August 8, 2010


Dear Carter,

The other day I was talking to an unsuspecting stranger, and she asked me how many kids I had. For the first time since I became a mommy, I had to pause and think about how to answer this question. Obviously I have three, but I really didn't want to go into the whole explanation about how I have two here and one in Heaven....not because I'm ashamed by it, but because I didn't want to get that pity look. I finally answered three, and when the person asked me the ages of you, Mikey, and Jovie, that's when I really stuttered. This was the first time that I had to figure out how exactly I'm going to answer questions like that, and it really bothered me. I know that it's just another thing that I'm going to have to get used to...another thing to get comfortable with. That's how every day is....getting used to new things, getting comfortable in a new life without you here.

If you ask Mikey and Jovie how many brothers or sisters they have, they will answer the question without hesitation. If you ask them where you are, they will answer "In Heaven" without even blinking an eye. They truly seem to be comfortable in knowing that you are watching over them...that you are in the arms of Jesus. They still miss you, and they tell me the different things that they miss about you every day, BUT they understand that even though we can no longer physically touch you...that you are most definitely still here with us. Mikey and Jovie still see you as a part of this just have a new role. You are no longer the one that we must take care of, the one that we have to be sure has Oxygen in his nose, the one that we have to take to doctor's appointments. You have become the painter of rainbows, the sender of butterflies, and the guardian angel. Somebody sent me an email with a link for a group that helps with children who are grieving. It's a link that I will most certainly hold on to, but I really think that your brother and sister are handling things quite well. For now, they are comfortable in remembering their baby brother for who he was, and who he has become. They are comfortable in just loving you, and in knowing that you love them too.


Becky said...

I too am thankful that Ben's siblings are comfortable and handling things so well. It's a real blessing.

Colleen said...

I can't imagine how hard those questions would be to answer. What a blessing Mikey and Jovie are knowing that Carter is still part of the family watching over you.

stephk said...

One of my friends in the ward lost her son a few years back. When ever she is asked that question about kids and ages, she says, "Kameron is 12, Taylor is 9, Josh would be 4 and Jake is 2." Hope this helps.

wendy said...

i can't help but think, as i read your blog, that someday this will all be in book form. i love you heather mc merrick. and i'm glad that you continue to share your journey with us. xoxo.