July 21, 2010

Missing You

Dear Carter,
I keep a folder of your videos on my computer, and whenever I start to feel like the pain in my heart is too unbearable, I watch them. I watch you move, and smile, and talk to me. It takes some of the pain from my heart, and moves it into my arms...and my lips because I want nothing more than to hold and kiss you again. Only a few moments into the first video, I start to feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. They are letting me know that the pain is still there....and that the love is still there. Not that I ever doubt it, but it's good to just feel it sometimes.

Every single day I kiss your picture good morning and good night. I rub my finger along your cheek and try to imagine what your skin felt like, and what you smelled like. Some days it seems like I can actually feel you and smell you, and others I fear that I have already forgotten. I want so badly to dream of you at night....to have those few moments of feeling close to you again, but I always wake up disappointed. Maybe one day I'll dream of you....hopefully one day soon.

People ask how we are doing all the time. The only answer I can give is OK. After all, we're pushing through as best we can, but we are certainly not doing well. I often wonder if we'll ever be well again....if there will ever come a day that I can just look at one of your pictures and just be happy that we had time together. It has been a blessing that your brother and sister are home during the Summer because they are what keeps us going.

I just wanted to let you know that I haven't forgotten about you. I think about you all day long. I miss you every second of every day, and the idea that I won't see you or touch you in this lifetime is almost unbearable. Even though this is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, and hopefully will ever go through, I am so very thankful that you chose me to be your mommy. It was an honor to be the one to bring you into this world. Thank you.

6 comments:

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

My heart breaks reading this. I can't begin to imagine. Pleasr know that I think about you and sweet Carter all the time!

Lacey said...

I think about Carter daily! He will never be forgotten by anyone! I wish I words of wisdom, but all I can say is we love you guys!

Colleen said...

Hugs to you!

Rachael said...

Heather, Thank you for sharing your love and feeling. You know you are not alone although i feel it sometimes too. Thank you for sharing Carter with us. I am here to talk anytime. I know I keep saying that but i don't want you to forget. I think about our babies playing together in heaven all the time. It helps me, maybe you too. I will have to tell you a story about butterflies someday soon. It was amazing and still when I think about it it brings tears to my eyes. Thank you again for being an amazing person. I know Carter is proud.

Kristin said...

Beautiful.

Amber said...

Only a few words in and the tears are spilling out. The ache in my heart immediately returns...I simply can't imagine the gravity of your loss.
Beautiful.
Thank you for giving us even the tiniest glimpse into what this looks like for you.