Better....Really? Yes!

Dear Carter,

I have a bit of a confession to make, and I've got to be completely honest...

lately I have been feeling like a great big giant failure.

There are some things that have happened recently which have made me come to realize that I have been slacking a bit in life. I haven't been a very good blogger which is not acceptable because this really is my only form of journaling...I haven't been keeping in touch with some of my friends which is just sad because they are important to me...I haven't kept promises that I have made...I haven't even been going to church which is completely terrible because it affects my relationship with God.

I can try to sit here and say that it's all because I miss you so much, but honestly that is just no excuse. God has given me this life as a gift, and I need to live it, and enjoy it, and make the most of it even with my broken heart. I have to "Keep On Keepin On" for your brother and sister and daddy. They deserve so much better, and I am telling you that I am promising to be better.

I want to be a better wife, a better mommy, and a better "Carter's Mommy". I want to be a better daughter, granddaughter, and friend.

I need to be a better child of God.

So, this is my proclamation of sorts that I AM going to do better. Because you are worth it my sweet boy, and I love you so very much.

Hope Again

Dear Carter,
Lately I have had quite a hard time with missing you. Even though I know...I KNOW that we did the absolute right thing in letting you go to Heaven, it's still hard to not feel that it would be so much better for us if you were here with us right now. You going to Heaven was the absolute best thing for you, but it has to be the absolute worst thing here. I praise God for giving us the strength to make that decision, and now I am praying to him to make me feel the peace with it again. I was there before, and I know it will come again...I just have to be patient.

We have several plants from your funeral, and I'll be the first to admit that I'm not very good with houseplants. Several of the plants haven't quite made it over the last 17 months (really, is that how long it's been since I held you last?!), but there are still five or six that are doing well. I was sad that none of my Peace Lillies had bloomed since the original blooms had died. I have been trying my hardest to nurture these babies because I really REALLY just wanted to see them bloom again. I've done research....moved them to different parts of the house...done growth dances (ok, maybe not that part), but I feel like I've done everything I can to get these plants to bloom with no avail.

I was absolutely thrilled (and I mean it!!) when I noticed this on one of your plants yesterday. I swear it seems like it came out of no where! I didn't even see it coming! It just put everything into perspective for me again. When we started out this journey of losing you, I really did have a lot of hope and peace which could easily be symbolized by the bloom, but over time those started to die away flower by flower. Maybe God and I are working hard to try to nurture my peace back to health. Maybe we are trying to look at things from different angles and doing growth dances (ha ha, yeah I really put that in there again), and just hoping for some spark to appear again. Maybe in time it will, and maybe it already has...I just haven't quite noticed it yet.

This was something that I really needed...a gentle reminder that I really can have hope and peace again.

The Day Rudolph Attacked

Dear Carter,

I went to another DoTerra Party tonight...I really am liking the essential oils and wish that they were around while you were here because I believe they could have made you a bit more comfortable, but that's a whole other post.

Anyway, toward the end of the party, I got a phone call from your Daddy. He normally texts me when I'm at something like this, so I knew that something must be wrong. I slipped out and answered my phone. Here's how the conversation went...

Daddy: "where are the tweezers?"

I immediately go through all of the possible reasons why he might need tweezers, but I would have NEVER guessed it.

Me: "on the right side drawer of the bathroom vanity (immediately follows the big question)...why?!"

Daddy: "Mikey has a tiny bell stuck in his ear"

Me: "What?!" believing that I had to have heard him wrong

Daddy: "Mikey has Rudolph's bell in his ear...I think he might have to go to the emergency room"

Me: "I'm on my way"

Grandma and I left right away (we were only about a mile away), all the while wondering if DoTerra actually sells an oil for "ringing in the ears". When we were about halfway home, Daddy called me back to say that he got the bell out.

So, here's the story.

Mikey was in your room watching TV when he noticed that a tiny bell (really, it was SO tiny) had fallen off of a Rudolph decoration that we had for your tree. He took it into the living room to show Daddy, and Daddy told him to put it on the counter. Well, I'm not exactly sure what happened here, but Mikey's story goes that he was just "trying" to listen to the bell, and he dropped it in his ear at which point he panicked and tried for the next ten minutes to get it out (while probably making it even worse) until he finally resigned and asked Daddy for help.

It was shoved in so far that Daddy could only see the very tip of it where the string had been holding it to Rudolph.

Daddy got it out using a dental pick (did you just cringe, because I did). Crisis averted. No trip to the Emergency Room needed.

But your poor, poor brother. When he got on the phone with me to tell me he was OK, he just burst into tears. THEN he greeted me with a big hug and a much needed cuddle. Daddy saved the day, but Mommy got to reap the benefits.

And it's possible that after this entire traumatic experience, he's sleeping peacefully next to me right now.

And I don't mind one bit.

Never, EVER a dull moment.

Oh How I Love

Dear Carter,

Whenever I see this picture, I think of it as you checking out your Fantasy Football team. Ha! Really, you were watching a little movie, but still the Fantasy Football reference doesn't seem like too much of a stretch in this family.

Oh how I love this time of year. It helps me so much with the missing you. Your Daddy and I have always had a bit of an obsession with football, and now we can see it starting to rub off on your brother a little...although football hasn't surpassed the video games in his world, but we're making progress.

For the last two weekends, we've spent most of our time at home watching football, eating yummy food, and just being together. Today our friend, Mike, even came over to watch a little bit with us and it was a blast! Just like how it used to be when Daddy and I first got married. I'm thankful that the season started when it did, and that it's been a good distraction for us.

I was wanting to get your Carter's Hope website up and running for tomorrow, but it's still not going to be ready. I've had some major issues with setting up the hosting and such and it looks like they're finally fixed, but they won't take affect for up to 48 hours. I'm anxious to get this baby rolling, so I'm hoping that this is the last snag I run into.

I love you so much sweetie pie!

It's Coming!

Dear Carter,

I'm beyond excited! I ran into a little snag while I was getting the Carter's Hope website up and running, and it's finally ready to go! Wahoo! Baby boy, you're about to make another huge difference in the world! I love you so much, and am looking forward to see where this leads. I'm hopeful that we will find new ways to offer support to special needs parents out there!

The website is going to kick off on Monday, and after it gets going, we'll be doing a few giveaways to help us spread the word. It's going to be fun!! To all of the special needs parents out there, we would love Love LOVE it if you would share your stories on the website, or offer any other ways that you think we could help. Please feel free to email me!

We have a bunch of other stuff going on too! Your second annual Operation Smile auction is happening at the beginning of October. If any of our readers have handmade items to donate, we would love to hear from you! There will be more info on the auction coming later this week.

Things around here have been quite busy. Daddy has been working a lot just trying to get himself used to his new area. He's getting the hang of it!

Jovie is just loving Kindergarten. She hurries home to do her homework, and usually finishes it all on the very first night. The Beefcake got into a little trouble this week when he literally ate her homework. Luckily, her teacher was very understanding.

Mikey is just plain growing up. It kills me the way he walks around with his hands in his pockets like he's a grown man. Second grade has been fun for him so far, and he's loving having so many friends in his class.

I've been doing a lot of "Mommy" stuff lately. For some reason I've been on an organization/meal planning kick. It's out of my typical realm, but it feels good to get some of these projects done. It just makes me feel good. I feel like it's a good use of my time.

I've been missing you a lot lately, but it's not hurting as much for right now. Probably because I've been so busy working on your tree and your website. I've been visiting your grave a lot more, and keeping it cleaned up and decorated. Look for some new Fall decorations coming this week!