Eclipse

Dear Carter,

I'm still trying to play a little catch up here, and I'm blogging!!  Yay!

It's kind of funny the things that will make us all think of you.  A couple of months ago, there was a solar eclipse that everyone was quite excited about.  It was a pretty amazing site to see, and even your brother and sister got in on the action and took a peek through their pinhole papers.

 As we were finishing up, Jovie decided to draw a quick picture of what the sun had looked like.  After she drew it, she decided that it looked just like a C!  Of course, her next sentence was that you would have loved it because it was the first letter of your name.  So she drew this little picture to show you.

You have little wings and everything my sweet boy.  Oh that sister of yours, she has got to be your number one fan!!

why, Why, WHY?

Dear Carter,

I knew this would be hard.  I KNEW IT!

But I told myself that it was time.  It's time to do something with all of these little clothes that you left behind.  I don't want them to sit around in a tote anymore....I just NEED to do something with them.

My idea is to make quilts out of them for your brother and sister, and of course one for Mommy and Daddy too.  I've been making my way through the clothes today, and cutting the squares.  With each article that I drew from the tote, I kept thinking of all of the memories that each one leaves me.  That I miss you so SO much.  That you didn't get to wear all of these clothes nearly as much as you should have.

I just kept on chugging through, until I came across "THE" headband.  The one that you "ALWAYS" wore.  The one that has somehow made Under Armour our family's favorite line of clothing because it has become one of our many symbols of you.

My first instinct was to put it up against my nose to see if I could still smell your sweet scent.  It was very rarely that I washed that sweaty old headband because your hearing aid had to be rewired through it.

I was still shocked when I came across the sweet scent of you.

This is when I suddenly felt that sadness and anger bubble up inside of me. Right now as this moment I just want to know why.  Why am I having to go through all of your clothes to make a quilt, when I should be giving you a bath?? Mommies aren't supposed to make memory quilts of their babies....they are supposed to make memory quilts FOR their babies.  Why do I have to listen to your brother's and sister's memories of you instead of hear them playing with you??  Why were you taken from us after only fourteen months when we loved every single piece of you for who you are.  why, Why, WHY?  What did we do wrong??

I promise that I'm going to get rid of this poor me attitude, but for right now at this moment it is overflowing inside of me.  I just plain miss you baby.  I don't want to have to smell you on a piece of fabric....I want to walk right up to you and kiss your sweet cheek. I want to wail and scream at God....WHY?!?!

Your buddy, Junior, made us this tubie buddy a few months back, and I felt that "THE" headband certainly belonged on him.  I love you my little sweetie.  Perhaps you can visit me in my dreams tonight.

Papa Made It!

Dear Carter,

A couple of months ago, your Papa finally hit a huge milestone.  He was finally able to retire!!

We through a retirement bash for him where I was lucky enough to get one of my all time favorite pictures of me and my Daddy.

 All of his friends came, and we are so proud of Grandpa.  We can't wait until Grandma gets to join him (soon!).   We love you Grandpa, thank you for working so hard for our family for all of those years!

Camping!

Dear Carter,

We finally got ourselves a tent trailer.  We've been wanting to join the camping world for quite awhile, and found the perfect trailer for us on your birthday of all days!!

About two months ago we took it out on our very first camping trip to Willard Bay.  It's just a short distance from where we live, so we thought it would be the perfect opportunity to test everything out on the trailer before we went further from home.

Luckily, everything went smoothly so it was the perfect opportunity for us to get some quality family time in.  Your brother and sister started out by taking a million bike rides around the campground.

We took a walk down to the lake, and hung out by the campfire.  It was a quick one-night trip, but it was a blast!  Can't wait to have more trips i

Dreaming Of You

Dear Carter,

I've been wishing for this for over two years, and it finally happened.

Last night I had a very VERY vivid dream of you.

For some reason you had come back to us from Heaven, and I was holding you and telling whoever was listening that I was never EVER letting go of you again.  You looked at me and smiled, and I kissed that little spot on your cheek that I loved so much.  I've had dreams before where family members are telling me that you had come back, but I've never actually seen you before. Just a lot of runnning around trying to find you.

Sigh.

I woke up a few moments later.

I will cling to the memory of this dream for as long as I can.  I could actually feel the softness of your cheek, and smell your sweet scent.  Just thinking about it brings back that sense of calmness, but at the same time it feels as though my heart is ripping open.  Every time I feel like that pain is creeping in, I remind myself that in only 50-60 years I will be holding you again, and I won't have to let you go.

Thank you God for blessing me with this sweet reminder of the things I miss most about my boy.