Listening

Dear Carter,
One of the things that your life and death have taught me is that I really need to take time to appreciate the little things. When you were alive, I appreciated every moment that I got to hold you.... every new thing that you did...and every day that we got to spend together. There were several times when I would hold you in the middle of the night, and try my hardest to imprint how you felt and what you smelled like in my mind. I would thank God that you were my son, and pray that you would be here with me forever. I can remember several times when I would literally cry at the thought of you leaving.... because I always knew that it would probably happen at some point in my life, but never EVER thought it would be after only 14 months.
Now that you have grown your wings, I take comfort in appreciating the little things that remind me of you. As you know, I am always on the lookout for butterflies and pennies, but there are other little reminders too. Soon after your passing, a dear friend of mine told me that she was listening to the thunder and thinking about you, my sweet boy, playing the drums up in Heaven. She told me that there was definitely a party up there because she could hear it.
Tonight we are having a Summer rainstorm, and I can hear you playing away. Mikey asked me if the rain drops were your tears. I told him that if they were your tears, they were happy ones. So, play away my little one, play away! We're listening!

The Final Piece

Dear Carter,

Today we put in the final piece. It feels good to have your headstone now, but at the same time it feels sad to know that we have to have one at all.

I think it turned out perfectly. The handprint and footprint are your actual prints from the day that you grew your wings. Can you believe that they can engrave those like that?! The lady from the monument place called to be sure that they were the right size because she thought that the foot looked a little long. I laughed, thought of your monkey toes, and assured her that they were indeed the right size.

We got the saying on the base from a necklace that my friend, Becky, sent to me after you passed. I am confident that this is the way you were taken to Heaven, so it seemed very fitting.

I finally had that dream I've been waiting for. The other morning I was dreaming that I picked you up, kissed your cheek, and just as I was about to inhale your sweet smell..... I woke up. I tried hard to fall back to sleep, but of course the sleep would not come. It still gave me comfort to know that I may dream of you. The rest of the day was long and hard since I missed that feeling so much. I just miss you.

Thank you for sending us so many butterflies lately. It helps me so much on those days when I wonder if you are OK. We even saw a balloon heading to Heaven the other day. Mikey and Jovie thought for sure that you would have fun playing with it.

I love you. My sweet boy.

A Call For Help

Team Carter needs your help!

My amazing friend, April a.k.a. Pinkebody, is going to be doing a fundraiser in honor of Carter Jay.

Here is her blog post about the fundraiser: Pinkebody

Basically, in September, she will be holding a fundraiser on her Hyenacart shop to raise money for Operation Smile. All money will be donated in honor of Carter. She is currently looking for donations, so if you are interested in donating a handmade item, yarn, or a knitting slot, please contact her here. Remember that it only takes $240 for one operation which will change the recipients life forever.

April is VERY talented. Anyone remember this outfit?

Yup, that is her handiwork! I never thought that clothes could make that sweet boy any cuter, but what do you know, they sure did!

I'll be posting more details as I find them out. Thank you to April, and anyone else who helps with this project...it means a lot to know that Carter can still put his stamp on the world.

Roy Days 5K and 2 Mile Walk ~ August 7th

Team Carter will be participating in the Roy Days 5K and 2 Mile Walk on August 7th.

If you are interested in joining us, you can pre-register here for a fee of $15.
http://www.runnercard.com/e/runner.Main?meet=2808

Clinton City Parade

Dear Carter,
After the 5K run on Saturday, we met up with your Aunt April at the parade. Look at this! We finally got a decent picture of the two of us together....that is unheard of! Notice the butterfly shirt she is wearing just for you! I really wish that you could have been there. Jovie got to ride on one of the floats...she asked me if you'd be able to see her, and I assured her that you were most certainly watching.She threw candy out to Mikey as fast as she could. It was so cute! Afterward, we came home for a quick shower, and went back to the carnival to watch Jovie perform her dance routine. She did an excellent job. We're all so proud of her!

