Missing You

Dear Carter,
I keep a folder of your videos on my computer, and whenever I start to feel like the pain in my heart is too unbearable, I watch them. I watch you move, and smile, and talk to me. It takes some of the pain from my heart, and moves it into my arms...and my lips because I want nothing more than to hold and kiss you again. Only a few moments into the first video, I start to feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. They are letting me know that the pain is still there....and that the love is still there. Not that I ever doubt it, but it's good to just feel it sometimes.

Every single day I kiss your picture good morning and good night. I rub my finger along your cheek and try to imagine what your skin felt like, and what you smelled like. Some days it seems like I can actually feel you and smell you, and others I fear that I have already forgotten. I want so badly to dream of you at night....to have those few moments of feeling close to you again, but I always wake up disappointed. Maybe one day I'll dream of you....hopefully one day soon.

People ask how we are doing all the time. The only answer I can give is OK. After all, we're pushing through as best we can, but we are certainly not doing well. I often wonder if we'll ever be well again....if there will ever come a day that I can just look at one of your pictures and just be happy that we had time together. It has been a blessing that your brother and sister are home during the Summer because they are what keeps us going.

I just wanted to let you know that I haven't forgotten about you. I think about you all day long. I miss you every second of every day, and the idea that I won't see you or touch you in this lifetime is almost unbearable. Even though this is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, and hopefully will ever go through, I am so very thankful that you chose me to be your mommy. It was an honor to be the one to bring you into this world. Thank you.