January 26, 2012

Here It Comes

Dear Carter,

The last two days have been terrible for me.  Just simply terrible.

There have been a few specific things that have certainly helped to make my days more terrible, but nothing that would normally push me down this far. 

I've been wondering what exactly is my problem??  Sure, I haven't slept that much.  Sure, it's been pretty busy at work with this testing I've had to administer.  There's been a few other things happen, but really.....what is it??

So I did a bunch of thinking, and soul searching, and I think I figured it out.

That day is coming.

Sure it's only two months away, but it's coming.

Your third birthday is coming. 

I've come to realize that without even thinking about it....it's like my body knows that the first of the year is "YOUR" time of year. This is the time of year when you were born, and not too long after that is when you left us.  This was the hardest time of the year for me last year, and it appears that it's the same again this year. 

I just miss.you.so.much.

I miss your little laugh.
I miss the way you would swing your leg and hip back and forth to roll yourself over.
I miss the way you'd make all kinds of racket with your bead bar.
I miss the way you would look at me like "I'm doing it momma!" when you would drink your bottle.
I miss the way you would give that special smile to your Daddy, and nobody else.
I miss giving you baths, and changing your clothes, and changing your diapers, and hooking up your G-Tube, and changing your tender grips, and suctioning your nose and mouth, and the huge delicate dance all of those things took.

I miss all of it.  All of the scheduling of appointments, and welcoming the therapists into our home, and learning all of the different ways to help you learn new skills.  I loved living in the world where you were, and now I still love this world, but it isn't the same.  It never will be.

And that's OK.

It really is OK because I KNOW that you are someplace where you can run and play without the wires and the tubes.

It just seems a little less OK during this time of year.
But I know that the days of feeling more OK are just around the corner (so no panicked calls from my friends, ok?).

Love you Little Guy!


April said...

Oh my heart aches for you... I know that you have peace in your heart about where he is- but that doesn't change the fact that you ache for your sweet boy every day. Sending all my love on the joyful days and the tender ones too...

Holly said...

It'll be 3 yrs for us in March. I know there's going to be hard moments as it approaches. XO

Michelle and Sean said...

Im so sorry Heather! I hate this so much! I have been really struggling a lot lately too. I usually have all these flashbacks to the day she died so people keep telling me to focus on the happy times but that doesn't seem to be any better. In a way it is harder for me to think of the happy times because I just miss her so much!! And I miss all of those times and things she did. Anyway this just stinks that we have to go through this. I am keeping you in my prayers and I think of you often. Also I am in a group on FB called mums of angels. I can add you if you like. It is for any mom that has lost a child not matter how they lost them. A lot of the moms lost a child to mito but its a group for everyone. I don't like to just add people without asking so FB and let me know and I can add you. It helps me a lot to be able to talk about anything without feeling judged and to not feel so alone.

Erin said...

I hear you, every time I do a "down" post I get a bunch of overly concerned calls and texts. Funny thing is just writing the post makes me feel so much better. Not great, but better. :)