While we were walking through the carnival, we ran into one of mommy's old friends, Jena. She was visiting from Virginia. It was so exciting to see her, and it just made the day even better. Mikey and Jovie played on the waterslide with their cousins until it was time for fireworks. It was a truly almost perfect day.

Upcoming 5K and 2 Mile Walk

Team Carter is participating in the Roy Days 5K and 2 mile walk on August 7th.

You can use this link to sign up if you are interested:
http://www.runnercard.com/e/runner.Main?meet=2808

Thank you so much to everyone for their kind comments, continuing love, and support. We appreciate everything so very much!

Remembering

Missing You

Dear Carter,
I keep a folder of your videos on my computer, and whenever I start to feel like the pain in my heart is too unbearable, I watch them. I watch you move, and smile, and talk to me. It takes some of the pain from my heart, and moves it into my arms...and my lips because I want nothing more than to hold and kiss you again. Only a few moments into the first video, I start to feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. They are letting me know that the pain is still there....and that the love is still there. Not that I ever doubt it, but it's good to just feel it sometimes.

Every single day I kiss your picture good morning and good night. I rub my finger along your cheek and try to imagine what your skin felt like, and what you smelled like. Some days it seems like I can actually feel you and smell you, and others I fear that I have already forgotten. I want so badly to dream of you at night....to have those few moments of feeling close to you again, but I always wake up disappointed. Maybe one day I'll dream of you....hopefully one day soon.

People ask how we are doing all the time. The only answer I can give is OK. After all, we're pushing through as best we can, but we are certainly not doing well. I often wonder if we'll ever be well again....if there will ever come a day that I can just look at one of your pictures and just be happy that we had time together. It has been a blessing that your brother and sister are home during the Summer because they are what keeps us going.

I just wanted to let you know that I haven't forgotten about you. I think about you all day long. I miss you every second of every day, and the idea that I won't see you or touch you in this lifetime is almost unbearable. Even though this is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, and hopefully will ever go through, I am so very thankful that you chose me to be your mommy. It was an honor to be the one to bring you into this world. Thank you.

Team Carter 5K

Dear Carter,

We did it! We've been planning on doing this 5K for what seems like forever, and we finally did it! I have more pictures coming, but this is the only one I've gathered from people so far.

Well, baby boy, you've made quite the impact on people. I think there were over 40 people who showed up to show their support for you (some aren't in the picture), and most of them ran the 5K. I even ran the 5k...I know that may shock you, but I did it all for you. We love you SO much!

During the run, your Aunt Gretchen and Aunt April both held up signs to cheer us on. It was a huge motivation. We're already in the process of planning which race we'll be doing next. Team Carter is going to continue putting on the miles for you!

We need to thank everyone who took time out of their weekend to do this with us. It was a very blessed day, and so so good to be surrounded by so many people who love you.

Fishing & The Dino Park

Dear Carter,

We had a busy week last week. Daddy took Mikey and Jovie fishing at the pond. They didn't catch a fish, but they certainly caught a lot of weeds. In the middle of the week, we took another trip to the Dinosaur Park with our friends, the Travis' . While on our walk, we found you giving us a quick Hello.

It was a beautiful day, and we topped it off with lunch at Burger King (your brother's favorite place).

Still missing you like crazy. I can't believe that it's already been almost two months since I've held you last.

Montana

Dear Carter,

We had always planned on taking a vacation in July to Jackson Hole. We were going to get several Oxygen tanks and take you on your very first trip. As you know, things just didn't work out that way. We decided that we know longer wanted to go to Jackson Hole if we couldn't take you, so we went to Montana to visit your Great-Grandma and Great-Grandpa. We spent the first day visiting with your grandparents, and it was so very nice to see them. They look so good, and how we wish that you would have had the chance to meet them. We also visited with Daddy's Aunt Patti, cousin Erin, and cousin Landyn. It's always good to reconnect with family.

