I feel as though I've lost the fire to do much of anything lately especially blogging. I have no idea which direction I want to go with it. Of course Team Carter is going to continue on...we are still planning on doing charity work for Operation Smile, and all of the 5K runs. I think the best thing for me to do right now is take things one blog post at a time.
So, how are we feeling? I would have to say that I feel incredibly sad...and angry...and jealous. I have no idea if those feelings are normal, or not....but that is how I feel.
I'm sad that our little man is gone. I know that he is perfect now, and happy, but that still leaves me with a lot of sadness that we don't get to kiss him or hear him laugh. I am angry that we only had a short time with him. In some weird way it just seems so unfair...like it's not how it's supposed to be. I've always felt like we were supposed to watch him grow for at least a few more years. I'm jealous that others get to enjoy their special ones for so much longer, and I HATE feeling like that. That is the feeling that I hope I can work through the quickest.
Michael went back to work yesterday, and now I have to find my new kind of "normal". As many of you know, being a special needs mommy takes up a LOT of time and energy. I've been spending a lot of time away from the house because at home is where things seem the hardest. I plan to fill our summer with a lot of activities to keep us busy. It is a blessing that Mikey and Jovie are out of school for the summer. They are most certainly the best medicine for this mommy's broken heart.
So now, on to the reason why this post is titled "The Butterfly"
Jovie got one of those Butterfly Gardens for her birthday. If you don't know what that is, it is a mesh butterfly "house" where you put caterpillars and watch them grow into butterflies. I had been putting off ordering the caterpillars until the weather got a little nicer. I finally ordered them in the beginning of May, and the arrived on the day of Carter's surgery. At the time I found it a little ironic, and felt a connection between these caterpillars and Carter from the beginning. We watched them grow for about a week until they finally went inside their tiny cocoons. I found it very ironic when the butterflies hatched on the very day of Carter's funeral.
As a tribute to Carter, we released them at his gravesite. Because much like the tiny butterflies, he is now free to spread his wings. In another twist of this story, a relative of ours sent us a letter describing how she and her husband were at the cemetery on Memorial Day and released a butterfly balloon, and in her words "it struggled at first in the wind, but just like little Carter did in his brief, meaningful life, it finally took wing and soared."
A fellow blogger family at Joy In The Journey attended Carter's viewing and brought with them a piggy bank. There was a note that told us that every time we saw a coin on the ground, it was Carter's way of saying Hi! How brilliant is that?!
I'd like to think that every time we see a butterfly it is also Carter's way of telling us that he is OK.