June 10, 2010

The Butterfly

I'm sorry that I haven't updated.

I feel as though I've lost the fire to do much of anything lately especially blogging. I have no idea which direction I want to go with it. Of course Team Carter is going to continue on...we are still planning on doing charity work for Operation Smile, and all of the 5K runs. I think the best thing for me to do right now is take things one blog post at a time.

So, how are we feeling? I would have to say that I feel incredibly sad...and angry...and jealous. I have no idea if those feelings are normal, or not....but that is how I feel.

I'm sad that our little man is gone. I know that he is perfect now, and happy, but that still leaves me with a lot of sadness that we don't get to kiss him or hear him laugh. I am angry that we only had a short time with him. In some weird way it just seems so unfair...like it's not how it's supposed to be. I've always felt like we were supposed to watch him grow for at least a few more years. I'm jealous that others get to enjoy their special ones for so much longer, and I HATE feeling like that. That is the feeling that I hope I can work through the quickest.

Michael went back to work yesterday, and now I have to find my new kind of "normal". As many of you know, being a special needs mommy takes up a LOT of time and energy. I've been spending a lot of time away from the house because at home is where things seem the hardest. I plan to fill our summer with a lot of activities to keep us busy. It is a blessing that Mikey and Jovie are out of school for the summer. They are most certainly the best medicine for this mommy's broken heart.

So now, on to the reason why this post is titled "The Butterfly"

Jovie got one of those Butterfly Gardens for her birthday. If you don't know what that is, it is a mesh butterfly "house" where you put caterpillars and watch them grow into butterflies. I had been putting off ordering the caterpillars until the weather got a little nicer. I finally ordered them in the beginning of May, and the arrived on the day of Carter's surgery. At the time I found it a little ironic, and felt a connection between these caterpillars and Carter from the beginning. We watched them grow for about a week until they finally went inside their tiny cocoons. I found it very ironic when the butterflies hatched on the very day of Carter's funeral.

As a tribute to Carter, we released them at his gravesite. Because much like the tiny butterflies, he is now free to spread his wings. In another twist of this story, a relative of ours sent us a letter describing how she and her husband were at the cemetery on Memorial Day and released a butterfly balloon, and in her words "it struggled at first in the wind, but just like little Carter did in his brief, meaningful life, it finally took wing and soared."

A fellow blogger family at Joy In The Journey attended Carter's viewing and brought with them a piggy bank. There was a note that told us that every time we saw a coin on the ground, it was Carter's way of saying Hi! How brilliant is that?!

I'd like to think that every time we see a butterfly it is also Carter's way of telling us that he is OK.


Becky said...

Oh wow. This is so beautiful. I love that you were able to release the butterflies at the grave site. It's such a beautiful image and it brought me to tears.

Stephie said...

Heather I love you so much! I love the butterflies. Save that butterfly house and you can order butterflies every year from Insectlore...if you want to. Such a meaningful symbol for your family. If you ever want to get away for the day with or without the kids to Cache Valley let me know. We can show you lots of fun things to do.

Alison said...

I just want to say thank you! Thank you for sharing Carter with each one of us. He has been a blessing from the very beginning. thank you for letting me be a part of your life...your journey. Heather, you and your family are SO LOVED!

Kelli said...

Oh Heather, thank you so much for sharing with us your feelings...it must be really hard to do so. I cried through the whole post because I think what your family has done is a beautiful way to honor your son. When I was in college, I lost someone close to me and a friend told me that every time I saw a dime on the ground, I would think of him. It's funny where those dimes will pop up...sometimes in the most strangest places!

Please know that I am thinking about you and sending lots of hugs your way...Love you guys!

Alicia said...

What a wonderful story with the butterflies. So touching. And the coin story is beautiful too. Carter will always be alive in your heart and will always find little way to tell you "hi". Always.

Sad, angry, jealous... all completely normal feelings when dealing with grief such as yours. Absolutely.

You and your family are all in my prayers, and will continue to be.

Janis @ Sneak Peek At Me said...

Heather, I think those feelings you have are completely normal. I am sure you will work through them just fine, there is no right or wrong way to feel when you lose a child. Thank you for updating us on your family and that beautiful story. Praying for you all!

