Where My Mind Goes

Dear Carter,

I can tell already that this letter to you is going to be a lot of rambling, so please be patient with me.  I'm hoping that in the end it all makes sense.  We'll see!

 It was last night at about 1:00 am that my mind started to wander.  I've been reading a lot lately which has put a stop to all of those thoughts, but last night even the reading didn't help it.

I pulled that cute little Pug tighter to me, and started to think about how lucky I was to be sleeping in my own bed in a house with the people that I love.  It was then that my mind took a different turn.... I started to think that although I was so so comfy, it would have been nice if I was up at the hospital with you.  I know, weird right? 

I started to think of all of the familiar sounds up there.  The familiar smells.  The familiar people....and I started to really miss that because it meant that you were still here with us.

I guess I just miss that familiar feeling of you.

Then I started to realize that the missing you.....the pain I feel in my heart for you has become my new kind of familiar....to the point when I don't feel that pain it feels strange. And that's where I've been lately.....just accepting that you are really gone, but that we aren't apart forever.  Just for a little while, and it feels wrong. I know that this is just a "good" wave, and the hard times will appear again before long.  They always do, and I certainly don't want to hurry them along....it's just that still...after two years, nothing feels right.  Just familiar.

You left such a huge impact on us baby boy, and you turned our whole world upside down in so SO many ways.  My mind thought about the kind of mommy I was before you were born. Your brother has had some tummy issues over the last few days, and if this would have happened before I would have thought nothing of it and waited out this little sickness.  Instead, now the VERY first place that my mind goes is that perhaps he needs to see a Gastroenterologist, and I start listing them off in my head deciding which one would be best for him.  Trust me when I say that this is just the first place my mind goes, but I don't actually act on it so your brother has no idea how much of a freak I am. lol.  It's a delicate balance for me...trying to be a good mommy while not smothering your brother and sister because I have seen the worst case scenario.

Finally as my mind started to drift into that sleepy dreamland, and the Pug gave a little snort to tell me I was hugging him a bit too tight, I started to realize that although I may be a paranoid mommy now, I still am a much better mommy then I was before you came.  Of course I have a LOT to work on, but I appreciate the little things so much more. I love more fiercely.  Thank you for that gift baby boy. It's all because of you.