March 24, 2011

Not Fair

Dear Carter,

I woke up today with that "not fair" cloud hanging over my head. I knew that this would be coming with your birthday so soon, so I was prepared for it. It doesn't make it any easier. Maybe it's because I decorated your grave for your 2nd birthday instead of decorating the house for your party. It just makes me feel like this really isn't fair.

I just don't understand why you had to go so soon. And I know that I will never understand. It's hard to accept both of these things, but that's just the way it is. Obviously God had a plan, and maybe one day it will be revealed to me. Until then, I'm going to have plenty of these "not fair" days to ponder the questions that burn in my heart.

It's on these days that I remember something that my very dear friend had said to me once. I met her quite a few years ago, and she had lost her husband at a young age. She had two young kids at home, and she was now a single parent to them. I met her about a month after her life had made this drastic change, and I was always amazed at how well she handled the situation. She always did her best to put a positive spin on things, and to continue on with a happy life despite grieving the loss of her husband. Of course she had her bad days too, but I remember her once saying that she felt like she had a choice in this situation...she could either let the grief completely overwhelm her, OR she could do her best to continue to live a happy life. I've always carried that conversation with me, and never knew how much I would need those words until after we lost Carter. I believe she was a person who God put into my life just to carry this message to me, and I am incredibly thankful for these little miracles.

When it became evident that you would be leaving us soon, I was at a crossroads with my faith. Either I could choose to let the grief overwhelm me and fill my heart with anger, or I could trust that He is in fact bigger than all of this and believe that there is a reason behind it. That we have to endure this life of missing you for a reason.

I choose to praise God even on these days when I feel like it's not fair.

It find it only ironic that today it is pouring rain outside because it goes right along with a song that has become my mantra over the last few months. I'm not lying when I say I listen to this at LEAST 2-3 times a day, and I can feel every single word of it. Today while we were listening to it, Jovie said to me that she loves God. I asked her why, and she said "because he took Carter to Heaven to be with Him".

Amazing that something so profound can come from the mouth of a five year old.

I need to be more like her.


Michelle said...


Sherry C said...

((((hugs)))))) sending them your way. We all miss your little guy he was the cutest baby ever. Totally not fair

Lacey said...

I totally agree that children are totally honest, and what they say is so true!
I only hope I can keep that motto when the time comes, because i'm sure there are days where anger just takes over!
I need a mom dinner with Michelle and a few others if your up for it.

Colleen said...

Such a sweet comment from Jovie...tears. I love this song and I'm so glad it helps you get through those dark days. (((Hugs)))