September 11, 2011

What Is Wrong With ME?

Dear Carter,

While we were at the car wash, it somehow became my job to entertain the people while they were getting their cars washed. It's not like I whipped out my juggling act or something, but I just made conversation. Trust me when I say that me juggling would probably be quite entertaining, but it wouldn't be because I was good at it!

A lot of the people who came to the car wash were friends of ours, but there were certainly quite a few people who stopped by due to the awesome job by our advertising crew! There was one family who had their car washed because they saw the words "chromosomal disorder" on our shirts. They had a little boy (who was simply adorable!) with Down syndrome. As I was chatting with the mom, she asked me what your diagnosis was.

I was absolutely stunned when for a few moments, I honestly could.not.remember.

I searched my brain for the correct numbers from the chromosomes that were a little different, but they didn't come to me. In fact, as I was stumbling over my words...I even threw out the number 13 before it hit me that it was your numbers 10 and 2 that made you so special.

All night long I felt absolutely horrible about it. I mean, how in the world could I forget something so SO important?? How could I not spout off that information like I used to?? Not only did it make me feel horrible, but it panicked me. If I can't remember something as important as that, then what else am I forgetting?! I hope and pray that there isn't something else.

After thinking about this for a few more days, I am feeling a bit better about it. I mean, does it really matter what your diagnosis was? What should matter is that you were loved so very much by your family...that you continue to change the world...that YOU won't be forgotten even if the smaller details are.

I don't want to forget the smaller details, and trust me when I say that I'll be reading through the blog and doing my best to remember everything that I can about you. I don't want to feel that panicky feeling again.

I love you so much my sweet baby boy, and I'm proud to say that you are my son.


Our Family said...

my girl is alive and i forget things about her all the time, things that i never thought i would forget. don't be hard on yourself, your son is still in your heart and time can't erase that.

Colleen said...

Don't feel bad...he was so much more than his chromosome disorder anyway. As long as you remember his sweet smile and how much you love him, that's all that matters!

Michelle said...

What can I say? Nothing, I'm sure. I can only imagine. Lord God, place your comfort around this fellow Mother. You know her heart and her ache. In Your Love, Amen.

Kat Kat said...

Having read several memorials from 9/11, one struck out to me spoken by a mother who lost her son that day: "At best, you tuck things away in a safe place and learn to live your life." This, my friend, is all you are doing. You've tucked "details" away in a safe place and you are just learning to live your life without your sweet Carter.