November 13, 2011

Thankful For Tough Days

Dear Carter,

Today has been one of those tough days for your Daddy and me. Your Daddy watched an inspiring video about a boy with Cerebral Palsy, and there were a lot of similarities between you and him so that triggered some emotions. I took your brother to church today, and while I was there I felt like I was in one of those movies where the lead character keeps on getting flashbacks of some terrible tragedy that happened in their life. My mind kept on flashing on different parts....your funeral, the times when I had to give you CPR, the time when the doctor told us there was nothing more he could do, the times when you were so sick and you struggled to take a single breath. All of these things kept on replaying in my mind, and I kept thinking to myself, "why, WHY do I do this...why can't I just remember the good stuff?". As the mass continued, the message was to not waste your gifts or talents that God gives you. I feel like you were certainly a gift that was given to me, and I often wonder if I am using my talents to continue your work in the ways that I should. All I can say is that I'm going to try harder. I feel guilty that I haven't gotten your Carter's Hope site up and running yet, and I need to get moving on it. It just seems like I have been busy with everything stuff...important stuff...but still just other stuff.

When I got home, I was looking through some files on my computer. My other laptop died, so I've been using my older one which is the one I had when you were here. I came across some more videos of you that I had forgotten about. Here is one of my favorites.

I just love how your pants are huge, and you're having so much fun. I am thankful to have found these, and wonder if I wouldn't have had a tough morning, how long would they have been missing? By watching the videos, I was also reminded of how hard it was for you here on Earth. I see you struggling to breathe, and it comforts me to know that you no longer have to work so hard. I just love you baby boy, and as much as I hate these tough days, I know that there will be some good days to follow.


Our Family said...

wish i could have met him!

Elisabeth Hirsch said...

He sounds amazing. I hope you're having a better day.

I found your blog through faces of loss.
On 11/18 my little one would have been nine. As a tribute to him and other babies who have passed away, I'm hosting a blogfest for mothers who have lost infants or children. I would love it if you could join us and share your story.

Here's that link if you're interested: