Where I Am Today...Two Years Later

Dear Carter,

It has now been over two years since I got to hold you last.  To think that it has really been that long is staggering to me....especially when I consider how much longer I have to go to before I get to kiss that little cheek of yours again.

When I think back to that first year of you being gone, I can see that I really have healed A LOT since you left.  I find greater comfort in knowing that you are well, and you are happy.  Of course there are still those times when I wish that you were here with us regardless of how tough your life on Earth was. I feel as though I am making progress with my healing, but I have a long LONG way to go. I can honestly say that I can now think of you without feeling that overwhelming hurt in my heart....at least some of the time.  I am still reminded of you all of the time, and I don't want those little reminders to ever, EVER end.  I need them to feel close to you.  Even if it is something as silly as looking at the little Under Armour symbol on my shoes.

There are times when my heart is still tender.  When I want to just curl into a ball and bawl my eyes out for you, but I now look at that as something that I need.....that my body needs.  I need that release sometimes when the loss is just too great. It makes it easier to take the next step without you.

I have been working on a project.  I am making quilts out of all of your tiny clothes.  It was hard to go through each and every piece, but it feels good to be doing something with them. I can't wait until they are finished, and I can wrap myself in something that you wore.  Something that was yours.

We have been doing a little bit of redecorating around the house, and Jovie wanted a picture of her with her brothers.  As we were going through them, I came across this picture.  Why, oh why have I not just loved this picture before??  I have probably 200 taken from this same day, but only a few really turned out because I remember that all three of you did NOT want to cooperate.  I just love this one.  Look at the way your brother is holding your little hands.  Sooooo precious.  How I wish that I had a million more pictures of the three of you together. I am so grateful that I just came across this one because it feels like getting a little piece of you back.

I find that I am still very sensitive about certain things. There was a recent incident with a little girl that left me wondering why her Mommy gets to keep her, while I have to miss you. Her mommy just wasn't taking good care of her at all, and I felt like I did a pretty good job of taking care of you (at least I hope so!).  I try so hard to not judge her, I promise I do.  I just find myself jealous. I can't help it.

The other thing that leaves me sensitive is when I hear the word "retarded".  Last night your Daddy and I were watching Pre Season NFL football when during a post-game conference the new Quarterback for The Washington Redskins, Robert Griffen III, used the word in a statement that called his play quality "ridiculous and retarded".  That stung so much because whenever I hear the word "Retarded" I immediately replace that word with your name.  Whether that is right, or wrong, that is just simply how I feel.  My heart starts to race. My palms grow sweaty. It stings like no other. I don't expect people to understand how it hurts because I really didn't until you were born.  I think that RGIII really is a good guy.  He's an outstanding football player, and I also think that he is an intelligent young man.  I just hope that he chooses his words a little more wisely in the future. After all, he is a role model to many young people out there.

I have found that I don't visit your grave quite as much as I used to.  I don' really know why, because I do find great comfort in being close to you.  I feel a lot of guilt over that.  Like I'm not doing a very good job being your mommy, so I really want to start visiting more. I AM going to visit more.  I promise.

The Festival Of Trees is coming up, and so is the Operation Smile 5K.  It feels good to do these things for you.  This is where I really do find a lot of my healing. I hope that you are proud of the way that we continue to try and do these things in your name.

So, that is where I am after two years of missing you.  Some days are harder than others, but I do feel as though I am healing...although the hole in my heart can never be filled. I love you my little Bubba Jay.