What I Miss

Dear Carter,

Your poor big sister got some kind of bug, and has the sore throat/fever/cough thing going on all night. She doesn't seem that much better this morning, so a trip to the doctor might be in order.

Last night, I had to wake her up in the middle of the night to give her some medicine, and I thought to myself... "I really REALLY miss this". Now, please don't misunderstand, I want your sister to feel better as quickly as possible...but I really REALLY miss having to get up in the middle of the night to give you your medicines, or start your feeds, or change your diaper.

I miss the way you would do your little boogie woogie dance and roll back and forth while making sounds with your little "singing" voice....and how that would cause your monitor to beep relentlessly (I have video of this to share soon!).

I miss the calendar that hung on our cabinet that was full every single month with doctor's appointments and therapies.

I miss the way you would laugh at your Daddy....only he could get you to do it!

I miss the way that you would play with your bead bar, and the noise of your hand rubbing back and forth along the beads.

I miss how when I would bring you into bed with me in the middle of the night, you thought it was hilarious to continually hit me in the face and grab my hair and ear. Good thing you were adorable, or I might have found this annoying!

Oh, there are so many things that I could just go on and on and on.

I miss your therapists, and the friendships we made.

I ran into your Occupational Therapist the other day which has happened several times since you went to Heaven because he also works at your brother and sister's school. It was nice to talk to him and catch up, but it was so different this time.

In the past, I have had a hard time talking with him because it would leave me a blubbering mess. This time, I didn't even shed one tear. I just enjoyed the conversation, and went on with my day (a little sadder, but not completely falling apart). I keep thinking about it, and on one hand I'm a bit proud of myself....on the other it makes me feel absolutely terrible that I have developed that "scar" of sorts over my emotions that relate to you and him.

I guess one of my major fears is that I might develop that "scar" over other things that spark emotion about you. I don't want to become numb to the missing you because in some weird way, that is what keeps me close to you. I don't want to have no emotion over seeing things that remind me of you because those things remind me of you. It's a delicate balance that I'm trying to find. One that will probably be never-ending.