving through East Canyon to get to Park City. We wanted to check out some of the campgrounds up there, and it was such a pretty drive! After we checked into our hotel, we got some dinner, attempted to go bowling (the lane had too long of a wait), swam in the hotel pool, and enjoyed some Uno.

The next day, we woke up and took a trip up to Olympic Park. I can't believe that I'd never been there before. What a cool place!! The kids weren't quite as thrilled with it as your Daddy and I were, but they still had a good time. What do you think? Future Bobsled team? We just need a Team Carter logo on the side of that bad boy!

She is the next Olympian FOR SURE!

Mikey insisted on letting the buffalo run him over

This was one of the coolest parts (for Mommy and Daddy at least!) there were skiers going down these ramps and landing in a huge pool in the bottom. We could have stayed and watched them for hours, but Mikey and Jovie had other plans

We checked out these ski jumps too. Who knew that in the Summer they just wet these down, and away the skiers go. I had no idea!

Next, we took a ride up a ski lift to get to an Alpine Slide. So pretty, and we saw a ton of butterflies on the way!

Daddy and Mikey getting started on the Alpine Slide. This track was over a mile long!

Daddy bought a ticket for me to try out the zipline. I've NEVER done one before, but kind of wanted to try it. Here's Mikey and Jovie waiting for me to come down the big ole' mountain.

And there I am! Trust me, I look a LOT more relaxed than I felt. I started way up there on that ridge. Oh my gosh, what a rush!!

After our trip to Olympic Park, we headed to the Outlet malls for a bit of shopping, then on to our next stop in West Valley. This hotel has a waterpark inside of it. Your brother and sister thought that this was by far the highlight of the entire trip.

Mikey LOVED the waterslide. It actually went outside of the building. He was so cute, and kept trying to do tricks when he would come down it. At one point he looked like he was meditating...he called it his Master Shifu. Love this kid!

It was a nice refreshing weekend. We need to do it more often!

Into The Waves

2011-09-03T14:55:00.000-07:00

The Next Article for Daddy's Newsletter

Earlier this year, our family took a little vacation to sunny California. We had purposely planned it to be right after Carter’s birthday so to have a little pick-me-up. As we were planning, it seemed odd to imagine a family vacation without one of our most important members. It really hit me that we would never be able to go on a vacation as a complete family, but this was just one of those things that we would have to learn to get used to.

Soon after we arrived, we took a drive out to Huntington Beach. What a beautiful place it is. Our children had never seen the wide ocean, so to see the wonder in their eyes was simply inspiring. At first, Mikey was tentative about walking into the water. He would only stick the very tips of his toes into the edge of the waves and I could see the fear in his stance. After a little encouragement, he built up enough courage to let the water surround his feet. I watched as he played with the sand between his toes, and felt a sadness that Carter would never be able to experience that feeling of the soft mud against his skin. I watched as Mikey’s steps became more purposeful, and soon he was knee deep in the water. The current was anything but calm that day, and at times the waves were big enough to soak his shorts. He stood strong against the current and let the waves crash into him. Mikey wasn’t going to let them deter him from enjoying this moment. Although at times the chill of the water would cause him to shout out in pain, a giggle was soon to follow. He felt the initial shock, and as soon as it began to wear he could feel the joy that followed.

As I watched my son play in the water, I began to think a lot about Carter. I drew his name in the sand, and thought about how I was tentative in the beginning of his life too. The world of special needs seemed so wide and scary, but once I dipped my toe into the edge I began to find my courage. Soon I was walking further into this different life, and I began to let it surround me. I felt the initial shock leaving my skin, and the comfort started to creep in. I began to accept that this was how things would be, and I realized that although it may have seemed cold in the beginning, it really was a warm place. This place felt right to me now, and I began to experience the joy that came with it. It seemed as though there were always waves crashing into our family, and we had to make a decision to drown or stand strong. Of course we stood strong. As long as we had Carter, those waves could crash into us forever and we would enjoy every single moment. I wish that we could have stayed in that place forever.

Now that we’ve left that place, I feel as though we are still waiting for the shock of this place to wear off. I have dipped my toes into the edge, and I have started walking into it head on. I can always feel the waves crashing into me, and I am choosing to stand strong because I’m hopeful that one day we will be able to feel the joy that follows. It’s just a little too soon for that now.

The Golden Girls

2011-09-01T19:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,
I'm really trying to keep your blog updated again, and tonight this thought came to me so I thought that I'd better just run with it...no matter how crazy it may seem!

I know that I'm going to get teased non-stop for this, but I still have to put it out there.

I LOVE The Golden Girls!!I know, I know, I know. Such a random thought to be putting on your blog, but I just have to say it. I LOVE The Golden Girls. Each and every one of them because they all bring something different to the table (so to speak!...if you've ever watched the show, you get that pun).

The thing about this show is that I don't even have to DVR it...it is just always ALWAYS on in the middle of the night when I can't sleep because I'm thinking about you, or waking up because I'm still somehow on your schedule after all this time.

This show makes me laugh so hard, and for just a few moments while I'm watching it, I can forget about how much I miss you as I go on a journey with these ladies through whatever silly problem they are working through in their half hour. At the end of the half hour, they find their solution, make a few jokes about it, eat a cheesecake, and everyone is happy.

Last night as the episode was ending, I thought to myself...why can't real life be like this?

That's when it hit me.

Maybe, just maybe it is?

Maybe life on this Earth is like that half hour show. Although it is much MUCH longer than a half hour, maybe in the grand scheme of things it really isn't.

I've always believed that this part of my life where I miss you like crazy is only one tiny moment in time. That I will be with you for much MUCH longer than I will be without you.

So, maybe we go around trying to work through our problems, trying to heal our broken hearts, but in the end when our show is over, we will make a few jokes, eat a cheesecake, and everyone will be happy.

Sounds nice to me.

P.S. Now the theme song is running through my head again. "Thank you for being a friend..."

His Big Day!

2011-08-31T12:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

Your brother turned the big 8 on August 21st. We had his birthday party on the Saturday before since he had to start school the very next day. This year he requested a Lego party which meant that Mommy had to get a little creative with the pinata and the cake!

Both of them turned out pretty awesome if you ask me! He's finally getting the hang of building Legos by using the instructions that come in the kits, so he requested Legos and Star Wars stuff for his birthday.

And he got a ton of it! The kid didn't get one stitch of clothing, it was all toys! Well, toys and an adorable Pug notebook which he has been practicing his writing in (this kid cracks me up!)

Happy Birthday to my little eight year old. I begged and begged and begged you to stay seven, but you wouldn't listen.

This is going to be a big year for Mikey! I can't wait to see where it leads!

The Best Thing Ever

2011-08-30T14:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

This is the best thing ever!

The First Day

2011-08-29T20:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

Last Monday was Mikey's first day of school. It went well, and I didn't even get sad. In fact, I might have found myself smiling a little at my friends who were tearing up over seeing their first graders off to school. I remember last year, and how hard it was to see Mikey go for an entire day. This year was so much different. I still had my little Jovie with me, and was used to Mikey being gone all day.

Today was Jovie's first day, and the feelings couldn't have been more different.
It was hard.

I got her up, got her ready (and she looked absolutely beautiful, right?!), and was feeling alright about everything. In fact, I was looking forward to a little bit of alone time. Maybe I'll get a lot more done on all of the projects I have going on right now. I took a deep breath, and stepped out the door.

Still doing OK.

I drove them to school, and walked her to the line where she waits for her teacher.
Still doing OK.

Then I watch her walk into that huge building, and as I look around at all of the parents surrounding me who have their babies in strollers it hits me.

I am completely alone.

I am the only one who is not taking care of a little one.
The only one not pushing a stroller.
The only one with empty arms.

