September 27, 2011

Hope Again

Dear Carter,
Lately I have had quite a hard time with missing you. Even though I know...I KNOW that we did the absolute right thing in letting you go to Heaven, it's still hard to not feel that it would be so much better for us if you were here with us right now. You going to Heaven was the absolute best thing for you, but it has to be the absolute worst thing here. I praise God for giving us the strength to make that decision, and now I am praying to him to make me feel the peace with it again. I was there before, and I know it will come again...I just have to be patient.

We have several plants from your funeral, and I'll be the first to admit that I'm not very good with houseplants. Several of the plants haven't quite made it over the last 17 months (really, is that how long it's been since I held you last?!), but there are still five or six that are doing well. I was sad that none of my Peace Lillies had bloomed since the original blooms had died. I have been trying my hardest to nurture these babies because I really REALLY just wanted to see them bloom again. I've done research....moved them to different parts of the house...done growth dances (ok, maybe not that part), but I feel like I've done everything I can to get these plants to bloom with no avail.

I was absolutely thrilled (and I mean it!!) when I noticed this on one of your plants yesterday. I swear it seems like it came out of no where! I didn't even see it coming! It just put everything into perspective for me again. When we started out this journey of losing you, I really did have a lot of hope and peace which could easily be symbolized by the bloom, but over time those started to die away flower by flower. Maybe God and I are working hard to try to nurture my peace back to health. Maybe we are trying to look at things from different angles and doing growth dances (ha ha, yeah I really put that in there again), and just hoping for some spark to appear again. Maybe in time it will, and maybe it already has...I just haven't quite noticed it yet.

This was something that I really needed...a gentle reminder that I really can have hope and peace again.

1 comment:

Michelle said...

Praying you continue to find signs of His love, comfort, and peace. I can't even imagine how hard this is.