January 31, 2011
It took a little while for me to get to the next post because our house got infested with the cold bug. Yuck!
After you left I have been much more CAREFUL about your brother and sister. I just have this anxiety that something will happen and they will go to Heaven to join you. It's not something that nags at me all day, every day, but it's definitely something that is there weighing on my mind occasionally.
About a month ago, Daddy pulled into our driveway and decided to let us all out of the car before pulling it into the garage. As I got Jovie out, she dropped a little toy right in front of the back tire. She bent down to pick it up, and although there was NO way Daddy was going to drive forward before he saw that we were clear of the car, it threw me into a bit of a panic attack. I had so many images fly through my mind during that half a second, and it's a feeling that I won't soon forget. I'm not going to be one of those paranoid mothers, but I do find myself checking on your brother and sister much more during the night than I did before.
I just have to be sure that they are breathing.
I've also noticed that people are much more CAREFUL about the things that they will say around our family. Unfortunately sometimes this does much more harm than good for us. I read a quote somewhere (I think it was Elizabeth Edwards?) that read something like "when you mention my child who has gone to Heaven, you aren't reminding me that he died....you are reminding me that you knew he lived". This is so "spot on" that I can't even tell you. I don't like it when people will dance around the subject of you, and find myself mentioning you before they have to.
I don't mind talking about you at all baby boy....it reminds me that if I'm really CAREFUL everybody will remember you, my sweet boy.
January 27, 2011
I had lunch with one of my bestest friends in the whole wide world today, and we discusssed what my "B" post should be. When I left there, I had an idea for a different post, but when I got in my car this song came on the radio.
OK, OK, OK, now before I get bombarded with emails from people who know me well and are pretty sure that I've been taken over by some alien being if I am listening to Christian Rock, I want to say that I promise I haven't lost my mind, and you can feel free to tease me about it as much as you like, BUT it won't change the fact that this song is AWESOME!
When I listen to this song, I think of our first trip to Montana after you left. We were boating on the lake, and this was our view.My thought was...God created this, so what could Heaven possibly be like?
During those last few days with you, I would beg God to keep you here with me. I wanted as much time as possible with you because I love you so much, but I KNEW that in order for you to heal completely...in order for you to get BETTER, you'd have to leave this Earth.
In all honesty, it probably wasn't very fair of me to ask that of God because if I truly believe in His greatness, then I have to accept that life here on Earth is just a very small fraction of the big picture.
He IS that great.
I know that He made you BETTER in every way possible. We have to carry the pain of missing you during our journey on Earth, but you ARE BETTER, and that's all we ever really wanted. We will continue our faith that we will be with you much longer than we will be without you.
and that will make us be and feel a little BETTER.
January 26, 2011
Well, here's my first post in my "alphabet blogging challenge". It's a little harder than you would think to come up with only one word for each letter. After thinking about it throughout the night, I decided that my first post would be titled "Alone".
Ok, so now here's a little secret that I'd like to share...actually, Carter, this is no surprise to you at all, so it's more for the people reading this post.
Ever since you left, I have been terrified of being home alone.
There, it's out there.
Most mommies would relish a little time to themselves during the week, and before you left I would have too! I get a few hours twice a week while Jovie is in preschool, and next year it will be a few hours every day.
I don't look forward to this time AT ALL. In fact, on some days I DREAD it!
Our house is like a forbidden area for me to enter when I am all by myself. When I have been alone in the past, I find that my mind ALWAYS goes back to how much I miss you. It leads to me feeling overwhelmed with my grief. I can't even be alone in the car for too long, or the same thing happens. I have to find something to do....errands to run until it's time to pick up your brother and sister.
Ok, so here's the real truth. I KNOW that I'm never really alone. I try so hard to concentrate on the fact that you are somehow with me....that God is with me too, BUT I ALWAYS long for that physical touch from you (WOW, does that sound sappy, or what?!). I guess that's one fault as a human...we rely on physical feeling so much. Sometimes it's hard for us to remember that there is something there without it being a tangible object.
Anyway, this is my reality for right now. I can NEVER let on to Mikey and Jovie that I rely on their presence so much. They don't need to worry about how their mommy is doing while they're at school. I know that with time it will get a little bit better.....it has to, otherwise I'll never get anything done while Jovie is in school full time. It's just something that I have to continue to work through...
and I will.
January 25, 2011
I've been thinking a lot about what I can do to help me get back on track with my blogging. Ever since you left this Earth, it's just been very hard for me to find something that I really want to write about. It's not that things don't happen around here, it's just that when I sit down to write...my mind seems to go blank.
The thing about blogging is that I really DO enjoy it. I love being able to go back through and read about all of the things that are going on in our lives. I'm especially grateful that I have practically a day by day journal of your ENTIRE life. Someday, when it doesn't sting so much, I'll be able to read through your whole life...about our journey together.
