Here It Is Again

Dear Carter,

Be prepared for a lot of rambling.  I don't even know where to begin, or how to get my thoughts in order.

So many things have been going on around here, which is good.....I like being busy....it helps to keep my mind off of you, but at the same time I feel as though I've been neglecting you and the work that I want to keep doing for you. 

These last few weeks have been full of camping, dance recitals, baseball practices, and work.  I only have one day left of work before I can start my Summer vacation, and I have so many things on my list that I would like to accomplish this year....I hope I can tackle it all!  One of those includes getting back into blogging...back into working on Carter's Hope.  These two things are always nagging me in the back of my mind.  I haven't felt much like writing about what goes on in my head because I start to feel as though I'm just whining about it all of the time.  BUT on the other hand I feel as though I really should.  I think that it would be something that Mikey and Jovie, or even my grandchildren will like reading through one day.  The journal of our healing after losing you.

Just as I feel like I am starting to catch my breath from your birthday, we are hit with the anniversary of losing you.  It is tomorrow.  At about this time two years ago, I think that we were getting our last pictures done with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.  I KNEW that it would be the last time that we would all be together, although I didn't want to believe it.

Why would God take you away from our family?  If only love were enough to keep you here forever.

We visited your grave yesterday, and it was tender.  Memorial Day has a whole new meaning to me now....especially since last year it happened to fall on your very first Angel Day.  I'm not looking forward to tomorrow.  I am supposed to be busy all day with work, but my heart just isn't in it.  Your brother and sister have a Field Day, followed by some of their other activities.  Somehow it just feels wrong that we continue on with life when I really feel like part of me died with you on that day.

Two years ago.

Two years ago....really??

I struggle to remember the smell of your hair, or the feel of your skin.  How can two years have gone by without my baby boy?

I recently read an article about a Dad who was writing letters to his children.  He had been diagnosed wtih ALS, and wanted to get his thoughts out to his kids while he still could.  There was a very profound quote in there that read "We'll be together again … and 300 years from now we'll think, ‘Remember when you had ALS? What were we so worried about?'". 

I hope that this is how it will be....."Remember when you left us??  What were we so worried about."

The thought that just came to mind for me was that eternity is a really REALLY long time.  If I only have to survive another 60-70 years without you (of course that is being optimistic), then I think I can handle that.  At least on the days that don't hurt so much.

Tomorrow will not be one of those days.

So Proud!

Dear Carter,

A couple of weeks ago, Mikey was able to finally make his First Holy Communion.  We are so SO proud of him!!!  I absolutely LOVE seeing his relationship grow with God.  He has worked hard for two years now to get to do this, and you could tell that he was proud.

Didn't he look handsome in his new suit!

 He sure was happy to get that suit off once we got home though! 

Congratulations Mikey!  We are blessed by you!

Has It Really Been That Long?

Dear Carter,

I came here to tell you all about Mikey's First Holy Communion, and I just realized that I never filled you in on the rest of our vacation. As if it's that shocking to you that I might be behind on blogging. Ha!

I also wanted to tell you about a paper that Mikey had to work on in his class today.  I am always so worried that he will not include you when he has to do "family worksheets", but today, he made me so proud!  He had to write everybody in his family's name, and also an adjective to describe them.   he chose "Cute Carter" for you.  Couldn't be any more accurate in my opinion!  Just for the record, he also chose "long-tongued Brutus" which cracks me up to no end.

Back to the vacation, we spent a day at Legoland while we were in California. This has always been one of Mikey's dreams, and we knew that we needed it to do it before your brother and sister got too old for it. I feel like they really were the perfect ages for it, and am so glad that we took the time to go.

One of the very first rides we tried out was the driving school.  Your brother and sister got to drive these little Lego cars around, and they had the freedom to go wherever they wanted within the course.  It was so cute watching them cruising around on the pretend streets.

One of my favorite parts was checking out all of the different models built with Legos.  They even had the Las Vegas strip, so we got to see our hotels in a mini size.

Overall, it was a pretty great day! I have many more pictures, but Blogger isn't allowing me to upload any more, so this is all I got for now.

I want you to know that I am still missing you like crazy....although during the last few days I have felt pretty good.....like I can actually breathe....like I'm comfortable with you being completely healed and in Heaven.  I know that this is just one of those "good waves", and that another bad one is around the corner, but it is nice and refreshing to get a break from all of that emotion. I found myself looking at some pictures of you, and thinking about how blessed I have been to be chosen as your mommy. This is by far the toughest part of it....the not having you here with me....but as I've said before, I know that I will be with you much MUCH longer than I will be without you. 

I love you my little stud muffin.