Thunderbolt

Dear Carter,

Well, it's time to get caught up again.  There has been a lot going on around here which includes some vacation planning (hooray!!), Valentines Day, and of course a girly girl turning six.  Before we could get to all of that, we had to celebrate Jovie's best buddy....Thunderbolt!   As you may have noticed, Thunderbolt celebrates her birthday party about once every three months making her the oldest pony EVER!

 But that little Jovie loves to throw her a party, so we got to baking.

So, what does a little horsey want on it's birthday??

Why, apple pie of course!  Jovie got a couple of these Baby Cakes machines instead of the Easy Bake Oven, and she absolutely LOVES them.  She can make pretzels, cupcakes, and mini pies.  So much fun!

Then after they were finished we had to complete the party with a candle and a Happy Birthday song.  Thunderbolt looked quite pleased.

 Next, we celebrated Valentine's Day.  It started off with some gorgeous roses from your Daddy.  He's such a sweetheart.   He also treated your brother and sister with some cool balloons with prizes inside.  They were thrilled!  Mikey and Jovie had Catechism that night, so while they were there, Daddy and I took a trip to the Deseret Industries, and got some Del Taco on the way home.

Yep, that's how we do Valentine's Day around here!

I sure do miss you my funny valentine.  I hope that you like the way we decorated your grave this year.  I have noticed that Mikey and Jovie have been talking about you more which is good, but it also hurts at times.  I hope you know that these types of holidays just don't feel complete without you, but we do our best to carry on.

How Far We've Come

Dear Carter,

Today has been a rough one, but not as rough as it has been for a lot of other parents out there.  It seems as though lately there have been a lot of our special little friends who are very, VERY sick, and one of them has gone to be with you in Heaven.

I found out earlier today that sweet little Caleb, who you can read about here: A Wink From Heaven , has gone to be with you.  I have followed his story for a long long time, so my heart is broken for his family.  I feel terrible that they have to walk on this journey now too.  I'm definitely lifting them up in prayer.

When I think back to the very begininning of learning to live life without you, it forces me to see how far we've come. I think that for the first couple of weeks we were in complete and utter shock.  I had zero...and I mean NOT ONE inclination that you wouldn't be coming home with us after that surgery.  I always thought that I'd somehow see something like that coming, but God caught me off guard with that one.

At first, I was just kind of numb.  After all, I was used to you having to spend time away from home while you were up at PCMC, but once the realization hit that you weren't coming home this time....it seemed as though it was more than I can handle. 

I remember that at times when the pain would dull, I would suddenly feel my internal clock go off to remind me to start one of your feedings, or to change your diaper, or to give you a medication.  I would wake up every hour like I did while you were here to check your Oximeter....and sometimes I would even think that I could hear it beep, only to see that it was no longer there.  Suddenly it felt as though the wound had been ripped wide open again.  I've moved through that, and now I only feel that way with certain triggers.  And as a side note, as I write this, I actually can hear the Oximeter beep in my head.  And I just imagined myself going through the motions of your feeding routine. Gosh, I miss that.

Now, I feel as though we have finally found our new normal.  It took time to feel comfortable in my own skin.  The only problem is that it's not the normal that I wish I could have....the one where you are here with me. 

It's a good thing that I have faith that we will be together again, otherwise this new normal would be so much harder to accept, and I pray that Caleb's family is blessed with the same faith. So many prayers being sent their way.



Little Birdies

 Dear Carter,

Valentine's Day is coming up quickly, and your big sister is excited because that means that her birthday is just around the corner! 

She had a project today to work on her Valentine's Day Box.  I remember doing this as a kid, but don't remember mine every being all that special....so when Jovie asked if we could make hers more than a box, I agreed.  In all honesty, anything that will keep her busy and entertained right now I am all for!

She decided that she wanted a birdhouse valentine box because she still loves her little birdies even after the loss of Polly and Popcorn's eggs over the Summer.  We made the little house out of a box on the bottom, and a longer piece of cardboard for the top.  Then she did some decorating, and it turned out adorable!!

Little girl is quite proud of it, and can't wait to fill it up with all of her love notes.

Sick And Tired

Dear Carter,

I'm sorry that I've neglected your blog once again.  The good news is that I got Carter's Hope up and looking the way I finally wanted it.  I worked on it a lot over the weekend, and finally feel comfortable with the way it looks and runs.  Hopefully it will continue to grow! 

I've felt a little bit of jealousy these past couple of days.  It seems as though a LOT of people I know are either announcing that they are pregnant, or are having their babies. Don't get me wrong, I am THRILLED for each and every one of them, but at the same time, I am kind of wishing that I could experience that again with you. It takes me back to the last time that I had those moments, and the first time that I got to hold your hand.

Awwwwww, it is an adorable hand though, isn't it??  Especially with your long fingers.  I wish that I could somehow transport myself back to that time and feel that tiny hand wrapped around my finger again, but all I have are the memories of those moments.

Anyway, back to what we've been up to. We didn't do a whole lot for the Supebowl...just made some yummy food and hung out at home.  I haven't been feeling very well these last couple of weeks.  I mostly just feel like I have a head cold that doesn't want to leave.  If I don't start feeling better soon, I may have to just bite the bullet and go see a doctor.  I am feeling an improvement over yesterday, so hopefully I'm on the mend now.

We have a very important event coming up....your big sister is turning six!  I can't believe it.  It seems as though it's been made even more real over the last couple of days with finding her first loose tooth.  The baby girl is growing up!  No more of the finger sucking days!

I miss you my little sweetie, and feel the weight of your upcoming birthday.  I still find it hard to believe that you would be three!

Always On My Mind

Dear Carter,

It seems as though I'm not the only one who has had you on my mind lately.  The other day your sister came home with some writing on her arm.  I was just about to tell her that we don't write on ourselves when I noticed that it read "Carter McMerrick". 

I felt the air leave my lungs and felt the sadness creep its way into me, but it was soon replaced by pride.  That little girl is so proud to be your sister, and she misses you as much as I do.  We can't help it!

As I told you before, Mikey is very into making Powerpoint presentations right now.  Well, he told your Daddy and I that he had made one as a surprise for us.  When he showed it to us the tears started to fall.  It started out with a slide that read "Carter's Hope"...then went to one that said something like "Team Carter Rocks!"...then to another that read "He is in the sky".  This was his way of showing how much he loves you which is a big step for Mikey.  He really is a closed book when it comes to you.  He asked me today if we were going to the Operation Smile run this year.  I told him that I wasn't sure because I couldn't get in touch with the race coordinator from last year.....that's when he told me that he thinks we should just do one of our own which is something that your Daddy and I have been talking about.  Now we just need to make it happen!

We had your brother and sister's parent teacher conferences this week, and we are very pleased with how well they are doing.  They are growing so fast.  Jovie even got herself a loose tooth this weekend.  It just seems as though it's going way too fast!