Careful

Dear Carter,
It took a little while for me to get to the next post because our house got infested with the cold bug. Yuck!

After you left I have been much more CAREFUL about your brother and sister. I just have this anxiety that something will happen and they will go to Heaven to join you. It's not something that nags at me all day, every day, but it's definitely something that is there weighing on my mind occasionally.

About a month ago, Daddy pulled into our driveway and decided to let us all out of the car before pulling it into the garage. As I got Jovie out, she dropped a little toy right in front of the back tire. She bent down to pick it up, and although there was NO way Daddy was going to drive forward before he saw that we were clear of the car, it threw me into a bit of a panic attack. I had so many images fly through my mind during that half a second, and it's a feeling that I won't soon forget. I'm not going to be one of those paranoid mothers, but I do find myself checking on your brother and sister much more during the night than I did before.

I just have to be sure that they are breathing.

I've also noticed that people are much more CAREFUL about the things that they will say around our family. Unfortunately sometimes this does much more harm than good for us. I read a quote somewhere (I think it was Elizabeth Edwards?) that read something like "when you mention my child who has gone to Heaven, you aren't reminding me that he died....you are reminding me that you knew he lived". This is so "spot on" that I can't even tell you. I don't like it when people will dance around the subject of you, and find myself mentioning you before they have to.

I don't mind talking about you at all baby boy....it reminds me that if I'm really CAREFUL everybody will remember you, my sweet boy.