This is NOT how it's supposed to be. I'm supposed to be pushing you in a stroller back to the car. I'm supposed to take care of you, and although I know that this is not how it was meant to be, I still feel like it was a kick in the gut again.

I took that long walk back to the car, and tried to keep busy until it was time to pick your sister up...and the time really did go by quickly. She had a wonderful day. It was everything she could have hoped for. The highlight was when she got to play with Mikey on the playground, and he loved that part too.

Tomorrow will be a better day, and I WILL get used to this part.
I love you.

Wild Kingdom

2011-08-28T16:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

We kicked off Mikey's birthday weekend with a quick trip to the zoo. We got our season pass a couple of trips ago, but Daddy hadn't had a chance to come with us until this time. It was a nice day out, and your brother and sister loved hanging out as a family. I think it was this day out that made us realize just how much we have missed being together this Summer, and as a result we went on a mini-vacation this weekend (pics to come!).

I actually have a picture of your brother on this very same caterpillar that was taken when he was only one year old! I need to pull it out for a comparison. Actually, maybe I don't because it just might make me sad to see how much he's grown. Time flies!

This Giraffe was crazy! That is his tongue that is hanging down to lick that tree. Jovie giggled and giggled and giggled every time he did it.

It was an excellent day, and I'm so glad that we got some family time in before school started.

CAR WASH!

2011-08-24T15:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

We have some exciting news about our next Team Carter event! Remember when I told you that you would have three trees representing you in The Festival Of Trees this year? Well, your darling cousin, Samantha, has partnered up with Sonic Drive-In to put on a Car Wash to raise funds for the tree she is making. She is calling her tree "Sweeter Than Candy" because you my baby boy are just that!

So, to all of our readers, you are invited to attend:

Samantha's Team Carter Car Wash

September 9th from 5:00-7:00

Sonic Drive In

1688 N 2000 W

Clinton, UT 84015

Each car wash is only $5 and all proceeds will go toward making Samantha's Team Carter tree totally awesome! The proceeds from The Festival Of Trees benefit Primary Children's Hospital where Carter spent much of his life.

Live too far away, or can't make it? No worries my friends, because Samantha is also selling Sonic coupon cards for $5 each (100% of the proceeds also go to her tree). With one of these babies you can score one of each of the following:

Buy one Sonic burger at regular price get one free

$1.99 wacky pack kids meal

$.99 regular iced latte

Buy one footlong quarter pound coney at regular price get one free

Buy one single topping sundae get one free

$.99 breakfast burrito

$.99 route 44 big drink soft drink

Free medium onion rings with any sandwich purchase.

Please feel free to spread this event around on Facebook or by telling every SINGLE person you know! LOL. The more money we can raise for Carter's tree, the more money will go to Primary Children's. Love you all!

Beefcake : The Movie!

2011-08-23T20:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

Your brother has been working on a project for the entire Summer, and we are so proud to say that it's finally finished! He did all of the filming by himself, and had several ideas on which way he wanted this to go. Since he obviously hasn't ever used any video editing software before, I had to help him in that department, but I promise that I only did what he asked me to. Mikey told me a long time ago that he wanted to be a director when he grows up, and I think that it just might be likely! He's got quite the imagination, and I think a natural knack for this. So, here it is. Beefcake: The Movie. He's already working on the sequel!

P.S. Yes, he does say "Behind Mars". That's how he thought the saying went, and I didn't want to correct him because it was so adorable ;)

Here We Go!

2011-08-22T19:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

I'm going to do a huge picture update later, but wanted to tell you all about our day today.

Your big brother started his very first day of second grade. The emotions were much different for me this year because I think I am used to him staying at school all day. Last year I remember it being very hard on me. I think that a lot of it has to do with knowing that I'll probably be at the school a lot helping out with PTA stuff.

It sounds as though he had a wonderful day. He has a LOT of friends in class with him, and he also has a brand new teacher who seems very eager to make this year fun for her students. Mikey even gets to be the very first "Surfer of the Week" since his birthday was only yesterday. I love it when he has to make the "About Me" posters because I get to see what he really thinks about himself.

Your sister will start Kindergarten next Monday. That's probably when I'll find myself getting more sentimental and sad. I just have to keep reminding myself that there is absolutely nothing I can do about them growing up, so why be sad about it? This is what they are supposed to do, and I really am proud of them for it! Today she and I went clothes shopping, and I tried to let her pick out her own clothes. For the most part she did a wonderful job, but there were a few times that I had to gently guide her toward another selection. One of our biggest scores of the day were not one, but TWO adorable Peacock shirts. She is going to look BEAUTIFUL this year. We had a blast having a girl's day out, and I hope that even when she is a teenager we will still have a good relationship. Your grandma and I struggled during that time in our lives.

I love you so much baby boy, and have really struggled with missing you during the last week. I know that it's because of all of the milestones that we have been hitting with starting school and Mikey's birthday. I just always ALWAYS feel like there is something missing, and that something (or rather someone) is definitely you! I am sure that it is a feeling that will always be here, and I really am adjusting to having it often, but it still hurts sometimes. I was thrilled when as we were walking to the doors of the school today, I saw a little butterfly leading the way. It was a gentle reminder that although you aren't here...you really are. I do know this, and I continue to remind myself of this, but as always it doesn't feel like quite enough.

I am looking forward to getting some serious work done on Carter's Hope and also on your Festival Of Trees donation during this week. It always helps me so much with the missing you.

We love you. Always and forever Bubba Jay!

Mikey's Day

2011-08-21T18:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Mikey,

Happy Birthday to you my sweet boy! I can't believe that eight years ago today we welcomed you into our world. I remember how nervous I was to be your Mommy because you were so SO adorable and I didn't want to mess you up! You were a true joy for us. You were the CUTEST baby and you were SO FUN. Daddy and I were just learning what it means to be a parent, and we were lucky that we got you as our first teacher.

Thank you for being such a wonderful big brother to your sister and baby brother. I KNOW that Jovie feels comfortable about starting school with knowing that you are in the same building. I love how you are always thinking of Jovie and Carter. You find ways to make them feel special, and I appreciate it.

I love you more than you can know, and I'm still going to beg you to just stay seven because quite honestly I don't want you to grow up. I want you to always be OK with holding my hand, and snuggling, and hugging me, and kissing me. I know that you must grow up, and I am proud of you for it. I hope that you have an amazing year at school, and wish you luck tomorrow on your very first day of second grade!

Happy 8th Birthday!

Carter's Hope

2011-08-14T21:06:00.000-07:00

Thank you so much for all of the comments, emails, and messages about our plea for help with our new project. You have helped us to see exactly what we need to be doing.

We are very excited to announce Team Carter’s newest project, Carter’s Hope. This is a place where we will be providing support for parents who are just learning that they will join our world of Special Needs Parenting. We want this to be a place where we can show that no matter what there is always, ALWAYS HOPE.

I hope that you will join us in spreading Carter’s Hope by sharing your story about your journey in the special needs world. As this site grows we will be adding sections full of information that may be helpful to these new parents such as advice, a comprehensive list of “special needs friendly” doctors, and information on applying for different types of assistance.

If you would like to share your story, please send me an email at cartershope@gmail.com . Feel free to share as little or as much as you feel comfortable with, and we would love it if you included a picture. Here are just a few questions to help guide you through your writing:
When did you find out that you would be a Special Needs parent and what was your child’s diagnosis?

What is your child’s diagnosis, and what kind of special needs does he/she have?

What has your journey been like?

What do you wish you would have known at the start of your journey?

What advice would you give to a new parent in the special needs world?

What kind of assistance have you received for your child, and what was the process to receive it?

Did you ever have a doctor/therapist act like there was no hope for your child, and he/she proved them wrong?

