The First Day

Dear Carter,

Last Monday was Mikey's first day of school. It went well, and I didn't even get sad. In fact, I might have found myself smiling a little at my friends who were tearing up over seeing their first graders off to school. I remember last year, and how hard it was to see Mikey go for an entire day. This year was so much different. I still had my little Jovie with me, and was used to Mikey being gone all day.

Today was Jovie's first day, and the feelings couldn't have been more different.
It was hard.

I got her up, got her ready (and she looked absolutely beautiful, right?!), and was feeling alright about everything. In fact, I was looking forward to a little bit of alone time. Maybe I'll get a lot more done on all of the projects I have going on right now. I took a deep breath, and stepped out the door.

Still doing OK.

I drove them to school, and walked her to the line where she waits for her teacher.
Still doing OK.

Then I watch her walk into that huge building, and as I look around at all of the parents surrounding me who have their babies in strollers it hits me.

I am completely alone.

I am the only one who is not taking care of a little one.
The only one not pushing a stroller.
The only one with empty arms.

This is NOT how it's supposed to be. I'm supposed to be pushing you in a stroller back to the car. I'm supposed to take care of you, and although I know that this is not how it was meant to be, I still feel like it was a kick in the gut again.

I took that long walk back to the car, and tried to keep busy until it was time to pick your sister up...and the time really did go by quickly. She had a wonderful day. It was everything she could have hoped for. The highlight was when she got to play with Mikey on the playground, and he loved that part too.

Tomorrow will be a better day, and I WILL get used to this part.
I love you.