August 4, 2011

Monitors

Dear Carter,

I have been working hard on your new project, and it's coming together nicely. I think that just about the time I get this one going...it will be about time to start on your tree for the Festival Of Trees. It seems like time is moving so fast these days. I don't know if that is good or bad.

As I was reading about some of your medically fragile friends today, I realized something that I haven't thought about in awhile.

There are so SO many things that I would constantly think that I would be glad to be rid of when you were here. I couldn't wait for you to be done with the oxygen....be done with the G tube...be done with the monitors. Now that you are done with those things, but not in the way that I had hoped, I find that I really miss all of your little accessories.

I miss having to wake up several times throughout the night to the beeping of your Oximeter. Usually just because you were wide awake and you were swinging your foot from side to side. I think that you thought that game was funny. The crazy thing is that even after all of this time, I still follow that same sleep schedule. I can't fall asleep until after your night feeding would have been done, and I still wake up at your medication times. I guess my body still feels the need to take care of you.

I miss having to make the weekly phone call to get new Oxygen tanks delivered to our house. I would always feel nervous that there would be some sort of huge disaster and we wouldn't be able to get you the Oxygen you needed...having full tanks made me feel a lot more comfortable.

I miss having to check your crazy calendar before I could plan anything because you had so many doctors appointments and therapies scheduled.

I miss prepping your formula and hooking up your G Tube. Even when it would beep for absolutely no reason.

I miss mixing all of your medications.

I miss checking your hearing aid battery.

I miss practicing your sitting and rolling and eye tracking and head control and weight bearing. I miss your therapists.

I miss spending time with you at the hospital. Even though it was a terrible place to be, I miss rocking you in their rocking chairs.


As I was giving Jovie her goodnight kiss tonight she said "Carter had to have eyedrops before he went to sleep...huh?". It made me happy that she remembered that simple thing, but sad that I don't get to give you eye drops anymore. I miss that.


I guess what I'm saying is, I miss every little thing about you. I miss what it meant to be your mommy while you were here even though it was hard sometimes.


No matter how much I miss those things, I feel an intense relief in knowing that you don't need any of them anymore. I am calmed in knowing that you can move around and play free from the wires and tubes and medicines.


How amazing that must feel to you. Play free baby boy!

4 comments:

Michelle and Sean said...

Heather, I feel the same way. I miss all of those things too. But am also so torn because I know she isn't suffering anymore.

I have been struggling a lot lately. I can't imagine going on without her. I feel like its huge that I have gone 5 months without her already and I just don't see how I am going to be able to go on like this much longer.

It sucks that are kiddos can't be here with us.

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful humbling pst, it made me cry.

Kristin said...

Sniff.

Rebekah said...

Thanks for reminding me that it's a GOOD thing to have all this stuff to haul around. I am grateful for all Aaron's equipment. Praying for you.