Do you have a blog that you would like us to link to? If so, please include the address and we’ll add it to our blog roll.

I look forward to getting the ball rolling on this. I will begin posting the stories on September 15th when our hosted site will be up and running. As always thank you so much your support. I appreciate how Team Carter can keep Carter's memory alive.

Love you all!

Update

2011-08-14T08:53:00.001-07:00

Dear Carter,

There is still a lot going on around here which has left me with little time to update. Your Daddy has been out of town for a lot of the Summer which has left me in the "single parent" role. It's difficult without him here because he is the anchor of our family. We're making do the best we can, and am glad to see his travelling come to an end.

Mikey has had a fun Summer. His birthday is this weekend, and he'll be turning the big eight! Then he starts school the very next day as a big shot second grader. He is going to be starting his swimming lessons this week, and has also started tumbling (shhhhh, don't tell anyone though because he's a little embarrassed by it even though he's having a blast with it). We've decided that with how crazy our summer has been, it's best to opt out of Fall sports this year. It will be a much needed break.

Jovie is starting Kindergarten, and she couldn't be more excited. She can't wait to be at school again. We managed to get her the same Kindergarten teacher that your brother had, so it should be a good year for little J. One thing is for sure! She is completely ready to start school again because she is b-o-r-e-d. I try to keep her busy with different activities, but she's tired of me.

Since Daddy has been out of town a lot, I've borrowed a bike so I could go on rides with your brother and sister. I'm really, REALLY enjoying it, and am kind of looking forward to taking some long rides by myself once they start school. Maybe I'll even lose some of this extra fat in the process...HA!

I know that once again I have failed to keep up with your blog, but I promise it's only because I've been working on your other projects. I love you so much my sweet little guy. I still haven't had a dream about you, but that's OK. I know that when the time is right, I will.

I figure I have somehow managed to get myself on the PTA Board which is so completely out of my comfort zone, but I am going to try to do the best I can.

Special Needs & Medically Fragile Help ...Please?

2011-08-07T18:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Special Needs Parents,

I need help. (I just wanted to be blunt lol!)

I know that we still have a lot of you that visit our blog, and I am ever so grateful for your continued support. I feel blessed that I was able to join such an amazing community, and though our little special needs guy is no longer with us on Earth...I still feel the need to continue to be a part of it.

It's because of this that I am asking for your help on Carter's newest project. I am working on starting a new website/support group/forum to find ways to support new parents on their Special Needs/Medically Fragile journey. I know that when I first found out that we had landed in "Holland", I felt quite alone with not so much hope.

I'm just wondering if you could please either email me at teamcarterjay at gmail dot com, or leave a comment with ideas on what kind of support you wish you would have had in the beginning of your journey. Or even better, maybe support that you received that you feel helped you to realize that you CAN have HOPE while living in the world of Special Needs/Medically Fragile.

Thank you so much to each and every one of you!

Much Love and Many Prayers,
Heather

Monitors

2011-08-04T21:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

I have been working hard on your new project, and it's coming together nicely. I think that just about the time I get this one going...it will be about time to start on your tree for the Festival Of Trees. It seems like time is moving so fast these days. I don't know if that is good or bad.

As I was reading about some of your medically fragile friends today, I realized something that I haven't thought about in awhile.

There are so SO many things that I would constantly think that I would be glad to be rid of when you were here. I couldn't wait for you to be done with the oxygen....be done with the G tube...be done with the monitors. Now that you are done with those things, but not in the way that I had hoped, I find that I really miss all of your little accessories.

I miss having to wake up several times throughout the night to the beeping of your Oximeter. Usually just because you were wide awake and you were swinging your foot from side to side. I think that you thought that game was funny. The crazy thing is that even after all of this time, I still follow that same sleep schedule. I can't fall asleep until after your night feeding would have been done, and I still wake up at your medication times. I guess my body still feels the need to take care of you.

I miss having to make the weekly phone call to get new Oxygen tanks delivered to our house. I would always feel nervous that there would be some sort of huge disaster and we wouldn't be able to get you the Oxygen you needed...having full tanks made me feel a lot more comfortable.

I miss having to check your crazy calendar before I could plan anything because you had so many doctors appointments and therapies scheduled.

I miss prepping your formula and hooking up your G Tube. Even when it would beep for absolutely no reason.

I miss mixing all of your medications.

I miss checking your hearing aid battery.

I miss practicing your sitting and rolling and eye tracking and head control and weight bearing. I miss your therapists.

I miss spending time with you at the hospital. Even though it was a terrible place to be, I miss rocking you in their rocking chairs.

As I was giving Jovie her goodnight kiss tonight she said "Carter had to have eyedrops before he went to sleep...huh?". It made me happy that she remembered that simple thing, but sad that I don't get to give you eye drops anymore. I miss that.

I guess what I'm saying is, I miss every little thing about you. I miss what it meant to be your mommy while you were here even though it was hard sometimes.

No matter how much I miss those things, I feel an intense relief in knowing that you don't need any of them anymore. I am calmed in knowing that you can move around and play free from the wires and tubes and medicines.

How amazing that must feel to you. Play free baby boy!

Days Go By

2011-08-01T20:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

I miss you a lot today.

Things have been going OK, but there have been a few trials over the past couple of weeks which have made me think to myself that they would be so SO much easier to endure if you were here with me. There are times when your Daddy and I start to think..."really God, haven't we endured enough?". Seconds later I feel guilty for thinking that way because honestly things could be a lot worse. We really are blessed, and we KNOW that. It's just easy to act like a toddler sometimes and throw a little tantrum.

Your brother and sister have been keeping me busy. We've taken a trip to the zoo, spent a lot of time at the library, and even more time just playing in our backyard. I'm not ready for the Summer to be over, so I'm trying to savor these last three weeks. Mikey agrees with me, and would love for it to be Summer all year round. Your sister is so excited to start Kindergarten that she just can't stand it. As much as I don't want her to grow up, I'm trying hard to enjoy these moments with her because I know that it's likely to be the last time that I send a little sweetie off to the first day of "real" school.

I noticed today that it might be time to change the picture of you on our fridge. I kiss it at least a couple of times a day, and I can start to see some "wear" on your cheek. I hope that you can feel my kisses and that you know how much we love and miss you....my sweet baby boy.

Play Ball!

2011-07-24T18:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

Last week we said goodbye to T-Ball. This was your big brother's last year in this league, and he's thrilled to move on to baseball! Brutus even came to one of the games, but he got way too hot. Maybe he's more of a Fall sport puppy.

Mikey had a great year! He had a blast with all of his little friends on the team. His first year of T-Ball started right after you were brought home from the hospital, and his second year started right before you went to Heaven...so needless to say his life was turned upside down both times. This year he could just enjoy the game.

We're proud of the little slugger! He did a great job this year!

Independence Day

2011-07-20T18:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,
I'm a little late getting these on here, but at least I'm doing it now. Here are some pictures from our Fourth Of July weekend. This is Daddy's favorite holiday, and it holds a special place in my heart because I remember it as being one of the first important holidays we got to spend with you. Here's an awesome pic of the majority of Team Carter waiting for the parade. Mikey loves parades.....well, mostly he loves the candy

Jovie had cousin, Sam, paint her face for the occasion.

Here are the two best sister in laws a girl could ask for. Oh how I love these girls! Uncle Marty started a HUGE water fight between the adults and kids. I think that they all had a blast (and we did too!)

All of the men in charge of the arsenal
Even the beefcake had a good time!
Love your Grandmas!
Before the water fight!
Of course we took a moment to visit you and decorate for the Fourth. Those blue flowers are from our garden in the backyard!

Splashin' It Up!

