February 26, 2012

The Second Little Thing...That Isn't So Little

Dear Carter,

So, I totally failed on keeping up on this. Your daddy and I decided to take a last minute trip out of town for the weekend, and when I say last minute...I mean that we woke up on Friday morning and decided to go, two hours later we were on the road! It was a much needed break, and we are ever thankful to your grandparents for always being excited to spend some time with their grandkids.

We are certainly blessed.

I have been trying to be mindful of all of the little things that I am thankful for, and today as I was washing the dishes, I took a look at my Peace Lily as I frequently do.

I think that I may have written about this before, but this plant was given to me by a group of friends who I hold very dear to my heart.  A couple of months after the plant was given to me, it lost all of it's blooms.  I've tried everything to get this thing to bloom again, and had all but given up when after eighteen months, I finally noticed one starting.

Now that it's here, I feel as though it has helped to restore some hope in me.

The thing is Carter, lately I've had a lot of "What If?" questions in my mind.  I find myself wondering if we really made the right decision....if we did what was right for YOU.  I know that we did not do the right thing for US because we would have left you laying in the hospital bed and on a ventilator FOREVER if we wanted what was right for us which is why I'm glad that He blessed us with the courage to let you go. 

But, did we give you every chance to live here on Earth before decided to turn you over to our Father?

And most of the time I know....I KNOW that we absolutely did the right thing.  I know that you would not have wanted a life like that because you were already frustrated by your limitations.

But in the mornings when I'm showering, or driving the kids to school, I feel this little doubt trickle into my mind.  The times when the questions come, are the times when the Devil is using his tricks to discourage me.

It seems that just when I am about to succumb to those thoughts of anger or remorse, I feel as though the veil lifts enough for me to see what I really should....that we DID make the right decision, and that you are truly happy that we let you go.

And it reminds me of the plant.  Just when I had given up hope on it, it started to bloom.

Hopefully, it won't lose it's blooms again for a very long time.

No comments: