July 31, 2010
One of the things that your life and death have taught me is that I really need to take time to appreciate the little things. When you were alive, I appreciated every moment that I got to hold you.... every new thing that you did...and every day that we got to spend together. There were several times when I would hold you in the middle of the night, and try my hardest to imprint how you felt and what you smelled like in my mind. I would thank God that you were my son, and pray that you would be here with me forever. I can remember several times when I would literally cry at the thought of you leaving.... because I always knew that it would probably happen at some point in my life, but never EVER thought it would be after only 14 months.
Now that you have grown your wings, I take comfort in appreciating the little things that remind me of you. As you know, I am always on the lookout for butterflies and pennies, but there are other little reminders too. Soon after your passing, a dear friend of mine told me that she was listening to the thunder and thinking about you, my sweet boy, playing the drums up in Heaven. She told me that there was definitely a party up there because she could hear it.
Tonight we are having a Summer rainstorm, and I can hear you playing away. Mikey asked me if the rain drops were your tears. I told him that if they were your tears, they were happy ones. So, play away my little one, play away! We're listening!
July 29, 2010
July 27, 2010
My amazing friend, April a.k.a. Pinkebody, is going to be doing a fundraiser in honor of Carter Jay.
Basically, in September, she will be holding a fundraiser on her Hyenacart shop to raise money for Operation Smile. All money will be donated in honor of Carter. She is currently looking for donations, so if you are interested in donating a handmade item, yarn, or a knitting slot, please contact her here. Remember that it only takes $240 for one operation which will change the recipients life forever.
Yup, that is her handiwork! I never thought that clothes could make that sweet boy any cuter, but what do you know, they sure did!
July 23, 2010
After the 5K run on Saturday, we met up with your Aunt April at the parade. Look at this! We finally got a decent picture of the two of us together....that is unheard of! Notice the butterfly shirt she is wearing just for you! I really wish that you could have been there. Jovie got to ride on one of the floats...she asked me if you'd be able to see her, and I assured her that you were most certainly watching.She threw candy out to Mikey as fast as she could. It was so cute! Afterward, we came home for a quick shower, and went back to the carnival to watch Jovie perform her dance routine. She did an excellent job. We're all so proud of her!
You can use this link to sign up if you are interested:
Thank you so much to everyone for their kind comments, continuing love, and support. We appreciate everything so very much!
July 21, 2010
I keep a folder of your videos on my computer, and whenever I start to feel like the pain in my heart is too unbearable, I watch them. I watch you move, and smile, and talk to me. It takes some of the pain from my heart, and moves it into my arms...and my lips because I want nothing more than to hold and kiss you again. Only a few moments into the first video, I start to feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. They are letting me know that the pain is still there....and that the love is still there. Not that I ever doubt it, but it's good to just feel it sometimes.
Every single day I kiss your picture good morning and good night. I rub my finger along your cheek and try to imagine what your skin felt like, and what you smelled like. Some days it seems like I can actually feel you and smell you, and others I fear that I have already forgotten. I want so badly to dream of you at night....to have those few moments of feeling close to you again, but I always wake up disappointed. Maybe one day I'll dream of you....hopefully one day soon.
People ask how we are doing all the time. The only answer I can give is OK. After all, we're pushing through as best we can, but we are certainly not doing well. I often wonder if we'll ever be well again....if there will ever come a day that I can just look at one of your pictures and just be happy that we had time together. It has been a blessing that your brother and sister are home during the Summer because they are what keeps us going.
I just wanted to let you know that I haven't forgotten about you. I think about you all day long. I miss you every second of every day, and the idea that I won't see you or touch you in this lifetime is almost unbearable. Even though this is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, and hopefully will ever go through, I am so very thankful that you chose me to be your mommy. It was an honor to be the one to bring you into this world. Thank you.
July 20, 2010
July 19, 2010
We had a busy week last week. Daddy took Mikey and Jovie fishing at the pond. They didn't catch a fish, but they certainly caught a lot of weeds. In the middle of the week, we took another trip to the Dinosaur Park with our friends, the Travis' . While on our walk, we found you giving us a quick Hello.
It was a beautiful day, and we topped it off with lunch at Burger King (your brother's favorite place).
Still missing you like crazy. I can't believe that it's already been almost two months since I've held you last.
July 18, 2010
We had always planned on taking a vacation in July to Jackson Hole. We were going to get several Oxygen tanks and take you on your very first trip. As you know, things just didn't work out that way. We decided that we know longer wanted to go to Jackson Hole if we couldn't take you, so we went to Montana to visit your Great-Grandma and Great-Grandpa. We spent the first day visiting with your grandparents, and it was so very nice to see them. They look so good, and how we wish that you would have had the chance to meet them. We also visited with Daddy's Aunt Patti, cousin Erin, and cousin Landyn. It's always good to reconnect with family.
On our second day there, we took a trip up to Glacier National Park. Baby boy, I don't know what Heaven is like, but my guess is it looks something like this park. The scenery was so peaceful, and calming. I felt so close to you while we were there. We spotted butterflies everywhere!
It was time to come home after a short visit. I have to be honest in saying that I wasn't quite ready to. It was nice to be away for a little while.
I still miss you like crazy. That's most definitely the hardest part....the missing you. I know that you are being taken care of, and faithful that I will see you again, but that does not help the need in my heart...the need to kiss your little cheek. It was, after all, my favorite thing to do while we were snuggling.
July 12, 2010
We tried to make the best of the Fourth Of July since you weren't here to celebrate with us. This one was the hardest holiday for me yet, and I think it's because last year it was your first holiday home with us. We started off with the Clearfield City 5k which was all for you baby boy! Everyone ran and walked hard for you little man!
Afterward we went to the Clearfield Parade. Your poor big sister wasn't feeling too well, but she still put on a good attitude and enjoyed scooping up the candy.
When we got home, it was time to prepare for the BBQ. Mikey enjoyed the swimming pool, while Jovie took a nap. We had a bunch of our friends and family over. Daddy used his new smoker and made us all some amazing food. It was by far the tastiest BBQ we've ever had. Then it was time for fireworks. Jovie still wasn't feeling too good, so she came out and layed on her blanket during the show. Daddy lit a few in honor of you, and we knew that you could see them.
July 11, 2010
July 2, 2010
When Michael did this race a few years ago, they had a two mile walk as well.....but they no longer do that. I know that there were quite a few people who were planning on walking this, so I'm really sorry. You could still walk the 5k if you would like, but there will be other races that we do that include a walk. There is no doubt in my mind that some of you could walk this race faster than I'll run it. Ha!
The race is on July 17th. The entrants are supposed to be at the Civic Center City Park (1500 W 2300 N in Clinton) at 6:00 AM. The race begins at 6:30 AM. You can pre-register at the Clinton City Recreation Department for a fee of $15 which includes a shirt. If you decide to register the day of the race the fee goes up to $25 and you aren't guaranteed a shirt. I know that some of you who were planning on doing this live kind of far from Clinton, so I do think that you will probably be able to register over the phone at this number: 801-614-0780.... if not, let me know so I can try to help out :)
We will be attending the parade afterwards at 9:30 am. Jovie is going to be on one of the floats for her dance group.
Team Carter will also be doing the 5K run for Clearfield City tomorrow.
Thank you for all of your support! We hope to see you there!