How Far We've Come

Dear Carter,

Today has been a rough one, but not as rough as it has been for a lot of other parents out there.  It seems as though lately there have been a lot of our special little friends who are very, VERY sick, and one of them has gone to be with you in Heaven.

I found out earlier today that sweet little Caleb, who you can read about here: A Wink From Heaven , has gone to be with you.  I have followed his story for a long long time, so my heart is broken for his family.  I feel terrible that they have to walk on this journey now too.  I'm definitely lifting them up in prayer.

When I think back to the very begininning of learning to live life without you, it forces me to see how far we've come. I think that for the first couple of weeks we were in complete and utter shock.  I had zero...and I mean NOT ONE inclination that you wouldn't be coming home with us after that surgery.  I always thought that I'd somehow see something like that coming, but God caught me off guard with that one.

At first, I was just kind of numb.  After all, I was used to you having to spend time away from home while you were up at PCMC, but once the realization hit that you weren't coming home this time....it seemed as though it was more than I can handle. 

I remember that at times when the pain would dull, I would suddenly feel my internal clock go off to remind me to start one of your feedings, or to change your diaper, or to give you a medication.  I would wake up every hour like I did while you were here to check your Oximeter....and sometimes I would even think that I could hear it beep, only to see that it was no longer there.  Suddenly it felt as though the wound had been ripped wide open again.  I've moved through that, and now I only feel that way with certain triggers.  And as a side note, as I write this, I actually can hear the Oximeter beep in my head.  And I just imagined myself going through the motions of your feeding routine. Gosh, I miss that.

Now, I feel as though we have finally found our new normal.  It took time to feel comfortable in my own skin.  The only problem is that it's not the normal that I wish I could have....the one where you are here with me. 

It's a good thing that I have faith that we will be together again, otherwise this new normal would be so much harder to accept, and I pray that Caleb's family is blessed with the same faith. So many prayers being sent their way.