Montana

Dear Carter,

 

I'm going a little backwards here on my journaling, so bear with me while I catch up ..... yet again!

 

In August, we took a trip to Montana to visit Grandma Mary and Aunt Patti.  We started out early in the morning, and were lucky enough to catch this sunrise somewhere over Idaho.  It made me think of you as always.

 

After our drive, we got there just in time to enjoy a late lunch/early dinner.  I LOVE this picture :)

 Then we took a trip over to Grandma's where Mikey and Jovie had a blast teaching Grandma how to use an iPad.  She loved the Talking Tom app and kept on laughing even harder every time the cat repeated what she said which caused a big cycle of Grandma chuckling, the cat chuckling, Grandma and the kids chuckling harder, the cat chuckling harder...you get the picture.  I think this is probably the time that your brother and sister will remember most from the trip.

 Your brother and sister also liked playing some chess in the hotel lobby.  So cute!

 The next day we got to go on a little outing with Grandma, Aunt Patti, and Cousins Landyn and Erin.  Your brother and sister thought that is bumpy tree was pretty cool.

 On our last night there, we brought Grandma back to the hotel to watch your brother and sister swim in the pool.  We had such a nice time with our family, and look forward to the day when we get to make the trip again.

I just know that you were there too!

The Hesitation

Dear Carter,

It's been awhile since I wrote, but here I go again on another blogging streak.  Once I stopped working, and the kids' started school, I thought for sure that I would have plenty of time to catch up on all of this kind of stuff...but wouldn't you know it?? My time got filled up with other things. 

The good thing about it is that you would think that it would keep my mind off of you, but instead it seems as though my time has been filled with all things you.  Which has a certain kind of awesomeness to it, and I'm absolutely loving it.  We got some very exciting news about a new project we are taking on for you, but I'm not quite ready to tell you about it until there are some loose ends tied up...let me just say that I'm truly believing that it was no accident that the funding for my job fell through because I am going to be pretty dang busy!

I still need to catch you up on all of the fun things that have been going on around here, but I thought that today I'd just speak my heart.  I am going to be completely honest right now and say that I've been quite worried about this guy right here.

He has had quite a lot of moments of losing his temper ever since he started third grade.  I don't blame the teacher at.all.  I think it's more like the some of the other kids in his class rubbing on his nerves the wrong way, and him not being able to handle it well.

Now, when people think of your brother, I don't want them to think of the kid who freaks out at the drop of the hat.  I want them to see him as the kind young man that I see.  The one who is constantly making sure that his dogs are fed, that his sister is walked to and from the school building, and the one who is always, ALWAYS giving his momma extra hugs when he can tell that she needs them. I want that sweet little boy to shine through, but the truth is....he doesn't always.  He has his faults too.

Lately I've had to have a few talks with him about his temper, and after changing a few things in our routine, we have all noticed a BIG improvement.  I can see that he's working hard to control himself and I'm proud of him for doing so well. BUT when I noticed that he was struggling, I couldn't help but think that it has something to do with all of the things he has had to endure in his young life.Your brother and sister have gone through so much more than any kid should have to.  They have felt the loss of their baby brother, and it has certainly shaped who they are today.  Some of it has probably given them scars that I don't like to think about, but in other ways I think it has made them better people.

I am shown this every day when I drop them off at school.  Without fail, Mikey will shut the car door behind his sister, and take a few steps away before turning around to run back to the car and tell me that he loves me one last time. This is the kind of person that you have shaped him into.  The kind that wants to be sure that the people he loves know it.

While he and I were reading the other day, he stopped in the middle of the page and told me that he really wants to do his own tree for you this year.  So, that's exactly what he's doing.  He and Jovie are no longer doing a combined tree for you, but instead, each is doing a three foot tree.  Mikey's theme is The Grinch, and Jovie's is still birds.  I can't be more proud of your brother and sister right now.  They love you so much cutie pie.

Operation Smile 5K & iPad Raffle

Dear Carter Jay,

Today was one of those really good days when I missed you so much that it hurt, but I knew that you were somehow right there with me.

Today was our third year participating in the Operation Smile 5K.  The very first year that we participated, you were right there with us in your stroller.  It was a blast, and we even took you out for lunch afterward.  I hadn't been back to that one and only restaurant you had been in until today. 

Last year, the race fell on the day before your birthday.  It was freezing, FREEZING, cold, but we still had an amazing turnout with about 40 people from Team Carter.  Here is something I wrote about it for Daddy's work newsletter.
 

As we took the 90-minute drive up to Timpanogos Park, I couldn’t help but remember that almost exactly one year earlier had been the happiest day of my entire life. Not too many people can pinpoint the exact day on which their life felt absolutely perfect, complete and fulfilled. But I sure can. One year ago we were driving to this same park with Carter bundled in his car seat. All of our children were with us. Our family was together. Our family was complete. Everything was absolutely perfect. It was Carter’s first and only birthday,and we had quite the celebration planned. It started with a walk/run event which benefited Operation Smile, an organization that funds cleft lip/palate surgeries in third world countries. It seemed right that we participate in this event since Carter was born with both a cleft lip and palate.

 

One year ago, Carter’s stroller was strapped full of his medical equipment. With the help of some of our railroad family, we navigated his stroller through the one mile path. We walked that mile proudly, but this year was different. I still walked that mile with pride, but it was a different kind. We were participating in this event as a memorial for Carter, not with him. Even though he wasn’t physically there, I was proud to think that our baby boy was indeed smiling down on us.

When we arrived at the park, it was cold. It was bitter cold. A storm had blown through early that morning, and buried the running trail with snow. I was amazed to see that despite the terrible weather, there were at least 200 people who had come to support this wonderful charity. More than 40 of those people were there to represent Team Carter. To say that the running path was treacherous was an understatement. There were parts that were a mix of sharp rocks, ice and snow. Before the race started, the director announced that the participants would have to walk in some areas. It reminded me of the beginning of Carter’s life when a doctor informed us of what our baby’s life would be like. It was also a treacherous path, so we walked through the tough parts. As the
runners lined up at the starting line, there were a lot of complaints about how cold it was and how terrible this run was going to be. Those were soon silenced with the thought that nothing had ever been easy in Carter’s life, so why should this be? The gun fired and the race was on. The journey to the finish line had begun, and what a hard journey it was. Many of the people found it difficult to breathe in the cold air, much like Carter struggled to breathe through his damaged airway.
There were several trips and falls, but each time the runners jumped back up and continued
on, just like Carter had continued to Keep On Keepin’ On. It seemed as though each runner who crossed the finish line had some sort of injury. Skinned knees and bruises were in abundance, but the
runners beamed with pride at what they had accomplished. I’d like to think that at the end of Carter’s race, he beamed with pride at everything that he had accomplished. I know that I did.

So, after the way the weather was last year, the race was moved to September which means that it's been a year and a half since we last did this race.  Since the Fall is such a busy time of year for most families, we didn't have quite as many people there this time which was completely OK with us because we knew that all of them were there with us in spirit. 

Your Daddy and I ran the 5K together this time, and while I know that I held him back, I'm so glad that we got to cross that finish line together.  After all, he is the only one who completely understands the emotions and thoughts that I have every single day when it comes to you. He is the only one who when we finish this race, will know how hard this journey really was. I love him so much.

Next, we got to draw the winner for the iPad 2.  We'd like to congratulate Jackie Heeter on winning, and also thank EVERYONE who purchased tickets.  Team Carter raised a HUGE $1708 to fund all of your trees in The Festival Of Trees this year.  We are absolutely FLOORED by everybody's generosity, and we hope that we make them and you proud.

After the race, we went back to that restaurant that we took you to 2.5 years ago.  It's the first time that we had been back, and while it was hard to walk through those doors without you, it felt good to just remember you.

I hope you know how much we love you and miss you, and also that we do all of this stuff because of you.  I wouldn't have EVER had my eyes opened to such a wonderful charity if it wasn't for you baby boy. Thank you so much for opening up that whole other world for me.  Thank you so much to all of Team Carter for continuing to work in Carter's memory.

Your Beautiful Trees!

Dear Carter,

 

Well, I just got back from a week's trip without your brother and sister.  I missed them soooo much, and couldn't wait to get back home to them.  I'd been looking forward to this trip for a very long time, and now that it's over, I feel like it's time to get into tree making mode.  I've got lots of posts scheduled about the trip and all of the goings-on of our family, but for today I felt like it was appropriate to announce the themes for your trees this year.

 

 

This year we are making TWO trees in memory of you.  For the "Team Carter" tree we decided to enter into the large tree category for the very first time.  This means that not only do we have to decorate a larger tree, but we also have a larger area under the tree to work with.  It took us a little bit of time to come up with a theme, but I think that we've finally nailed it (even though Daddy came up with this name last year!).  Before I give away the theme, I have to say that we got this HUGE box in the mail today that was donated to us by Under Armour.  We have been loving the Under Armour stuff because it is something that reminds us of you. Remember, you used to wear your Under Armour headband to hold your hearing aid in place.

I couldn't believe how much stuff was in the box, and feel very humbled by their generosity.  Just look at all of this stuff!!!

 So at first we thought that we could somehow work our way around the Under Armour saying which is Protect This House, but that didn't quite work. So we decided to go with the title

 "Small But Mighty" 

because, well, you were small but mighty in our eyes.  Our theme this year is going to be elves and the North Pole.  I can't wait to show you how we're going to incorporate all of this Under Armour stuff into the tree.  It's going to be amazing!!

Now, your brother and sister decided to step up to a larger five foot tree.  Since we have had so many encounters with birds lately (once again I'm a bad blogger and need to update on this), they have decided to go ahead and do a tree in the theme of birds.  The title of their tree will be:

"Don't Worry About A Thing"

 

They are thinking of doing it in something similar to this:

 I hope that you like our ideas for your trees.  The only thing that matters is that we make you proud with them, and I truly think that we will.  We love you so much our little sweetie, and miss you more than anything.

Team Carter has a lot going on right now.  If you are interested in purchasing tickets for the iPad raffle, you can click on this link right here: iPad Raffle

We will be actually holding the drawing on September 29th at the Operation Smile 5K when a lot of Team Carter will be present.  Thank you so much to those who have already donated...we appreciate your generosity!!

When One Door Closes...

Dear Carter,

Today has just been a no good very bad day.  Plain and simple.

Of course it could be a lot worse, I've been there, but it's still been a no good very bad day.

I was told on Tuesday that there was a possibility that there wouldn't be a job for me at your brother and sister's school this year.  I've been stressing and waiting to hear, and finally got the news today.  There is no job for me.

Although it's because of student numbers vs. funding, I still feel as though I've been fired.  It's like a great big kick in the gut after all of the hard work I've put into that job. My heart is broken because I really REALLY loved that job.  I loved the relationships I've built there, and having somewhere to go and something to do every day. It kept my mind off of the missing you.

Now I'm back at that crossroads, and I'm just not sure which direction God is wanting me to go in.  I am trying hard to keep the mindset that all of this happens for a reason, and that there is a purpose to this....but I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around it.  It's just too soon.  I'll get there quick, I promise.

To add to all of this stress, your Grandpa's dear friend went to Heaven late last week, and then this morning your Grandma and Grandpa's doggie, Sadie, joined you as well.  Please keep Grandma and Grandpa close to you right now. They need lots of love.

The good news is that I will be around a lot more to work on all of your stuff.  I love you so much my little sweetie....just waiting for the sun to shine again.