May 14, 2011

A Test....Really?

Dear Carter,
Today was a tough day for me. It didn't start out that way, but sometimes that's just how it starts out all nice and pleasant and then I feel like I've been kicked in the gut with the missing you. It will always be like this, but it's just part of me now. I've accepted it which makes it a lot easier. At least most of the time.

I've always had the hardest times around special needs kids, and today was the day that God chose to test me on this.

While we were at the park for Mikey and Jovie's soccer games, I spotted a special needs boy who was probably in his teens sitting on the grass. Of course I immediately thought of you, and how that could have been you one day. Instead of letting myself get sad over missing you, I decided to immediately shift my focus to being thankful for the time we did have together. It worked...I said a little prayer for the boy, and went on with my day.

Then as I was walking Jovie to the restroom, I came across a little girl with Cerebral Palsy who was also playing on the grass right beside her wheelchair. Her mommy was loving and cuddling with her, and I felt myself get the little feeling of jealousy. I shifted my focus to thankfulness again, said a little prayer for the girl, and went on with my day.

After Mikey's soccer game we went to grab some lunch. While we were waiting in line, I noticed a girl in front of us with Down syndrome. She was a sweet thing and made me smile. I didn't feel any jealousy or sadness, so I was quite proud of myself. I just enjoyed being around her for our short period of time, and then went on with my day. It was at this point when I decided that God was putting me to the test today for some reason, but I had no idea that he still had more in store for me.

Later tonight, we went to church. It was a church that we attend sometimes, but we don't go there too often. As we sat down in the pew, I spotted a little boy with Down syndrome about five rows in front of us. When he turned to look in our direction, I felt the lump form in my throat.

Why? Why was God testing me like this today? Why?

He was the cutest little thing. He was about three years old. He was playing with his mommy, but that wasn't the hard part for me.

He had a trach.

Really God, Really?

That was it for me. I couldn't hold back the emotion anymore, and I spilled a lot of tears right there in the church. There was the trach staring back at me from five rows ahead. I didn't hear a word of the mass because I couldn't stop thinking about the trach. This little boy's situation was completely different from yours...he was even on room air, and except for his mommy having to suction him several times, it didn't slow him down one bit. Now I KNOW...I KNOW that a trach was NOT the right thing for you, but it's so SO hard when there is a smiling happy child staring right back at you with the trach. I had a little conversation with God, and I knew that I was supposed to be thankful, say a prayer, and go on with my day.

I tried, but it just wouldn't come. Instead I was full of anger, jealousy, and sadness, but as I sit here tonight and type this those feelings are starting to fade. Maybe by morning I'll be ready to be thankful again, but for tonight I'm going to be wondering why I was put to the test today. I love you so much baby boy. I am missing you a lot today, and I hope you know it.


Phyllis said...

Thank you for sharing your heart. Very inspiring.

Colleen said...


Michelle and Sean said...

This all sounds very familiar to me. How some days they start out fine and then by the end of the day I am a mess. I can relate to that.

Also the being tested part. I feel like I am often being tested just how you were talking about. Its so hard and I am so sorry but it sounds like you were amazing.

I read your blog every time you post. I just seem to feel a lot like you do when you post. Thank you for sharing all of this.