Dear Carter,
OK, I have to admit that I've been pouting for the last couple of weeks. I know that you're probably wanting to kick me in the butt right now, but I just can't seem to shake it.
I'm actually a bit ashamed to say what I'm pouting about, but it REALLY has affected me. I think about it all the time, and I feel like I'm actually grieving over it a little bit too.
So here it goes...I'm pouting over the bird eggs.
Here's the thing, I didn't get mad at God when he took you from me. I didn't pout about it. I didn't ask why (although those thoughts definitely do enter my mind at times), and I didn't pout about it.
But the bird eggs? The bird eggs. I am definitely doing all of these things over the bird eggs.
I just don't understand what the whole point of it was. We obviously misinterpreted why these birds layed eggs in our driveway, and I'm just really disappointed. I seriously feel like it was all just one huge kick in the gut.
So there you go baby boy. I'm pouting over the bird eggs, but I'm trying my hardest to just get over it and move on.
Because really, they are just bird eggs.
4 comments:
I know how you feel. We had the same nest on our lawn, except the parents abandonned the eggs. I feel so badly that our activity around them may have scared them off and left the babies unhatched.
oh heather...love you so so much. and when i found out about the bird eggs, i felt that kick in the gut FOR you. there are no good answers. i am so sorry. you are allowed to pout. you are allowed to ask why. it's OKAY.
i have to tell you that the other day the boys started talking about the movie 2012...and i explained that God PROMISED not to ever flood the earth again...which led to a convo about noah's ark...and while it didn't seem to phase them so much that God would wipeout mankind (minus noah and his family) because of the state of their hearts, they WERE HORRIFIED that God would wipe out innocent animals...it was SUCH a difficult conversation...
i'm not even sure that the connection even makes sense as i type it out...but it seemed to in my head and so i'm just going to hit submit.
i don't get it. and i wish that you hadn't gone through ANY of this...i got mad about the bird eggs. i hate that for you.
don't ever feel like you need to just 'get over it.' i think it's okay to feel it for as long as you need to.
i love you. xoxo.
Heather, the spring after David died, a duck made her nest by out front doorstep. This was a pretty odd thing, we don't live near water or anything. She laid a whole bunch of eggs and rarely left them; she just hunkered down in the bushes there but she had to leave occasionally I guess and those eggs kept diminishing in number (we have rat snakes, groundhogs, possums etc)and one day she was gone; just an empty nest left. I felt so sheated; I wanted to see ducklings! I thought all the eggs must have been gone.
Two weeks later there was a duck in our yard with two ducklings. She walked around for a while, showing off, then left again. She was saying, "see?" I thought. I guess she hatched two and immediately left the front stoop and took them to a pond (there are several within a mile or two.)
Then that fall I found out we had a termite colony under the front stoop! That's why she nested there. Lots of food. So I felt cheated again, because it wasn't "mystical" or something. Orkin came and got rid of the termites. Next year the duck returned!!!! She was there for 2-3 days and left (lack of termites, heh.)I never saw her again.
BUT. It's still an act of God to place a termite colony under my front door, basically. So wahtever the outcome, which other creatures influenced, and ultimately WE influenced, by getting rid of our unwanted termite nirvana... that duck nesting there, in that odd place, was an interesting event,and it had/has meaning, and that is that.
Sweet Heather. I felt kicked in the gut too when I heard about the baby birds.
I wish I could come up with a fancy, well meaning answer as to why it happened...but I got nothing. It is one of those things, that only God knows why...because to those of us on earth, there is absolutely no making sense of it at all.
Like so many other things.
And you are allowed to do more than pout. Maybe this is your "out" to allow yourself to scream, and cry until your soul feels fresh again. I don't know. I just know I love you, and that you are wonderful. I love you girl.
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