End Up Here?

Dear Carter,

When I was a kid, I used to play in this Watermelon field that was right down the street from my house.  We used to have all kinds of fun in that field. We would pretend that we were on a Safari in the jungle, or hunting wild animals (snipe hunt anyone?). That field was the home of many adventures, and oddly enough, that field is where I am sitting right now.  In your room.

Who knew that I would end up here?  Wouldn't it be interesting to go back in time and tell myself, "hey, your house is going to be right there when you grow up".  It kind of already baffles my mind, and I'm the one who has followed the steps to get here.  There are so many other instances in my life when I have these kinds of thoughts.

Your brother and sister's school?  Well, that is actually where I went to school.  Right now I teach technology there with a couple of people who worked at that school when I was a student.  What do you think it would be like if I could go back in time and tell myself, "those people right over there will be your co-workers someday".  It's kind of a crazy idea to think about isn't it?

What about a couple of years before your Daddy and I started dating.  We both worked at McDonald's together, and were at complete opposite ends of the social spectrum.  Your Daddy was more of the "Prep", and I was more of the "Bad Girl Rocker Chick".  If you would have told me that I was going to one day marry Mike, I would have told you that you were crazy (and I'm sure he probably would have thought the same thing).

Now, if you would have told me five years ago that I was going to be given the hardest job in the entire world, I would have wondered what you are talking about.  Yet, here I am being the parent to a child in Heaven. Truth is, it definitely is the hardest job in the world, but I wouldn't change anything because in order to have this job, I had to be your Mommy.  Now that's something to be proud of.

I wonder what I'll want to tell myself five years from now.

Let It Snow

Dear Carter,

It snowed here like crazy last week. So much so that school got cancelled. I must admit that I was secretly crossing my fingers and hoping they would cancel school because there is not much that I like more than hanging out with our family in a warm house especially when we have no where to go. It was a nice change of pace, although it has been exceptionally cold and I am starting to crave that spring like weather.

Not much else is happening here. Just trying to stay warm and getting ready to gear up for your Operation Smile 5k this Summer.

The Little Things

Sometimes it's the little things that can just tear my heart out.

Jovie brought home a paper from school today that asked if there were any siblings who needed to sign up for Kindergarten. The school sends it out every year as a way to round them up. I have to admit that although you wouldn't have been in Kindergarten, it stung to see that. I will never be able to fill out that paper with your name and something as simple as that just breaks my heart.

On the other hand, sometimes it's the little things that can just make my day. Like, when someone mentions you, or someone asks a question about you.

Who knew that little things would seem so big.

Hard Goodbyes

Dear Carter,

Today brought one of those tough goodbyes that we knew would be coming... I just didn't think it would be today.

We said goodbye to our sweet little Dachsund, Bud, today. He really was a good boy, and has been with your Daddy and I since we started dating. It's weird to think that he's not here anymore. Jovie is the one who is taking it the hardest by far, but I think that she will be ok. She always considered that little dog as hers. I don't think that she will be without a puppy for long.

So, I believe that all dogs go to Heaven too which makes me think that you are playing with a new puppy tonight. Give him a kiss from all of us.

We love you both.

Seven, really??

Dear Carter,

I can't believe we are a week into January already. I've been keeping with all of my little projects, and it's been good for me. I really feel like I am on top of things for the time being..... Now let's see if I can keep it up.

Today, I worked on planning Jovie's birthday party. I simply can NOT believe that she is almost seven. Her birthday isn't until the middle of February, but we are going to be very busy for those first few weeks, so I thought I'd better get a jump on it now.

She's so dang cute, and was all about making lists of the guests she would like to have, the food, the activities.... Maybe I just need to put her in charge of Mikey's party this year! This is her first "friend" party, so I think she's a bit extra excited.

If only she knew what we have planned for her the week before (I can't wait to spill the beans!!)

I love you my sweetheart. My next project is something very cool for your birthday.

A World Of Barbie

Dear Carter,

Today was another freezing cold day which made it the perfect opportunity to snuggle up with your big sis and watch a Barbie movie.

The thing about Barbie movies is that they are soooooo magical. Usually the lead character (who isn't usually named Barbie) has some sort of magical power. In this particular movie, she had a hairbrush that could change her entire hairstyle with a swipe over her head. This is the kind of world that Jovie lives in. Where movies like this could really "maybe" happen in real life. Although lately I've noticed that she's trying hard to decipher what is real or fake.

As cheesy as it sounds, it's kind of nice to cuddle up to her and live in her world for a little while. I loathe the day when she grows too old for these types of movies. Why does she have to grow up so fast? I really need to be BETTER at slowing down with her and seeing the world through her eyes because it won't be long before her world won't be so innocent anymore.

I knew that there would come a day when I would lose you.... I just thought that I had more time. Don't we always?? I remember rocking you and smelling you and listening to you and kissing on you and cuddling with you and thinking to myself that I needed to imprint every single second with you in my mind. And you know what?? I kind of did although there are certain things that seem a little fuzzy now. It only takes a small trigger to bring it all back to life. I feel like from now on I need to do the same with Daddy, Mikey, Jovie, and all of my family and friends. I need to make every single second count because life flies by so dang fast. Of course this is easy to say., and a little harder to do because sometimes day to day life gets in the way, but I am telling you that I am going to try.