2011-07-17T20:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,
I'm still trying to play a bit of catch up, but we'll eventually get there! This summer has just been plain busy! We've been a little bit off balance because Daddy has had to be out of town a bit. Instead of sitting at home, we've been doing lots of fun activities. Two weeks ago we went to a splashpad in a local town. My favorite part of this place is that it is free! Your brother and sister love it too!

I swear that your sister would live in the water if she could! She's my little fish! I'm signing them both up for swimming lessons very soon, and they can't wait!

We met some of our favorite friends, The Travis', there for a picnic. It was so nice to be in the bright sunshine in this very unpredictable weather.

I'm making a lot of progress on your project, and am hoping to make an "official" announcement later this week. I'll give you a little hint....it is going to be awesome! I'm going to need a bit of help from all of the special needs families out there, but I'm sure that when they find out what this is for they won't mind a bit! I hope that you know how much I love and miss you!

Off We Go

2011-07-13T07:35:00.001-07:00

Dear Carter,

Today we are off to the zoo. It's been a year since we've been there so your brother and sister are pretty excited about the adventure. We are going with Grandma Sherie, and later this afternoon we are meeting one of her friends for an early dinner. Hopefully your brother and sister will behave!

Things have been going OK lately. I somehow managed to get myself on the PTA board for next year as the Health and Safety Commissioner, and since I've NEVER done ANYTHING like this before I've been trying to get all of my ducks in a row (so to speak). I've never pictured myself as the PTA type, but am looking forward to the challenges. I'm hoping that I can do an excellent job for these kids. I really do love the school.

I've also been working on your project. I'm still stumped as to what to call it, but am hopeful that God will show me the proper name in the next few days. Come on God! I need a little inspiration here!

Otherwise we just Keep On Keepin' On around here. I miss you like crazy little guy!

I'm Here

2011-07-10T19:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

It's been another crazy busy week, and once again your blog got a little neglected. I feel OK with it though since most of my creative energy has been focused on a new project I am starting for you (more info on that to come!). I haven't made much headway on it, but I've been in the brainstorming phase. I'm pretty excited about it!

Things have been going well the last few days. I did go through your things this weekend and decided that it was time to give some of your gear to kids who could use it. I obviously kept the things that were your favorites, or were important to me, but I felt as though it was time for the other things which you never really used to move to a new home. I hope that the children who receive them really enjoy them. It made me sad to look through your clothes and I found myself trying to smell a few of my favorites in hopes that I would catch your scent. Of course it had faded. I honestly felt as though you were with me through the whole process, so thank you for comforting me baby boy. I was THRILLED to find your handprint and footprint...I wasn't sure exactly where that was because I had kind of put everything into totes.

I wanted to thank all of our readers for the positive feedback I received from my post about What It's Really Like. I'm so glad that I decided to actually hit the publish button on that one, because there were times when I felt that it might have been too honest. Thank you for your very kind comments and support. I'm hoping that it may be able to help somebody.

I'll be updating again very soon with pictures from our holiday.

Pouting

2011-07-04T17:44:00.001-07:00

Dear Carter,

OK, I have to admit that I've been pouting for the last couple of weeks. I know that you're probably wanting to kick me in the butt right now, but I just can't seem to shake it.

I'm actually a bit ashamed to say what I'm pouting about, but it REALLY has affected me. I think about it all the time, and I feel like I'm actually grieving over it a little bit too.

So here it goes...I'm pouting over the bird eggs.

Here's the thing, I didn't get mad at God when he took you from me. I didn't pout about it. I didn't ask why (although those thoughts definitely do enter my mind at times), and I didn't pout about it.

But the bird eggs? The bird eggs. I am definitely doing all of these things over the bird eggs.

I just don't understand what the whole point of it was. We obviously misinterpreted why these birds layed eggs in our driveway, and I'm just really disappointed. I seriously feel like it was all just one huge kick in the gut.

So there you go baby boy. I'm pouting over the bird eggs, but I'm trying my hardest to just get over it and move on.

Because really, they are just bird eggs.

What It's Really Like

2011-07-01T08:28:00.001-07:00

Have you ever tried to imagine what it's like to lose a child? I can't even count how many times people have told me "I can't even imagine". Of course you can't....why would you want to?

I'll admit it and say that I tried to imagine it A LOT after Carter was born. When you have a medically fragile child, you have to go there. You know that someday it probably will happen and you feel absolutely terrible thinking about it, but you feel like you have to prepare yourself. The ugly truth is that it is NOTHING like what you would imagine.

It's a lot worse.

After Carter was born, Michael's aunt sent us an essay by Emily Perl Kingsley titled "Welcome To Holland". If you aren't familiar with this essay, then you probably don't have a special needs child. You can take a peek at it here: Welcome To Holland.

Basically she talks about how becoming a special needs parent is a lot like planning a trip to beautiful Italy, but when you step off of the plane you realize that you've somehow landed in Holland. At first you're disappointed and uncomfortable in Holland, but as time goes on you learn to love it. These words are so true! Oh how I loved Holland, and I wish to go back there right now!

At the point when my sweet baby Carter took his last breath, I feel like we boarded a plane out of Holland and landed in an unknown area. It's not even fair to give this land a country's name because for the most part it is just plain ugly. The problem with this land is that once you are here, you can never EVER leave. Your passport has been revoked, and you just have to try your best to make a new life in this barren country. A country that NOBODY wants to live in. There is no way that I will ever learn to love it like I did in Holland, but I am sure trying my best to make it a little more beautiful in as many ways as I can.

Child loss is something that just isn't talked about much, and you can't even realize that there is this whole HUGE world of people living here until you're right here with them. It's true that this life after losing a child is different for everyone, but I've felt compelled to share with you what it's really like to live in my world. I'm not doing this to gain any pity, or to make people feel sad when they read it. I'm doing this so that people might have a clearer idea of what it's like to go through something like this...to maybe have a better understanding of how to help a friend who is just starting this journey...or to better prepare a parent who knows that one day they will have to live here too. I have been blessed that almost all of our family and friends have been absolutely wonderful and supportive through our journey so far. We are eternally grateful to them.

First, let me tell you about the ugly parts (there are beautiful parts, and I'll get to those). This is the world where every single moment of every single day I feel as though I literally have a piece of myself missing. It's still amazing to me how missing my baby brings so much pain. It's not just emotional as you would expect, but physical pain as well. I'll go about enjoying my day, and for a few moments I'll forget that I actually live here. That this is my new life.

Then suddenly BAM!

It feels as though somebody has just kicked me in the stomach. I feel the wind leave my lungs, and it literally hurts to even take the next breath because it is another breath I take without my sweet baby in my arms. As bad as these moments sound, I need them. As much as I dread them, I know that the pain is only there because I love him so much. Once they are over, I feel like I can go back to living again. Almost like the breakdowns are a cleansing of sorts.

I always ALWAYS feel as though I am on one giant roller coaster. There are days when I feel like Carter is really close to me. Like things are going to be OK. Like I can actually learn to at least like this land I live in. I always know that the next descent is coming up. I am expecting the deep dark cloud of grief to catch up with me at any moment, and it always does at moments that I don't expect.

I treasure each and every moment that I have with my living family. Mikey and Jovie take away some of the hurt, so when they are at school I feel the empty hole even more strongly. Each reunion with them feels like a great joyous occasion. I appreciate the little things, and I feel sad that it took losing my son to be able to do that. I get annoyed when people complain to me about how their baby kept them up all night, or how their baby never wants to be put down because I long for those moments with Carter.

Everybody who lives here has a different trigger. For most it is babies who resemble their own lost ones. I no longer feel any type of jealousy toward people who have these babies. I feel a tinge of sadness when I am around one, but I can not bring myself to hold or take care of a baby who resembles Carter. I don't think I ever will. So a word of advice to all of you out there who have friends who may be living in this land...It is OK for a baby loss parent to hold your baby if they ask to. Don't ever ask if they will...ask them if they want to. Give them the option to say no. For some of us it feels like cheating, and it's way too hard to be put on the spot like that.

I want people to mention Carter. Not so much his death, but I definitely want to talk about his life. People often think that if they mention him, it will only make us sad. I want to talk about him. He was my son. I am proud of him. I want him to be remembered. I need to remember that he lived. I feel ecstatic when people leave something on his grave, or when they do something in memory of him. This way I know that he has not been forgotten, and that he really did impact this world.

As time goes on, I begin to panic when the memories of him start to fade. I try so SO hard to remember every single tiny insignificant detail about him, and when I start to forget I find myself in a panic. When I can't recall exactly what his skin felt like, or what he smelled like. I had a moment the other day when I realized that I have a patch of his hair packed away among his things and was thrilled that I got to touch it again. Mostly I miss the way his skin felt, or the way his breath smelled.

There are certain days when this land feels simply unbearable. Mostly on dates like his birthday, or the day he went to Heaven. On these days I feel as though nobody should expect much from me...these are the days when I need to feel the reality. I need to push through it to get to the other side. I don't want people calling me and asking me for favors on this day, these are days that are sacred to our family.

Even amongst all of these bad things, there are a lot of things that really are beautiful about living here.

Of course the most beautiful thing is that I now know without a doubt that my baby is completely healed and will never feel pain again. I mean, how can you top anything like that? He is surrounded by many people who love him, and I know that he can still feel the love that we have for him down here.

Carter's death has also given me a much stronger relationship with God. I have a deeper understanding that this life is only a very small part of the big picture. I take so much comfort in knowing that I will be with Carter for much MUCH longer than I will be without him.

I now feel completely different than I did before about many things. I no longer fear death. Of course I don't want to be reckless, but when people mention that they are scared of flying because they might crash, I no longer comprehend that kind of fear. I treasure each and every day of this life because it is a gift of God, but I no longer fear the moment that He decides to take me from this Earth.

Carter's life and death also introduced me to many many wonderful people who I would have never met without him, and has strengthened the bonds between our friends and family. Without them, I don't know if I could live in this world. Seeing how Carter can still make a strong impact on their lives is one of the best things about living here.

It makes it OK.
Most of the time.

Just Give The Bird A Pepsi Already!

2011-06-29T20:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,
Curse you blogger! I had a HUGE post about the aviary written last night, and when I went to publish it last night the whole thing was lost. So, now you get the shortened version.

After the trauma that occurred when we lost Polly and Popcorn's eggs, I wasn't sure if it would be a good idea to go to the Tracy Aviary , but the trip was already planned so off we went.

When we turned a corner, your sister was thrilled to see this crazy peacock.
Apparently he REALLY wanted a Pepsi because he kept bashing his head into the machine over and over again. At one point he even bodyslammed it. It was quite amusing to watch, and I did take some video, but it has to stay under wraps because it is going to be footage in Mikey's summer blockbuster movie appropriately called "Beefcake".
After watching the peacock go crazy, your brother and sister fed some apples to these beautiful birds.
It was a lot of fun to see all of the different kinds of birds.
And I smiled a little when I saw these little babies following their mommy.

Eight Days

2011-06-27T21:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

Oh my goodness! I can't believe that it's really been eight days since I last blogged. Life has been simply CRAZY with making sure that I'm kepping your brother and sister busy. It's no excuse....I feel so guilty when I don't work on your blog. It's one of my ways that I take time out of my day to remember you. Not that I really need to take time out to remember you because you are on my mind every second of every day, but it still feels good to do something for you.

I cleaned up your gravesite today. We took some of our fresh flowers from the backyard and put them in your vase. I hope that you like them!

I've been doing a lot of reading time with Mikey and Jovie lately. We got library cards, and have been going once a week to pick out new books. I always thought that I preferred buying books to keep from the thrift store, but I must admit that I'm now getting hooked on the borrowing. It's really cool to see what types of books interest them, and see their curiosity build. These are some of my favorite parts of being a mommy, and I'm definitely trying to linger on each moment!

Tomorrow I'm taking your brother and sister to the splash pad. This will be the first time we've gone this year. I hope to update tomorrow night with pictures, and also catch up with some of our blog friends.

Goodbye On Father's Day

2011-06-19T18:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

I know that today had to be tough on your daddy. I can't believe that this is his second Father's Day without you. It brings some comfort to know that you are up there spending time with his daddy I'm sure. I hope you guys are having one heck of a party!

We had a bittersweet day today. Our priest, Monsignor Bonnell, gave his last mass this morning. He is retiring and moving to Ohio. It is so tough for us to imagine our church life without him there to shepherd us. I wrote a post about him before: Goodbye. Your Daddy and I attended his retirement party a few weeks ago, and it was really neat to hear all of the stories from people who his teachings have impacted.
The message that he wanted to leave us with is to always ALWAYS do as God would want you to do. Of course this is always the rule we try to live by, but to hear it put so bluntly has made me continue to try and focus on this in my every day life. As he finished his sermon today, he quoted Sir Thomas More by stating "Farewell, my dear child, and pray for me, and I shall for you and all your friends, that we may merrily meet in Heaven."
I'm looking forward to the day that I merrily meet you in Heaven.

Tiny Dancer

2011-06-16T15:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,
Here are some pictures from Jovie's dance recital last week. She did a fantastic job! I love seeing how far she's come since we started dance classes. She started out by showing off her tumbling skills. I didn't get many pictures of that part because I had to be ready for her costume change. Then it was on to her dance.

She's so adorable!! Even big brother Mikey was proud of her. Thank you so much to her teacher, and one of my very favorite friends, Stephanie for turning our girl into a dancing superstar!

Too bad little Jovie is one sick kid today. Hopefully she feels a bit better tomorrow.

The Fire Department

2011-06-15T21:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,
I'm sure that post title might have gotten some attention! I was just uploading some pictures from our trip to the Aviary today (which was planned before the trauma of yesterday), and I realized that I hadn't blogged about a couple of important events yet.
So here we go, prepare for a couple of days of catch up!

During the last week of school, it is tradition for our city's fire department to spray down the students. The weather had been pretty bad that week, but they still went through with it. We were lucky that the weather did warm up a bit for at least that part of the day. Your brother was so cute and would shepherd Jovie through the crowd. Most of the time he was either holding her hand, or had his arm around her. I just love that brotherly love!

They got drenched!!

They kept on running over to me, and then would go back in for another round. All of the kids thought this was the coolest thing ever!

Our weather has been so off and on, that it wasn't until late last week that your brother and sister got to play in the water again. They FINALLY got the hang of the Slip and Slide.

Let the Summer water fun begin!

Polly And Popcorn

2011-06-14T13:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

I am devastated.

I just got home from running errands, and could tell right away that something just wasn't right with Polly and Popcorn. I walked over to their nest with a lump in my throat, and my suspicion was right.

Something had gotten to their eggs while we were gone.

They were running around it frantically chirping at each other, and my heart just broke for them. I know exactly what they are feeling right now even if they are just birds. It was a bad BAD sight. Baby birds no longer living, eggs crushed, one of them in the middle of the road. I was terrified that I might have to clean it up, but they are taking care of things on their own.

I had to lie to your brother and sister. I just was not emotionally prepared for that kind of conversation today, so I avoided it. I'm pretty sure that Mikey realizes the truth, but Jovie is quite angry that the baby birds left without her being able to see them.

I'm in the backyard now watching Mikey and Jovie play in the water, but I can still hear Polly and Popcorn screaming at each other as they clean up the nest. It makes me wonder what kind of lesson God really wanted us to learn from this.

I'm praying for birds today....even if it does sound silly.

The Lost Ones

2011-06-12T19:50:00.001-07:00

Dear Carter,

I was looking through some pictures the other day, and came across a disc that your vision therapist had given me at your viewing. I had only looked through these once, and it was soon after you went to Heaven so I don't think that I really looked at them all that well. When I looked at them this time, I found myself incredibly thankful to her for sharing these. There are so many things about these pictures that I just love. Most of all that it shows different angles of my favorite part of your little face....your cheeks.

You were a techy baby!

Jovie has this one on her magnet board in her room

Oh those cheeks!!

The cheek again!

You were getting so good at grabbing. Look at you go!

It was so good to see new pictures of you.

Love you baby boy.

Keepin On...Even When It's Tough

2011-06-10T19:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

Here is the latest article that I wrote for Daddy's newsletter.

As we took the ninety minute drive up to Timpanogos Park, I couldn’t help but remember that almost exactly one year earlier had been the happiest day of my entire life. Not too many people can pinpoint the exact day on which their life felt absolutely perfect, complete, and fulfilled. But I sure can. One year ago we were driving to this same park with Carter bundled in his car seat. All of our children were with us. Our family was together. Our family was complete. Everything was absolutely perfect.

It was Carter’s first and only birthday, and we had quite the celebration planned. It started with a walk/run event which benefited Operation Smile, an organization that funds cleft lip/palate surgeries in third world countries. It seemed right that we participate in this event since Carter was born with both a cleft lip and palate. One year ago, Carter’s stroller was strapped full of his medical equipment. With the help of some of our railroad family, we navigated his stroller through the one mile path. We walked that mile proudly, but this year was different. I still walked that mile with pride, but it was a different kind. We were participating in this event as a memorial for Carter, not with him. Even though he wasn’t physically there, I was proud to think that our baby boy was indeed smiling down on us.

When we arrived at the park, it was cold. It was bitter cold. A storm had blown through early that morning, and buried the running trail with snow. I was amazed to see that despite the terrible weather, there were at least two hundred people who had come to support this wonderful charity. Over forty of those people were there to represent Team Carter. To say that the running path was treacherous was an understatement. There were parts that were a mix of sharp rocks, ice, and snow. Before the race started, the director announced that the participants would have to walk in some areas. It reminded me of the beginning of Carter’s life when a doctor informed us of what our baby’s life would be like. It was also a treacherous path, so we walked through the tough parts. As the runners lined up at the starting line, there were a lot of complaints about how cold it was and how terrible this run was going to be. Those were soon silenced with the thought that nothing had ever been easy in Carter’s life, so why should this be?

The gun fired and the race was on. The journey to the finish line had begun, and what a hard journey it was. Many of the people found it difficult to breathe in the cold air, much like Carter struggled to breathe through his damaged airway. There were several trips and falls, but each time the runners jumped back up and continued on just like Carter had continued to Keep On Keepin’ On. It seemed as though each runner who crossed the finish line had some sort of injury. Skinned knees and bruises were in abundance, but the runners beamed with pride at what they had accomplished. I’d like to think that at the end of Carter’s race, he beamed with pride at everything that he had accomplished. I know that I did.

Georgie and Gwen

2011-06-09T21:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

Yesterday I wrote about our friend Wendy, and how I was telling her about Operation Smile. Well, her new business venture is what triggered it all.

Check out the super fabulous necklaces that she and her daughter are going to be selling online and in some beach boutiques near their new home. Their family just had to relocate, and this journey has been hard on them. For me it has also been inspiring to see how with a positive attitude they have managed to see the blessings in this move. You can read about their incredible journey here: Georgie and Gwen . Wendy has been somebody who I have leaned on since before you left to go to Heaven, and she has continued to be a rock for me. I appreciate her friendship so SO much and feel blessed to have her in my life. I think that just from reading the intro on her blog, you can see why.

So what does this have to do with you?

Georgie and Gwen have decided that because they love YOU so much, they want to donate $1 to Operation Smile in your name for every necklace purchased. Considering that right now they have these priced at $6 plus shipping and handling, I think this is an amazingly generous gift they are giving in your name. Thank you to our friends, and we wish you the very best of luck with this new venture. We're behind you 100%!

Oh and P.S. Wendy let me know today that she's working on some butterfly necklaces...I can't wait to get my hands on one of those!

Why It's Important To Us

2011-06-08T21:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,
This has been quite the day! It was filled with dentist appointments and Jovie's huge dance recital. Pictures and video of that to come! We are so proud of her!

Lately we have been so SO blessed with people wanting to do things for you. I have been asked at least 3 times in the last few weeks about Operation Smile and how people can get more involved with this wonderful organization. After I was asked again today by my dear friend, Wendy . I realized that I had never really talked about the real reason that I am so attached to such a wonderful charity.

Having a newborn in the NICU and with complex medical issues was much MUCH different than what we had been used to with your brother and sister. It wasn't very often that we would hear somebody say something positive about you (except for your adorable nurses of course). There was a lot of negative...a lot of focus on the things that you couldn't do...on the things that you wouldn't do. Of course we always ALWAYS fought for you, and fought to stay on the positive side of things. We loved YOU for being YOU.
Your Daddy and I had to go to a class to learn about how to take care of your G-Tube. The class was full of several couples most of whom had premature babies who were having trouble with feeding. During that class, one of the moms asked your Daddy if our son was a preemie too. Your Daddy answered no and told her that our baby had a cleft lip and palate which made it hard for him to eat. It was at this point that the nurse teaching the class (whom we had never met before) spoke up and said "and he is the Ca-utest baby EVER!". We were a little surprised because it seemed as though this nurse had visited a lot of babies, but you had made an impression on her. She proceeded to tell us that her daughter was also born with a cleft lip, and she had just completed a mission for Operation Smile.

This was the first time that somebody had given you a compliment without really knowing you.

This was the first time that we began to see that we weren't alone in this part of our journey

This was the first time that the cleft didn't seem so scary, or different

This was the first time that we realized that while we had the option to repair your cleft, there were many people in the world without that option.

This was the beginning of our love for this charity.

Oh how we loved your little cleft, and we were so SO sad to see it go. If I would have known that you were only going to be here for 14 months I'm sure we would have kept it.

Sometimes there are wrong impressions given by a cleft. I remember having it in the first few moments after you were born. My thoughts were "what will people think?", but once I realized that it was a part of you....I hated the thought of your wide smile changing. There are kids all over the world who never even have the option to change their smile to one that is accepted in their culture. Operation Smile gives them that option.
Thank you to the nurse who opened our eyes. She has no idea how much she changed us on that day.

Tomorrow I'm going to share a very exciting project our dear friend Wendy is working on.

I am truly blessed to call her friend.

The Language He Understands

2011-06-06T20:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

We enjoyed our first official day of Summer vacation. After Jovie's dance class we went on a little outing to one of Mikey's favorite places...the Dinosaur Park. We even met the Travis family for a picnic. It was such a nice day, and it felt good to get out of the house.

During the Summer I really wanted your brother and sister to have a lot of fun activities to do. Jovie already has dance class and tumbling, so she is pretty much set. Mikey was a bit more tricky. He is playing T-Ball (which he is loving!), but I still wanted something else for him so I signed him up for a Tae Kwon Do class that is being held by our city recreation department. His first class is tomorrow. At first he didn't seem to excited for it, but I realized that may have been my fault. Here's how the conversation went down...

"Mikey, do you want to do Tae Kwon Do this Summer?"

"No"

I must admit I was a little shocked, so I pressed the issue a little more. "Are you sure?"

"No, I don't want to."

This is when I realized that maybe he wasn't understanding me. "It's like Karate Mikey...you really don't want me to sign you up?"

"Nope"

Still a bit shocked. "Why not?"

"Because I don't know what Karate is"

Me with the lightbulb over my head "It's like Kung Fu"

"AwwwweSome"

Yep, sometimes I have to speak in his language. Wish him luck!

Summertime.....la la la

2011-06-05T18:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

Here we are, back into Summer vacation. I have all of these grand ideas of things that I can do with your brother and sister to keep busy, and I'm hoping that I can keep the motivation to actually stick with my plans. Daddy is going to have a crazy work schedule this year, so we're going to have to make the most of our weekends (bring on the backyard cinema!)

Last year's Summer was kind of a blur for me. It started RIGHT after you passed away. Even through all of the sadness that I felt last year, there was one part that stands out to me because I believe it was where I started my healing.
We took a trip to Montana in early July to visit your Grandma and Grandpa. I'm so glad that we did because your Grandpa joined you in Heaven earlier this year. While we were up there we took a day trip to Glacier National Park...one of the most beautiful places on this Earth.

Here is a picture from our boat on the lake. I kept on thinking over and over again that God created this, so I can't even come close to imagining what Heaven must have been like. It was this thought process that began my difficult journey of accepting that it is OK for you to be in Heaven.While we were on a hike, we spotted these pennies. We love finding them because we know it's your way of saying Hi to us!It's crazy to look at how far we've come since then, and now my outlook is much more positive. We still have so SO far to go, but at least we know we are on the right path.

I have always LOVED Summertime and while last year's was a time that I look back on with a hole in my heart, I'm oh so hopeful that this year will bring much more happiness.So bring on the sunshine, trips to the park, and backyard pools. We could all use a bit of it.

Don't Worry

2011-06-03T09:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

I woke up this morning with you heavy on my mind again. Today is exactly one year since we buried your precious body. This is the last of the "firsts". I also don't feel very well today, so I'm sure that it just adds to the emotion of the day. I was so SO happy when you sent me a message. And trust me baby boy, I got it!!

Jovie was watching a cartoon while I was taking a shower this morning. I was enjoying the warm water falling on my back, when she busted into the bathroom and told me that I HAD to come and see what was on TV RIGHT NOW! She told me that she "claused" it which in her language means that she paused it. I was a bit annoyed because typically she wants to show me a commercial for a toy she wants, or a new show coming on so I told her I'd come when I finished showering. Well, that just started the endless badgering of "are you done yet? are you done yet?".

When I went to see what was on TV, she played this video with the biggest smile on her face.

Only a couple of people would understand the meaning of this song to me. I used to sing you this song practically every.single.day. It was one of the things that would calm you down if you were upset. I know that you couldn't hear me sing very well (thank goodness for you!), but you LOVED to feel the vibrations on my chest. This was OUR song. Normally I would think that this was just a coincidence, but a few weeks ago your Aunt Jenny sent this song to me, and only a couple of days ago my lovely friend Chrissy posted another version of this song on my Facebook wall and wrote: This was meant for you today. Love Polly and Popcorn...Love you more than you will ever know. xoxox To add to it, she had NO IDEA what this song meant to us.

Now I see why we have two little birds on our doorstep singing sweet songs. Thank you baby boy. I love you, and I really do believe that every little thing is going to be alright.

Random Acts Of Carter - Complete!

2011-06-02T17:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

I really need to give credit to the students of Hug High in Nevada. They took this little project that we started for you, and turned it into something huge! Every day they posted more and more good deeds that they did in your name. Here are just a few of my favorites:

Then for their final act they cleaned up the children's library courtyard. Here's what Lila had to say about it:
The kids did a clean up of the children's library for our final Random Act of Carter. They worked hard and got the open courtyard completely clean and useable and planted flowers. The courtyard was full of garbage and stuff and totally unusable ...now it is lovely.

Amazing!

Here's what else she had to say: My students wanted you to know they haven't taken off the bracelets and won't until they've raised $500 for Operation Smile. They have a fundraising plan for the whole summer . They wanted me to tell you they won't give up no matter what. They want to do Carter proud.

Thank you so much to all of the students who participated in this. You helped us in more ways than you can imagine. We LOVE HUG HIGH!!

I'd like to thank everybody else who participated in this as well. I know that there are still a few people working on projects, and that is awesome! I think I'll actually try to keep this up all year. It feels so good doing things to make the world more beautiful, and to remember how beautiful my baby boy was. Thank you!

2011-06-01T21:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,
We are still trying to get our feet back under us after feeling like we got a bit knocked down on Memorial Day. I feel like the sun is coming back out now....we only have one more anniversary to get through on Friday (the day of your funeral). On one hand I am relieved that we've gotten through the first year, but on the other I feel sad that it's really been that long since I've held you.
One thing that your Daddy has been wanting to do since last year is a half marathon in honor of you. I was a little concerned because it was POURING rain all through the night. In fact there was even a bit of snow mixed in at some points. The rain stopped a few minutes before the race started, and started again almost exactly when our last runner crossed the finish line. I'm not exaggerating there, it started pouring as soon as she crossed. We are sure that you had something to do with that.
Your brother and sister did a one mile race, and they were so cute about it. Mikey did his mile in about ten minutes.And Jovie did hers in fourteen. They were both so proud of their medals.Daddy finished strong, and I just know that he was happy to have done this. Way to go Daddy! We are all so proud of you!Here is a picture of a huge puddle the runners had to go through....maybe it's not so much a puddle as it is a lake.I know that my posts have sounded somewhat depressing lately, and I promise that there are going to be some happy ones on the way. I hope to update tomorrow with the finale of The Random Acts Of Carter, so if you have a story that you wanted included please email me.

Angelversary

2011-05-30T17:16:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to take a moment to thank all of our family and friends for making Carter's first angelversary so special. I appreciate all of your little messages, gifts, good thoughts, and prayers. Michael and I were just talking about how lucky we are to have amazing people in our lives. Thank you. It means so much to us.

I am going to do a longer post tomorrow about our day today, because quite honestly I'm heading to bed. Yes, it's only 6:32, but I'm ready.

Our sweet friends, Kathy and Terry, put a memorial in the newspaper for Carter, and I think it pretty much sums up how we feel today. Thank you for doing this you guys...it means SO much to see his sweet little face there!
We stopped by the cemetery three times today, and each time there were more and more decorations. There's no doubt that our little guy was loved (this pic was taken the first time).

Thank you again to EVERYONE. We appreciate you all!

Good night!

The Day Before Kung Fu

2011-05-29T17:54:00.001-07:00

Dear Carter,

We went to see Kung Fu Panda 2 this morning, and it was so SO good. I'm a huge Kung Fu Panda fan anyway, and this movie just put the icing on the cake. There was one particular part that had me in tears and made me think of you, but I don't want to go into too much detail because I don't want to spoil the movie for anybody.

We came home afterward, and I got the wonderful opportunity to participate in a book chat about Angie Smith's book I Will Carry You. It was nice to chat with these ladies, and I feel as though I made a few new blogger friends.

We've been preparing for the day tomorrow. I still can't believe that we will celebrate your first angel day, but am thankful for the way we will be celebrating. Your daddy is running a half-marathon for you, and your brother and sister will be running a kid's mile. I asked them if they would like to wear their Team Carter shirts, or the shirt provided by the race...they didn't even have to think about it before replying that they wanted to wear your shirt. I'm so proud of them.
We're hopeful that the rain goes away for the morning, otherwise it's going to be a very dreary run.

We love you little sweetie pie.

Small Distractions

2011-05-28T20:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

I'm amazed by how just thinking about certain dates affects me so much. I'm not typically a sentimental person when it comes to specific dates, but when I woke up this morning...I remembered almost immediately that this was the day that we made that incredibly hard decision to take you off of the ventilator.

I remember coming home and having to tell your brother and sister what would probably happen...that you were going to live with Jesus.

