My Club

Dear Baby Boy,

Today was one of those days that stirred up some feelings that are kind of hard to describe.

I realized that I'm part of an exclusive club, heck, maybe I'm even the president.  Nobody wants to be a part of my club, and I don't blame them!  It's every parents worst nightmare.  I don't even want to be part of it!  If only I had the power to change that.

There are some days when I completely forget that I'm in the child loss club...not that I forget about you.....it's just my new normal not having you here.  Its hard to even remember the days before losing you, and I hate that.  I want so badly to go back to those days. Before I only had ornaments like these to remind me of your sweet smile.

Then there are days like today when I am not feeling well (dang head cold), and it makes me extra emotional. Today, I feel like I amthe poster child for the worst, and just a depressing reminder to those who fear that they may someday gain membership.  I try so hard to stay positive about all of it...by remembering that you aren't in pain, that this is the hard part, and a small portion of the journey.  But there are always days like today when I just want to go back to being a normal Mommy......not the one that represents the worst possible outcome.

I love you my sweet boy, and I know tomorrow will be a better day.  It always is, right?

I