July 10, 2012

why, Why, WHY?

Dear Carter,

I knew this would be hard.  I KNEW IT!

But I told myself that it was time.  It's time to do something with all of these little clothes that you left behind.  I don't want them to sit around in a tote anymore....I just NEED to do something with them.

My idea is to make quilts out of them for your brother and sister, and of course one for Mommy and Daddy too.  I've been making my way through the clothes today, and cutting the squares.  With each article that I drew from the tote, I kept thinking of all of the memories that each one leaves me.  That I miss you so SO much.  That you didn't get to wear all of these clothes nearly as much as you should have.

I just kept on chugging through, until I came across "THE" headband.  The one that you "ALWAYS" wore.  The one that has somehow made Under Armour our family's favorite line of clothing because it has become one of our many symbols of you.

My first instinct was to put it up against my nose to see if I could still smell your sweet scent.  It was very rarely that I washed that sweaty old headband because your hearing aid had to be rewired through it.

I was still shocked when I came across the sweet scent of you.

This is when I suddenly felt that sadness and anger bubble up inside of me. Right now as this moment I just want to know why.  Why am I having to go through all of your clothes to make a quilt, when I should be giving you a bath?? Mommies aren't supposed to make memory quilts of their babies....they are supposed to make memory quilts FOR their babies.  Why do I have to listen to your brother's and sister's memories of you instead of hear them playing with you??  Why were you taken from us after only fourteen months when we loved every single piece of you for who you are.  why, Why, WHY?  What did we do wrong??

I promise that I'm going to get rid of this poor me attitude, but for right now at this moment it is overflowing inside of me.  I just plain miss you baby.  I don't want to have to smell you on a piece of fabric....I want to walk right up to you and kiss your sweet cheek. I want to wail and scream at God....WHY?!?!

Your buddy, Junior, made us this tubie buddy a few months back, and I felt that "THE" headband certainly belonged on him.  I love you my little sweetie.  Perhaps you can visit me in my dreams tonight.


Lacey said...

This makes me so sad! I keep all of Jax things, because i couldnt bear not to have them if I didnt have him. I can physically feel your pain, the joy when you could smell him in his headband. I've never lost a child, but I've come close and all the things I fear are things you are saying. I smell him every second I can, because you never know when it will be gone. I've been crazy, but your never far from my heart and I can always feel his sweet skin from the one time I got to love on him!

Kristin said...

So so sorry.

stephk said...

I'm so sad you are feeling so hurt. I love you and you are strong! I love your idea of making a quilt out of his cute little outfits!

yuliya said...

I a very sorry. You are so strong, Heather! I am admiring you.