I remember the way that Mikey reacted when we told him, and it will haunt me until the day that I die.

I remember going shopping for outfits for your brother and sister to wear for the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep pictures.

That day is one of those days that I wish I could completely erase from my memory. I don't feel like anything good came out of it. I'd rather think about the day you died over this day because I knew that you were healed, but I've honestly done rather well today, and I think it's been because of a few small distractions. I am thankful for these to keep my mind off of all of those bad memories.

As I told you before, we have a couple of birds living in our parkway. We were excited to see that the fourth egg was laid this morning. This is a picture of the two eggs, I can't get close enough to see all four now that "Polly" and "Popcorn" are always there to protect them.

This is the left side of our parkway RIGHT next to our driveway. That's the sidewalk right next to "Polly". I'm hoping they can stay safe. We've already had one neighbor come to our door to let us know that we had a sick bird in our yard.
She's not sick!! She's just a good mommy (yay for telephoto lenses)!

I can't help but think that these silly birds are in some way a Random Act Of Carter. You wouldn't think that a couple of birds could bring so much entertainment to a family, but they sure have. Your brother and sister want to name the eggs now that they've named "Polly" and "Popcorn".

Our church mass was said in your name tonight, and the last time this happened it was extremely emotional for us. Since a lot of people were making their First Holy Communion tonight, it made the mass a bit more happy for us. I appreciate that small distraction as well.

Oh baby boy, I can't believe that it's really been almost a year since we've said goodbye.

I miss you.

Random Act Of Carter Thursday Update

2011-05-26T15:50:00.001-07:00

Dear Carter,

Is it just our family, or has May been a crazy busy month?! I keep on trying to do a Random Act Of Carter every single day, and I think that I've done a pretty good job at it. I've made a lot of small donations in honor of you, and I've also tried to be extra nice to people. I had to laugh when one day I tried to let a lady go in front of me at the checkout, and she absolutely refused. She had her hands full and I had a full cart, but she still refused to go ahead of me. I wanted to stop and say to her "can't you see I'm trying to do a Random Act of Carter here?!"

I have heard from a lot of people that they have been doing a LOT of little things to help make the world more beautiful. One of our favorite families, the Travis' set up this very cool jar with your picture on it Each time their kids did something nice,they got to put a fuzzball in it. As you can see, it filled right up! Way to go Travis kids!! We love you guys (and the baby girl not pictured)!

I also heard from you friend Isaac's mommy. You can read up on Isaac by clicking here:

One Day At A Time

Here's what Isaac's Mommy had to say:
Dear Team Carter,

Carter and my sweet boy Isaac remind me everyday to do good things for other people. Because of this journey, I recently started a support network in my area for Moms of special needs kiddos who are medically complex. Not only do we meetup up during the month, but there has been so much more to it. Recently a couple of Moms in the group had surgery or were struggling with their own major health issues and were unable to care for the family. The moms group is also in connection to another awesome program called community meet community. I called the leader of that group and they provided meals for a week for each Mom. Another cool thing is that a sweet boy named Branyan who reminds me of Isaac and Carter was born with a rare disorder. Recently the family heard about a convention in Chicago so that they could learn more about it. This weekend me and several other people donated items to a yard sale so that they could attend this much needed convention. If it wasn't for little miracles like Carter and Isaac I wouldn't know how to do good deeds like this for others. Thank you!

Thank you so much Colleen and Isaac! It's amazing what these kids can do, isn't it?

Need A Random Act Of Carter?

2011-05-25T10:52:00.000-07:00

I'm sure that you've all heard about the devastation in Joplin. I'm praying that God helps these people work through it...I can't even imagine the fear and uncertainty they are feeling right now. Especially since these storms are not finished yet.

I have a friend, Allison, who blogs over at The Story Of Five, and I was especially struck by this picture on her blog.
I've spent a LOT of time in hospitals, and they always feel like a safe place to be. I can't imagine the terror that the patients felt as this tornado ripped through it.

Ironically, Allison's husband was supposed to start his new job at this hospital in July. They are preparing their move to this very town, so this has hit close to home for them. She wanted to do something to help, so she is doing an awesome fundraiser.

Allison is a Thirty One consultant, so she is hosting an online party until the end of the month here: Thirty One Party . ALL profits are being donated to either United Way or a needy family. If you don't know what Thirty One is, they sell ADORABLE bags of all shapes and sizes. They can also be personalized with names. Allison has been a great support to me through the birth of Carter, and the loss of him, so I felt compelled to share. I think this is a great way to help out. Even if you can't purchase something from her party, maybe you could help us spread the word....because maybe, just maybe somebody else you know can help.

Not Acceptable

2011-05-24T19:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,
I was so excited to see this video at the end of Glee tonight. Even though I know that some of the language will cause some controversy, I think that they nailed it.

Kill The Deer

2011-05-24T10:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,
Well, it looks like the rocks RIGHT next to our driveway have become a nest for a nice little Killdeer family.
If you don't know what a Killdeer is, it's quite an amusing bird. They will lay their eggs among rocks, or in a field and then when you get anywhere near the nest...one of them will act like it's wing is broken to lead you away. Some of them had made a nest across the street from us last year, and they were so much fun to watch. I guess now we'll have an even closer look. So far there's only one egg...can you spot it? I just did some research on the Killdeer bird (never thought that I'd EVER make a statement like that), and it looks like they can lay up to four eggs and it could take up to a week. We noticed that the mommy (or daddy...I'm not sure) only came back a couple of times today, but I guess that's normal until all of the eggs are laid. Mikey and Jovie are loving keeping an eye on this egg, but of course are careful to not get too close. This is really a pretty cool thing, and we're excited to watch it all unfold. Hopefully the eggs can stay safe since they are right in the parkway between the road and the sidewalk.

Now to think of names for the mommy and daddy. Sonny and Cher perhaps?

See You Later

2011-05-23T19:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,
What a busy month! I swear, we have something going on every single night and weekend for the next two weeks. I'm really not complaining because I think it's good to keep busy during this rough patch, it's just funny how things keep stacking up.

One of the activities that your brother and sister have been participating in is AYSO Soccer. They had a blast this year, and their last game was on Saturday. I'm not sure what their record was because they don't really keep score, but I'm pretty sure that each team had a good season. Here are a couple of pics from Saturday.

Now we get to move on to Tee-Ball for Mikey. The last two seasons were a complete blur to me because the first season started right as we got to bring you home, and the second was right after you went to Heaven. I'm a little anxious to see how this year goes.
I love you so much baby boy. I had a few short moments of peace today when I just felt totally and completely in love with you without any sadness. I love that feeling, and hope that more moments like those are coming soon. I'm sure they are. Just need to make it through May.

The Random Acts Of Carter Update

2011-05-20T19:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Carter,

Well, your auction ended at a pretty good number. April managed to raise $39 for Operation Smile in memory of you. If you would like to check out her store, you can click here: Pinkebody's Store . She is very talented! Thank you April for all that you do!

Carter, you were at work again today! We found out earlier in the week that Jovie's dance class had the opportunity to perform at a benefit for your hospital. She was ecstatic to dance for you, and she did an amazing job! Her whole class did! I just know that you are proud!

I've been looking at a lot of different blogs about infant loss lately, and I came across this blog earlier this week: Life Rearranged . This site does a different series every month in which they raise money for different charities. This month's just happens to be Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep . We were very blessed to get some fabulous pictures taken of you by this amazing foundation, so I donated to help them reach their goal.

Hug High is continuing their work in your name. They have raised even more money for Operation Smile, and even had a Give A Hug For Carter day. We are amazed by this school. Thank you!!

I'm still missing you terribly, but today wasn't quite as bad. It's probably because I don't have a specific memory tied to this day. I love you my sweet boy, and hope to continue to make you proud!