March 9, 2011


Dear Carter,

Things have been looking a little bit up for me lately. Of course I still miss you like crazy, but I've been feeling a bit more peace with not having you here with me. This all stems from my solid belief that you are indeed in Heaven with our God. I am so blessed that God has graced me with my faith.

While things have been better, I've also been feeling a lot of anxiety over upcoming events. There are a lot of milestones coming up...some that seem unbearable to me. I know that we'll get through them, but it won't be without a lot of heartache.

It seems that I live every day using the word "last" in my thoughts. Sometimes it's when I remember the last time I did certain things with you.

Oh how I miss the last time I snuggled with you in our chair and rocked you to sleep.
Or the last time I snuck you into my bed in the middle of the night just to feel you close to me.
Or the last time I kissed you on your little cheek in my very favorite place.
Or the last time I ran my hand over the top of your head just to feel your tiny hairs.
Or the last time you laughed at your Daddy.
Or the last time I watched you suck on your monkey binky while watching your crib toy.

I miss all of those last times like crazy, and I try my hardest to imprint them in my mind as to not forget even the smallest details. I find comfort in all of this with the knowledge that those times were not the last times that you did those things....they were just the last times that I got to witness them in this world.

Sometimes the word "last" comes up in different ways.

We are coming up on the celebration for your birthday. We had no idea that you would have your first and last birthday all on one day. I can't help but think about where we were last year on that day.

And I'm nervous and excited for the upcoming Operation Smile event where we'll surely be celebrating your second birthday.

And remembering that you were there with us last year.

If you would like to join us for this event on March 26th, you can simply click on the logo on the left sidebar. It is only $15 for the 5K run, and $12 for the walk. I have chatted with the race director, and there is going to be a ton of drawings and maybe live music! Seriously, this was a FUN event last year, and they are making it even bigger and better this year. I hope to see you there!


Michelle and Sean said...

Thank you for leaving comments on my blog.

I've been following your blog for some time now probably over a year now. I appreciate how you are able to write about the feelings you are having about losing and missing your son. I've been struggling and don't even know what to say or feel. Its so hard to think about not having her here anymore so I just try not to think about anything but then I think that makes things worse when I do see a picture of her or run into something that reminds me of her. I don't know what to do. But I do appreciate being able to read about your journey and a few others. So Thank you for that.

Sherry C said...

I'm so glad to hear your slowing feeling better and looking forward to the walk to recognize Carter 2nd birthday what fabulous timing. I have a friend and neighbour struggling with the loss of her special boy right now. I wish there was something I could do to help. Do you mind if I pass on your blog address to her your writings may bring her some comfort in time.