February 8, 2011


Dear Carter,

Another little angel left us to be with you in Heaven this week. Her name is Lily, and she has a big sister, Charlotte, who is up there with you too. Here is her family's blog . I had read this blog awhile back before Lily was even born, and had wanted to try and find it again after you left...but I couldn't remember how I originally found it. Yesterday I came across it again, and my heart is broken for her family...

and for ours.

Reading it has brought back a million memories. It brought back the sadness that had been dulled for a few days. We have a lot in common with this family. A lot of yucky decisions that had to be made which resulted in our pain of missing you, but in knowing that you are taken care of.

It sucks when you feel like you have to decide that your child has had enough. Enough pain. Enough of this life. As much as I want to believe that the decision to let you go was in God's hands (isn't it always?), we still have to live with the pain, the guilt, and worst of all the "what ifs?". I KNOW it was God's decision MOST of the time, but there are those times, late at night, when the Devil plays tricks on my mind and I feel the full weight of our decision upon my shoulders.

I don't know that those feelings will ever go away....mainly because there is the selfish part of me that feels like I didn't get enough of you.

That's the human part of us. The part that would have never had enough of your smiles, or your giggles, or your grunts. I looked up the word, and the definition for Enough is "adequate for the want or need". Right now I feel like I want and need more of you than I was ever given...

But really it would never. Ever. EVER be Enough. How could it be? You are my baby.

Part of living in this world is knowing that we will always want more.

We will always eventually get hungry again.
We will always crave more
We will always have thirst for something

But if we believe in our God....If we can just give into the fact that we will always feel the need for more...if we believe that there is something more beyond this world....believe that you truly are in a better place....believe that there is a reason behind all of this.

That really should be enough for me.

And it is. Most of the time.


Wendy said...

Beautiful. Love you.

Colleen said...

Your posts are beautiful! Hugs!

Kelli said...


Tina said...

My heart goes out to you....your beautiful baby is in a better place and you have to always believe that, believe that one day you will be reunited with him. But yes until then I can only imagine your pain, a kind of pain no parent should ever have to go through. Hugs