The truth is that although it feels like it, your journey here on Earth hasn't really ended.
We still carry you in our hearts.
We still grieve for you
We still miss you
And of course, we still love you.
This is the tough part of our journey, and although it's hard....it's something that I really SHOULD write about. There REALLY is a beautiful side of this story in which our faith grows stronger, and your brother and sister begin to find their own faith.
I WILL begin to write about this part of the journey.
So, in order to "get the ball rolling" so to speak, I'm stealing an idea from my dear friend, Wendy. She is doing blog posts in alphabetical order over at Greetings From The Lee Family . Wendy is starting a new journey as well, and has decided that it's very important to chronicle it. Tomorrow I'll be starting with the letter "A".
Now to figure out what to write about HA!
Love you my sweetie pie!
Well, our trip to Montana went as smoothly as possible. We hit a few rough weather patches, but luckily we came through them with no problems. Grandpa's funeral was simply beautiful. He was given the veteran's honors which was amazing to watch. Daddy's Aunt Patti and Cousin Renee wrote the obituary, and it was perfect. There was one part that was obviously my favorite...
"Those who have been truly blessed by Jay's love and talent find peace in knowing he is walking in Heaven alongside his beloved son Mike while holding great-grandson Carter Jay in his arms."
I have no doubts that this is what is really happening up there. I'll bet you guys are having quite the party!
I went to your grave yesterday to clean it up a bit. The winter weather had not been too nice to it, so it needed a little work. Jovie, Cousin Justin, and I decorated it for Valentine's Day. We even found a little red monkey to go along with our theme. I hope that you like it.
After all, you are my little valentine.
January 18, 2011
The last couple of days have been very busy trying to get everyone ready for our trip to Montana. Daddy and Mommy are the only ones going, and the grandmas will be taking care of your brother and sister while we're gone. We didn't feel like they were quite ready to attend another funeral...they need a little more time for healing first.
Oh the simplicity of children....when I told Jovie that Grandpa was with you now, she told me that it was so cool because he got to hold you now. I'll bet he's been holding you a lot!
I'll be thinking of you and praying for you a lot during our trip. I'm confident that you're with your Grandpa Mike and Grandpa Jay.....just be sure that you three don't cause too much trouble! We miss you all so much that it hurts, but I keep remembering a saying that I read recently. It said something like "the time that we are away from our loved ones here on Earth is MUCH shorter than the time that we'll be with you in Heaven". It's almost become my mantra, and helps my heart so much.
January 14, 2011
We were so very sad to learn that your Great Grandpa went to be with you this morning. I can't even imagine what the reunion between him and your Grandpa Mike must have been like. I'm sure that they had missed each other very much. Did you know that you got your middle name, Jay, from him? You never got to meet him here, but I have no doubts that you've gotten to know him by now, and I'm sure he's teaching all kinds of neat things.
We are really going to miss you Grandpa. We will miss the way you could take a piece of normal wood and turn it into something incredibly special. We will miss the way that you could ALWAYS find room for dessert after a huge meal. We will miss all of your stories....you had so many life experiences and it was amazing to hear about them. We will miss just being with you since you had such a positive look on life. We will simply miss you. Have fun with our other boys up there, and be sure to look out for Carter. We love you all.
January 12, 2011
I'm trying very hard to update the blog, but every time I sit down to type...my mind just goes blank. We're all doing OK. Back to work and school for everyone. I even got a phone call today about Soccer starting up at the end of March. It seems WAY too cold to even think about Soccer yet!
I've been doing some research to see when the Operation Smile 5K is going to take place, and it's looking like March 26th is the day. I'll keep everyone updated as I find out more info.
Love you baby boy. I hope you know it!
January 4, 2011
Man, am I glad to see 2010 go. It started out all nice and sweet, and then about halfway through turned into the worst year of my life. 2011 had better treat me a little nicer! I'm excited and scared to see what the new year will bring. I know that it will bring a lot of firsts with it....your first birthday that we will celebrate without you, the first anniversary of the day you died. I barely survived the first Christmas without you, so to say that I'm not scared is a complete lie, but this is the path that I must walk now. Although I know that the pain will never go away, I'm hopeful that each step will get a little easier.
On New Years Eve, we kept everything pretty low key. We decided to welcome 2011 by staying at home and playing video games as a family. Our dear friends, The Travis' came over for a quick visit. It was a lot of fun! Daddy took an air horn outside to blow at Midnight which startled Jovie, so it took a little more convincing to get her to blow it.
We have started back into our normal routine after the Christmas vacation. I really miss being able to just hang out with your brother and sister, but I can tell that they were ready to be back at school. They are both learning new things so quickly, and it's fun to watch....especially when they start to ask me questions about God, Jesus, and where you are. I can see their faith growing before my eyes, and I know that you definitely had a part in that. Yet another thing to thank you for!
I love you my little sweetie. Have a Happy New Year!