June 28, 2012

Where My Mind Goes

Dear Carter,

I can tell already that this letter to you is going to be a lot of rambling, so please be patient with me.  I'm hoping that in the end it all makes sense.  We'll see!

 It was last night at about 1:00 am that my mind started to wander.  I've been reading a lot lately which has put a stop to all of those thoughts, but last night even the reading didn't help it.

I pulled that cute little Pug tighter to me, and started to think about how lucky I was to be sleeping in my own bed in a house with the people that I love.  It was then that my mind took a different turn.... I started to think that although I was so so comfy, it would have been nice if I was up at the hospital with you.  I know, weird right? 

I started to think of all of the familiar sounds up there.  The familiar smells.  The familiar people....and I started to really miss that because it meant that you were still here with us.

I guess I just miss that familiar feeling of you.

Then I started to realize that the missing you.....the pain I feel in my heart for you has become my new kind of familiar....to the point when I don't feel that pain it feels strange. And that's where I've been lately.....just accepting that you are really gone, but that we aren't apart forever.  Just for a little while, and it feels wrong. I know that this is just a "good" wave, and the hard times will appear again before long.  They always do, and I certainly don't want to hurry them along....it's just that still...after two years, nothing feels right.  Just familiar.

You left such a huge impact on us baby boy, and you turned our whole world upside down in so SO many ways.  My mind thought about the kind of mommy I was before you were born. Your brother has had some tummy issues over the last few days, and if this would have happened before I would have thought nothing of it and waited out this little sickness.  Instead, now the VERY first place that my mind goes is that perhaps he needs to see a Gastroenterologist, and I start listing them off in my head deciding which one would be best for him.  Trust me when I say that this is just the first place my mind goes, but I don't actually act on it so your brother has no idea how much of a freak I am. lol.  It's a delicate balance for me...trying to be a good mommy while not smothering your brother and sister because I have seen the worst case scenario.

Finally as my mind started to drift into that sleepy dreamland, and the Pug gave a little snort to tell me I was hugging him a bit too tight, I started to realize that although I may be a paranoid mommy now, I still am a much better mommy then I was before you came.  Of course I have a LOT to work on, but I appreciate the little things so much more. I love more fiercely.  Thank you for that gift baby boy. It's all because of you.

June 9, 2012

Keep On Keepin' On!

Dear Carter,

So, Summer has proved to be just as busy as the school year so far.  It's a good kind of busy....getting things organized in our trailer and house, visiting with friends, and just playing with your brother and sister. 

I haven't written since your Angel Day.  I was amazed at how much easier it was this year, and I can only think that it's because our day was crazy busy.  Your brother and sister had a Field Day at their school, followed by T-Ball and Baseball, and then onto Dance class.  That's just how it is right now....one activity after another.  Of course I had my moments when I just wanted to hide under the covers for the day, but I've been blessed by such sweet friends and co-workers who made the day so much easier....simply by acknowledging that it is such an important day.

I feel as though I still have so much to tell you.  New things going on, but I don't want to crowd it all into one post. Mostly for today I just wanted to let you know that we are still here....we are still loving you....we are still missing you....and we are still "Keepin' On".