Kristin said...

Oh my. Tears. A butterfly flew in the house last night and we caught it and watched it for a bit and then sent it back on its way outside. Wonder if that was Carter coming to say hi to Max.
I think all your feelings are normal. Make sure you tell your kids whatever they're feeling is normal too. I struggled for years after losing a younger brother when I was just 5 yrs old. Praying for your family's peace.

Angela said...

Oh Heather what beautiful reminders you will always have-- many times when you least expect them forever reminding you that Carter is saying hi, and that he IS OK. Prayers and love to you. God Bless you and yours, my friend. xoxo

Phyllis said...

oh gosh Heather, I have missed you and am so glad you are back to blogging at least for now. All those feelings seem like perfectly normal parts of the grieving process. I hope that you continue to stay busy this summer and settle into a new routine. What a whirlwind this last year and a half have been for your family. Still thinking of you and praying for you daily.

kat said...

What a beautiful story, thank you for sharing! The social work side of me is coming out...everything you are feeling is normal. However please consider seeking some counseling whether it is from your religous advisor or from a therapist. It could really help you process through what you and your family are feeling. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Amber said...

So many tears...for a life I never touched. I love this post...It's good to hear from you. You have been SO in my thoughts! I think that everything you are feeling sounds VERY normal. My heart is broken for your physical loss...I can't even begin to imagine.
Thank you for checking in...still in our prayers.

Jhari said...

I'm so happy you've finally updated. Hang in there Heather. I feel for you. Carter is happy right now for sure. And I guess he'll be much happier to see you moving on. You still have 2 adorable kids to be loved and to hold, and to kiss goodnight to. I'm praying as always for you and your family.

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

I'm so happy to "hear" from you, as hard as I'm sure it was to blog. I love that the butterflies hatched that day and were released at his site. That is amazing and beautiful. I will definately think of Carter now every time I see a butterfly!

Colleen said...

I'm so glad that you posted! You and have been on my mind so much lately. I wish that I could take away the pain. The thought of losing a child is simply unimaginable.

I love the tribute you made to Carter with the butterflies. He was probably smiling from heaven that day:)

AngelGirl said...

It's your time
To fly 
To reach out of the cacoon 
To test the strength of your own new wings 
To smell a new breeze 
To see the world with new eyes

Every butterfly before you 
Trembled with anxiety, uncertainty 
Yearned with vain hope to remain a larvae 
Pressed with desperate need against the cacoon 
Eventually eating its way out. 
I know you 
Never ate your way out of anything 
Not really
Never thought you were fully ready 
But you are. 
Just a few moments more 
For you here pumping your 
Delicate wings in the cool morning air. 
This is your perfect drying temperature.

Any minute your firm but faint grasp 
On this old home, this growing place, 
This chrysalis of comfort will slip painlessly away 
And on summer's sweet breeze you will rise
As you have heretofore only imagined.

-Angela S. Applonie

w/ love and support in your pain

audrey enloe said...

Oh that just brought tears to my eyes! What a beautiful post and I think its wonderful to see the Lords handiwork with the butterflys. For there is a season for everything! You are feeling so so normal, and if you didnt feel these things, it wouldnt be normal. I am lifting you up in prayer tonight, and I too will be on the lookout for butterflies! How sweet to see your children release the butterflies. So so sweet!

jjpsmommy07 said...

Beautiful story! We are still praying for you and your family. I know will think of your story every time I see a butterfly. ((HUGS))

Chris Price said...

What you're feeling is very normal and understandable. You and Mike are always in our prayers.

Moosman Fam said...

What a great idea to release butterfly's at Carter's grave. It is amazing the way that God sends us little messages... Lots of Love.

Anderson Family said...

You have been on my mind so much lately. Maybe because our boys had the same name - or so many similarities. We were so happy to have met you and your beautiful family - we are sorry it was under those circumstances that we did meet. Our prayers are still with you. I think all your feelings are normal - I would be angry, sad, jealous of other families who still have their children, frustrated, hurt and many other feelings. You have every right to feel that way and more. Keep busy as you find your new normal - and look for lots of butterflies and coins to remind you of your sweet boy. He is perfect now - running, playing and watching over his family! Loves, hugs, and prayers to all of you!