April 22, 2011

Mother Mary

Dear Carter,

Today is Good Friday, and there is something that has been heavy on my heart all day.

As much as this day is so obviously completely about Jesus and how this was the beginning of our salvation, I can't help but imagine what things must have been like for Mary as she watched her son suffer.

It sucks to say that I can relate. I hate that I can relate, but I think that in a small way I can.

I can't help but question what must have been going through her mind...

Did she know even at the moment of his birth that this day would be coming?

In the beginning of His Passion, did she pray to God that he would just take Jesus right off of that cross and let him live...that she might hug him one more time?

But as time went on, and he cried out in pain, did she pray...and beg...and plead for God to take her son just to end his suffering?

And as he took his last breath, did she praise God?

Obviously I don't know what went through her mind on the day of Jesus' death, but I know that as a mother who has lost a son...I went through all of these emotions.

I knew that I would most likely have to face the day when I would bury you. I pleaded with God to let you live so I could spend more time with you. But then as I watched you struggle to breathe, I begged God to take you to end your suffering. And as you took your last breath, I praised God and thanked Him for healing my baby.

So, these are the types of things that have been on my mind today...because...well, that's just the way that my crazy mind works. This has been the kind of day when it feels good to just sit and contemplate these things. To be thankful to God for a day like Good Friday, and to anticipate the resurrection of Jesus.


Jenn said...

I hate that you have to know any of that pain...but love you!

Lacey said...

Thats a great comparison, and so true. This is going to sound weird, although I bet you've been there to. I sometimes think about what it would be like to have to let Jax go. I've thought that I didnt want it at home, I think that would be too hard. To me a hospital is more appropriate.
I hate that you had to make that decision, you have lived me worst nightmare. And i know you would agree about the nightmare part : )

Heather said...

What a beautifully written post. I'm so sorry that you've had to experience the pain of losing Carter and continuing to have that pain. Lots of love to you all.

my life: said...

So...I read EVERY post.
EVERY one.
I RARELY comment.
Mostly because...I'm in tears, at a loss, and feel like there is nothing appropriate to say.
So many things strike me...today is one of them, many of us try to imagine...but you have the "gift" of knowing.
The post's that include dreaming of your babe...rip me apart. I imagine I would be the same way, and I would desire it SO much...I fear I would never leave my bed.
You are amazing...getting up every morning wins you that title...but to love, serve, feel, and appreciate...takes you to a whole different level.
Thank you

Ms. Theresa said...

I'm so sorry that you and your family have to know the experience of this. It's every parents worst nightmare. God Bless.