Alone

Dear Carter,

Well, here's my first post in my "alphabet blogging challenge". It's a little harder than you would think to come up with only one word for each letter. After thinking about it throughout the night, I decided that my first post would be titled "Alone".

Ok, so now here's a little secret that I'd like to share...actually, Carter, this is no surprise to you at all, so it's more for the people reading this post.

*sigh*

Ever since you left, I have been terrified of being home alone.

There, it's out there.

Most mommies would relish a little time to themselves during the week, and before you left I would have too! I get a few hours twice a week while Jovie is in preschool, and next year it will be a few hours every day.

I don't look forward to this time AT ALL. In fact, on some days I DREAD it!

Our house is like a forbidden area for me to enter when I am all by myself. When I have been alone in the past, I find that my mind ALWAYS goes back to how much I miss you. It leads to me feeling overwhelmed with my grief. I can't even be alone in the car for too long, or the same thing happens. I have to find something to do....errands to run until it's time to pick up your brother and sister.

Ok, so here's the real truth. I KNOW that I'm never really alone. I try so hard to concentrate on the fact that you are somehow with me....that God is with me too, BUT I ALWAYS long for that physical touch from you (WOW, does that sound sappy, or what?!). I guess that's one fault as a human...we rely on physical feeling so much. Sometimes it's hard for us to remember that there is something there without it being a tangible object.

Anyway, this is my reality for right now. I can NEVER let on to Mikey and Jovie that I rely on their presence so much. They don't need to worry about how their mommy is doing while they're at school. I know that with time it will get a little bit better.....it has to, otherwise I'll never get anything done while Jovie is in school full time. It's just something that I have to continue to work through...

and I will.