I'm going to keep trying to be better.

Techno Freaks!

Dear Carter Jay,

I'm cracking up over this picture I took at dinner time today.  Do you think our family likes technology a bit much??  Trust me when I say that this is not allowed at every dinner, but sometimes we all just need a break from each other so we can eat in peace.  Could those two be any more alike?!

I often wonder what kind of milestones you would have reached if you were still here with us.  Would you benefit from the use of an iPad?  While you were here, they were just barely becoming accessible and now it seems that most everyone has one.  What about later in life?  Will they develop a new way to fix a damaged trachea?  What kind of life would you have lived had you been born in a different time?  You certainly wouldn't have been with us as long as you were if you were born a century ago.

These are the kinds of questions that go through a grieving mommy's brain.  All of the "what ifs" and "how comes". I let myself go there sometimes because it gives me the opportunity to make up a better outcome for you (not better for you because I know that you are completely healed now, but maybe a better outcome for us?).  Sometimes it hurts a little too much to think of all of the "what ifs" and I have to distract myself with something else, but they are always ALWAYS there. If even just a whisper.

My Orchid

Dear Carter,

I have this thing where I really like to buy plants at the end of the season when they are 80% off, and they look so sickly that you just aren't sure if they are going to make it. Some of them do, and some of them don't, but there is something in the thrill of the chance. Can I really bring a plant back to health? Back to the way it was before??

I bought this orchid at the end of the season last year, and it's doing well. I'm anxious to see if it will bloom. I give it all of the proper attention, and will continue to, but sometimes it's just up to the plant if its going to bloom or not. There's nothing more I can do.

Today while looking at my beautiful Orchid, I started to wonder if this is how God thinks of me. I think that he surely gives me all of the proper attention, but now it's just up to me to bloom. He knows that there have been several points in my life when I have been on the 80% off rack just hoping that He would take a chance on me.

And I have no doubts that He always does.

And He has a way of making me whole again. I just have to put forth the effort to hold up my end of the deal and bloom.

I'm working on it.

And I hope the little Orchid is too.

My Fortune

Dear Carter,

The new year is under way now, and I can't help but think that the fortune I got in my cookie yesterday was no accident.

It's true that life has a lot of fine things that I used to overlook, and of course maybe there have been times when I have taken my friends for granted. I'd like to think that you changed that for me though.

Through your life, and especially through your death, I have really learned to appreciate the small gifts that God has blessed me with. I have also learned who my true friends are, and it's sad to me that it took losing you to really learn those lessons. Almost everything I do any more is about "making memories". After all, when this is all over, that's all I will have left. Of course I still get tied up in the trivial things, but I am certainly trying to do better with always concentrating on what's really important.

Like I said before, it's all about being better.

Goodbye 2012

Dear Carter Jay,

This year treated our family pretty good.  The only thing that would have made it better is if you could have been here with us, but since that can't happen....it was as close to great as we can get. As the year comes to a close, I wanted to share a few of my favorite highlights. we have so much to be thankful for.

There were a lot of exciting changes. A lot of exciting accomplishments that your brother and sister made. Your Daddy continued to find his footing in his management job too, and even won an award for "Most Improved Territory".  He's very humble, and won't take credit for the award, but we know better.  He totally deserves it!

I started out the year working at your brother and sister's school as a tutor.  Unfortunately my funding got cut this fall, and I went back to being a stay at home mom for a little while.  I'm excited to say that I'm working at the school again as a Computer Lab Manager.  While I still miss my old job, this one is pretty dang good too, and the best part is that I get to be near your brother and sister all day long.

At the beginning of the year, we took a family trip to San Diego. I LOVE going to the beach because I always picture you up in Heaven as my little surfer boy.  This trip brought some much needed relaxation, and their were several moments where we felt closer to you. There were so many memories that will always be held close to our hearts.

On your birthday, we sent you several balloons with little messages on them for you.  I hope that you liked them. 

Not too long after that we entered into the world of camping. We spent several weekends over the summer in our little tent trailer. It was so much fun!

Jovie joined a competition dance team, and although she hasn't competed yet, she loves it!

Your Grandpa retired, and we threw him a party.  Way to go Grandpa!!

Mikey finally found his niche and joined a swim team.  We are so excited to see where this path will lead him.

I had the opportunity to visit my Grandparents, Aunt, Uncles, and Cousin back in Michigan. I hadn't been back there in over ten years.  It was a huge blessing to reconnect with family, and I hope I can do it again soon.

I left Michigan to meet Daddy in Chicago.  He was there for a work convention, but we still had a little bit of time to play. I LOVED Chicago, and would go back any time!

We all packed up and took a trip to Montana to see Grandma Mary. It was a quick and relaxing trip.

Then of course we ran in the Operation Smile 5k in memory of you. The most exciting part is that in 2013 we will be taking over the race.  I hope we can continue to make you proud baby boy!

 

Finally, we had seven items donated to the Festival Of Trees in your memory, and they raised over $5000.  It was our biggest donation yet!

Most of all, we missed you like crazy.  You can see it in your brother and sister's faces when they got their first "Carter" sweatshirts.  We pray that next year will be another good one for our family, and we will continue to find ways to include you in everything we do.  We love you.