Here It Comes

Dear Carter,

The last two days have been terrible for me.  Just simply terrible.

There have been a few specific things that have certainly helped to make my days more terrible, but nothing that would normally push me down this far. 

I've been wondering what exactly is my problem??  Sure, I haven't slept that much.  Sure, it's been pretty busy at work with this testing I've had to administer.  There's been a few other things happen, but really.....what is it??

So I did a bunch of thinking, and soul searching, and I think I figured it out.

That day is coming.

Sure it's only two months away, but it's coming.

Your third birthday is coming. 

I've come to realize that without even thinking about it....it's like my body knows that the first of the year is "YOUR" time of year. This is the time of year when you were born, and not too long after that is when you left us.  This was the hardest time of the year for me last year, and it appears that it's the same again this year. 

I just miss.you.so.much.

I miss your little laugh.
I miss the way you would swing your leg and hip back and forth to roll yourself over.
I miss the way you'd make all kinds of racket with your bead bar.
I miss the way you would look at me like "I'm doing it momma!" when you would drink your bottle.
I miss the way you would give that special smile to your Daddy, and nobody else.
I miss giving you baths, and changing your clothes, and changing your diapers, and hooking up your G-Tube, and changing your tender grips, and suctioning your nose and mouth, and the huge delicate dance all of those things took.

I miss all of it.  All of the scheduling of appointments, and welcoming the therapists into our home, and learning all of the different ways to help you learn new skills.  I loved living in the world where you were, and now I still love this world, but it isn't the same.  It never will be.

And that's OK.

It really is OK because I KNOW that you are someplace where you can run and play without the wires and the tubes.

It just seems a little less OK during this time of year.
But I know that the days of feeling more OK are just around the corner (so no panicked calls from my friends, ok?).

Love you Little Guy!

Are You Related?

Dear Carter Jay,

I was going through some pictures the other day, and came across this one of your brother.

It reminded me so much of one of my very favorite pictures of you!

I can't get over how much you guys look alike!    You had so many of your cute little differences, that it's kind of cool to see you two looking so similar here.  I think the smile he is giving is also a lot like one that you gave a lot!

We had a good weekend, but it ended pretty sour.  Your sister got the stomach bug....and she got it bad!  She is doing much better now, but I was pretty worried about her there for a little while.  Your brother was so concerned and kept on coming upstairs to check on her. At one point he told me that he was saying the Hail Mary prayer for her, and he hoped that God would help her.  What a sweetie!  So far nobody else has gotten the bug, but I know how these things work and don't think we are completely out of the woods yet.

Although the weekend ended yucky, we did accomplish a lot on your room.  I think it's almost ready to reveal!  I must say that it feels even more like your room now than it did when you were here.  Maybe that's because it seems to be covered with you right now, and while you were here, you only came in here a handful of times because your Oxygen just didn't reach easily.

I am pleased with the way that Carter's Hope has started, but we could definitely DEFINITELY use some more Stories Of Hope to share.  I am planning on doing a big giveaway sometime in the next couple of weeks to officially kick it off.  I'm so excited about it!

I have emailed the Race Director for the Operation Smile race, but haven't heard back from him quite yet.  When I do, I'll post the info.

I love you so much little sweetie pie!

Has It Really??

Dear Carter,

Has it really been this long since I last updated your blog??

It seems as though time is just flying by these last couple of weeks.  It's mostly because I've been very busy at work, and then this weekend we decided to give your room another make-over.  I'm going to reveal it very soon!

Things have been going ok.  Just a lot, Lot, LOT of missing you.  I have been having a hard time sleeping again....my mind has just been racing with memories of you.  For some reason it just barely occurred to me that you would have been THREE years this old this year.  I simply can't even comprehend this.  It doesn't seem possible that it has almost been two years since I last held you and kiss your sweet cheeks.  Even with all of these feelings, I have felt my faith grow even more recently, and have definitely found myself growing more comfortable with our new priest.  I do think that he has a good message to spread.

Not much else has been going on around here...I did a little spiffing up of Carter's Hope, and I like the way it's coming along.  I do have quite a bit more work to do, but as Colin's mommy told me..."slow and steady".  I have a very good feeling about where it's going, and I'm not going to give up!

We had a snow storm, and the whole family participated in making your very own snowman.  He sure was cute while he lasted!  Too bad there isn't much left of him now.  At least we got a cute picture!

I love you so much my little sweetie....so much it hurts, BUT I know that with every single breath I take....it is one breath closer to you.  I love you.

Memory Candles

Dear Carter,

Earlier this year, we were surprised with a fabulous gift on our front door step.  It is a light that says "Lit in Memory Of Carter".  Since we received it, it seems as though we ALWAYS have that thing lit.  I'm not sure why, but having a candle lit for you has always made us feel as though you are here with us.

We decided that we really wanted to give something like this to our family members, so that you would always have a candle lit somewhere.  We gave two of these bigger blocks to your Grandmas and Grandpa, and then we made some smaller candles holders for your aunts and uncles.  I am so pleased with how they turned out.

They were super easy to make too!  I just printed off the saying on a piece of vellum.  I found some adorable star vellum paper at Hobby Lobby along with these craft blocks.  Since I am seriously challenged when it comes to mod podge (and I know it's tough to use on vellum anyway), I used spray adhesive and it worked perfectly!  Next, Daddy got these candle flicker lights at Lowe's which we just stuck up through the hole in the bottom.  Now, we just have to flip a switch to get your candle going!

For the smaller candles, I printed off the same saying and wrapped it around a glass candle holder.  Then I put one of those flicker tea lights in there.  They turned out adorable, but I didn't get a picture  before I gave them all out. Everybody was very excited to get these, so I'm glad that we were able to give them out.  I hope you can feel the love that everybody has for you!

HAVE FAITH

Dear Carter,

I've been a Detroit Lions fan for my entire life.  It has something to do with your Grandma always liking them while I was growing up, and also being from Michigan....but whatever the reason, I have definitely "bled Honolulu blue" for as long as I can remember.

Being a Detroit Lions fan is hard.

It's really hard.

Especially when you live in Utah where there aren't too many of us.

A few seasons ago, they were the first team to go 0-16 in NFL history.  We have not been good AT ALL for a LONG time.  We've never even been to a Super Bowl.  So when we made it into the playoffs this year, I was more than ecstatic. At least we made it to the playoffs....at least we're improving.... at least we made it this far!

We were dubbed the major underdogs, but I still believed that we had a chance.  I still thought that we might beat those pesky Saints and head to Green Bay. 
\
Last night as your Daddy and I watched the game, I sat on the edge of my seat, and in the beginning it actually looked like we had a chance.  This was about the time that your great-aunt sent me a text telling me that they were looking good.  We chatted back and forth for a minute, and after I made a comment that I hoped they kept it up, she sent me back a two-word message which struck a chord with me.

HAVE FAITH.

At that moment I felt the tears coming.  I felt like this message was meant for me in more ways than just football. It was as if I suddenly had a "Faith Refill" of sorts.

You see baby boy, it's not that I have never had faith, or that I've somehow lost my faith.....it's more like at times I FORGET that I have it.  I get frustrated at some of the emotions I feel.

I feel like a lot of the things I do with your blog, or with Carter's Hope, or even our work with Operation Smile aren't going to work out, or that they're going to fail.  I need to have more Faith that God called me to do these things for a reason.  This has been proven to me just over the last weekend when I had a few more stories submitted for Carter's Hope that are from people that I don't even know.

I feel like when I get really sad and depressed about you being gone, it's because maybe I simply don't have enough faith.  I know in my heart that this isn't necessarily true because I am human. I'm going to be sad for you....you are my baby, but these are just some of the thoughts that go through my head at times.  I need to HAVE FAITH.

And even though my team ended up losing, I still have the faith.  I have it for them in the years to come, and I have had it "refilled" in my own life just because of those two words that were texted to me.

Thank you Darlin'