On our second day there, we took a trip up to Glacier National Park. Baby boy, I don't know what Heaven is like, but my guess is it looks something like this park. The scenery was so peaceful, and calming. I felt so close to you while we were there. We spotted butterflies everywhere!

After driving around and checking out the scenery, we rented a boat and took a ride on Lake McDonald. This is what it looked like from our boat.

Do you see what I mean? It's absolutely breathtaking. Mikey and Jovie had an amazing time helping your Daddy drive the boat.After our boat ride, we took a hike up the Trail Of Cedars. We spotted some coins at the bottom of a waterfall. There you are, telling us that you're right there with us!

We spent the next day with our family, and had dinner at a really cool pizza place that had an amazing Junk Moose in the front of it.

It was time to come home after a short visit. I have to be honest in saying that I wasn't quite ready to. It was nice to be away for a little while.

I still miss you like crazy. That's most definitely the hardest part....the missing you. I know that you are being taken care of, and faithful that I will see you again, but that does not help the need in my heart...the need to kiss your little cheek. It was, after all, my favorite thing to do while we were snuggling.

4th Of July

Dear Carter,

We tried to make the best of the Fourth Of July since you weren't here to celebrate with us. This one was the hardest holiday for me yet, and I think it's because last year it was your first holiday home with us. We started off with the Clearfield City 5k which was all for you baby boy! Everyone ran and walked hard for you little man!

Afterward we went to the Clearfield Parade. Your poor big sister wasn't feeling too well, but she still put on a good attitude and enjoyed scooping up the candy.


When we got home, it was time to prepare for the BBQ. Mikey enjoyed the swimming pool, while Jovie took a nap. We had a bunch of our friends and family over. Daddy used his new smoker and made us all some amazing food. It was by far the tastiest BBQ we've ever had. Then it was time for fireworks. Jovie still wasn't feeling too good, so she came out and layed on her blanket during the show. Daddy lit a few in honor of you, and we knew that you could see them.

On Sunday, we lit a few more fireworks. Luckily, Jovie was feeling much better and enjoyed the fireworks.We called it an early night because we had to get up early to leave for our vacation to Montana the next morning.

Still missing you with every fiber of my being!

Clearfield City Fun Run

We've had quite the busy week here, so I'm going to do several posts to get caught up on what Team Carter has been up to.

Last Saturday, Team Carter participated in the Clearfield City Fun Run/Walk. Most of the group ran the 5k, while others (myself included) did the two mile walk. The two mile walk seemed extremely long since I had to carry Jovie for the majority of it, but we made it! Look at how many members of Team Carter were there! Amazing! Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to do this with us. It means a lot to know that there are so many people out there who love our little man. Jovie even won a giant frisbee! You go girl!

Clinton City 5K

Yes, Team Carter is still planning on the Clinton City 5K. I'm sorry that I've been a little late in getting this information to you, but here it is now!

When Michael did this race a few years ago, they had a two mile walk as well.....but they no longer do that. I know that there were quite a few people who were planning on walking this, so I'm really sorry. You could still walk the 5k if you would like, but there will be other races that we do that include a walk. There is no doubt in my mind that some of you could walk this race faster than I'll run it. Ha!

The race is on July 17th. The entrants are supposed to be at the Civic Center City Park (1500 W 2300 N in Clinton) at 6:00 AM. The race begins at 6:30 AM. You can pre-register at the Clinton City Recreation Department for a fee of $15 which includes a shirt. If you decide to register the day of the race the fee goes up to $25 and you aren't guaranteed a shirt. I know that some of you who were planning on doing this live kind of far from Clinton, so I do think that you will probably be able to register over the phone at this number: 801-614-0780.... if not, let me know so I can try to help out :)

We will be attending the parade afterwards at 9:30 am. Jovie is going to be on one of the floats for her dance group.

Team Carter will also be doing the 5K run for Clearfield City tomorrow.

Thank you for all of your support! We hope to see you there!